Please be advised- this post is very long…
Frumster was the inventor of categorizing different frumkeit levels, they came up with the idea that every person within the frum community could categorize their hashkafos with a little drop down menu. Apparently telling someone that you are modern orthodox machmir or shomer mitzvos is not enough anymore. For marketing purposes I feel it important to sign up for every Jewish social networking site that comes along- there are many of them and besides Jewmango- they all pretty much suck. Jewish sites cannot compete with facebook- nough said.
So I found a site called Frum Here- which I signed up for. Besides for the fact that within my first hour of membership I received one of those messages from someone trying to sell me prepubescent Taiwanese boy pornography- I noticed that they have gone way beyond what Frumster has done- in terms of categorizing. Instead of just rounding your hashkafos to the nearest category, they have a drop down menu for all the different types of davening schedules, you can choose any level from daily with a minyan to once every yovel, it was funny, and quite alarming that instead of letting people fill out what hashfafa they fit, they have to have this drop down menu. Furthermore, it’s a freaking social networking site- its not a yenta shadchun from Brooklyn.
As of yet I have received friend requests and messages from people seeking to sell me pornographic services- so I cannot tell if the site is a joke, or is just a hack.
These different dropdown menus could be used in order to generalize Jews into different categories.
What is your davening schedule?
1) Three times daily with a minyan, during the z’man, with daf yomi
2) Three times daily with a minyan at the proper z’man
3) Three times daily with a minyan
4) Three times time with a minyan factory-for instance Viznitz in Monsey or Landuas in Brooklyn
5) Three times daily with sporadic minyan attendance
6) Three times daily with shabbos minyan attendance
7) Three times daily without a minyan
Three times daily but you miss mincha frequently
9) Only shachris with tefilin
10) I put on tefilin and say some stuff
11) If I wake up in time
12) It depends on my mood
13) It depends how hung over I am
14) Only Shabbos
15) I tell my father I put on tefilin that day
16) What the heck is davening?
If you answered yes to davening shachris- how much of it do you daven?
1) All of it, including the Wednesday yom, all that stuff between the brachos and boruch sheomar, uva letzyon, and all the lengthy inserts such as leduvid and burchi nafshi
2) Almost all of it but I skip the stuff between brachos and boruch sheomar
3) I say all the major stuff- but I skip tachnun on Monday and Thursday, uva letzyon, the Wednesday yom, uz yusheer, etc…
4) I say the important stuff- that most 8th graders are told to say, brachos, ashrei, yishtabach shema- shmona esray
5) I say brachos, shema and shmona esray
6) I say shema and shmona esray
7) I say shema or shmona esray
I put on my tefilin and say the first paragraph of shema
9) I have no idea how to daven
What is you Kasharus Level?
1) I keep 100% kosher, I am bodek (check for bugs- with a light box) my fruit and veggies, I check with the store manager when I am not sure, I always ask to see the kosher certificate, I keep glatt, chasidishe schita, yoshon, pas yisroel and cholov yisroel- I do not hold of the OU and other major modern orthodox kasharus organizations.
2) I keep the same as above but I will eat some OU products
3) I keep almost the same as #1 but I am lax on pas yisroel and yoshon and I eat OU
4) I keep almost the same as #1 but I am lax on cholov yisroel outside my house
5) I keep 100% kosher and am bodek my veggies without the use of a light box, I hold of the OU and do not keep cholov yisroel- I frequently argue with my yeshiva friends about this and am constantly quoting Rav Moshes tshuva- while they say Rav Dovid doesn’t hold of his father.
6) I keep 100% kosher- but when I am in places Starbucks I never ask if things are kosher, I just assume things regularly. I sometimes find myself eating in places just because I hold of the yarmulke effect (someone inside with a yarmulke guarantees its kosher)
7) I keep 100% kosher in the house, I do not check my veggies for bugs very thoroughly and I eat shady hechsherim like triangle-K, torchlight –K and Ko. I will eat in a vegan or vegetarian restaurant open on shabbos as long as I see yarmulkes going in and out.
I keep a 100% kosher home- but when I go on vacation and there is nothing to eat- I will have a salad or a tuna sandwich.
9) I keep kosher- but I think the industry is a racket and I do my own thing, vegan products without hechsherim, non-kosher wine- because who the heck is worshipping idols anyway? I will also eat friends houses if they use plastic and tell me that everything is kosher.
10) I keep a kosher home but eat milchigs out
11) I keep a semi kosher home- but some things lack a hechsher like lemonade and salsa, I eat milchigs, salads and sushi out.
12) I keep a kosher home- but am flexidox when it comes to eating out
13) I keep kosher conservative home- meaning you eat Hebrew national and tend to patronize those kosher style delis like Katz’s and second avenue.
What level of shabbos observance do you keep?
1) Not only do I keeo shabbos 100% I try and encourage others to keep shabbos by setting aside rocks to throw at their cars if they drive in my neighborhood- I find that this shows them the beauty of religion.
2) I keep shabbos 100% including all the obscure halachos that might be modern day inventions- such as cutting letters, and not playing ball, I don’t even walk on grass and am debating whether my family should stop using the toilet or not.
3) I keep shabbos 100% to the best of my abilities- but have you ever seen the size of the Ribiat 39 Melochos book- its enormous.
4) I keep shabbos- but I am likely to play ball and be a little lax in things like borer.
5) I keep shabbos- but like to take long walks out of the techum and enjoy a good game of shabbos afternoon basketball.
6) I tend to carry my keys and other essentials in a non-halachic way- so I am probably over the issur of carrying
7) I tend to come home after shkia from work on Friday- but I act as if I still have time to cook and shower.
If my alarm goes off on shabbos morning- I hit it off (with a shinuy of course)
9) I utilize shinuys for things like the air conditioner to make shabbos more enjoyable
10) I keep shabbos 100% but my roommates watch movies and I will join in
11) I am flexidox- so it depends what mood I’m in, sometimes I am 100% shomer shabbos and sometimes I will go see a movie- but I try to make a friend drive me
12) I keep shabbos, by not using electric, driving or buying things- everything else is fine
13) You drive to shul on shabbos- but in all other ways you are fine
14) What is shabbos?
How do you observe the laws of yichud and negia?
1) You observe the laws 100% and have lobbied for legislation to ban women from public areas so you should not come to sin. You also participate in bleaching women as well.
2) You observe the laws 100% without a question
3) You try and observe the laws 100% but if you wind up in an elevator with a women- you do not get out.
4) You keep the laws 100% but in certain yichud situations you are lax and you tend to brush up against women by accident while in very crowded places like subways (if your really frum you would take a car service)
5) You shake hands with women- but everything else is kosher.
6) You really don’t think most yichud situations are bad and you don’t jump away from women. You are also open minded to people who may not know the laws and are willing to shake hands or hug your in-laws for instance.
7) You are shomer- but you do not keep yichud
You are shomer until you get engaged
9) You are shomer until relationship
10) You are shomer n’fooling around- you will cuddle- but no kissing is involved
11) You are shomer by default- don’t want to be but you are
12) You keep fictional negia- everyone thinks you keep it
13) You keep semi-fictional negia- your parents and Rabbis think its kept but your friends know the truth
14) It is common knowledge that you do not keep negia or yichud laws.
15) You say that there is no such thing as shomer negia and it is a simply a made up term with no source
16) You have no idea what I am talking about
For men you cover your head with?
1) Streimel
2) Flat beaver hat
3) Full sized beaver hat
4) Bend down hat
5) I wear a hat on shabbos, dates and at simchas
6) I wear a 6 piece shiny black velvet yarmulke with a rim
7) I wear a 4 piece shiny black velvet with a rim
I wear a 6 piece regular velvet without a rim
9) I wear a 4 piece regular black velvet without a rim
10) On summer vacations I wear a baseball hat- but you can tell I am in kollel anyway
11) I wear a yarmulke made of black cloth
12) I wear a small black velvet yarmulke
13) I wear a small black velvet yarmulke with bobby pins
14) I wear a colored velvet yarmulke- Lubavitchers tend to do this (red, navy and brown)
15) I wear a black or blue suede yarmulke
16) I wear a different dark colored suede yarmulke
17) I wear a knit yarmulke
18) I wear a huge Israeli/Carlebachian style yarmulke
19) I got my yarmulke for free at the back of a shul and its so bright I use it while hunting
20) I wear a yarmulke when someone tells me to
21) The only time I ever wore one was at the Kotel
22) I refuse to wear one
23) What’s a yarmulke?
Ladies what sort of head covering do you use- or plan to use?
1) Shpitzle
2) Pill box
3) Plastic hair sheitle
4) Scarves
5) Human hair sheitle- but not so fancy- so it still looks like a dead animal
6) Human hair sheitle that makes me look better then anyone I know
7) Fall
No particular kind and my bangs and lady peyos tend to show sometimes
9) I wear lampshade hats on shabbos- but the rest of the week I do half coverings
10) I cover my hair when I need to, like at simchas, shul or when I am going to be embarrassed
11) I wear hats that cover some of my hair to shul on shabbos and holidays
12) I cover my hair around my ultra orthodox parents
13) I grab one of those doilies in the front of shul
14) I wear a yarmulke
15) I never cover my hair
What do you think about the state of Israel?
1) I am a member of the Niturei Karta
2) I am a secret member of the Niturei Karta
3) I do not support the secular state of Israel- but I am saddened by the death of Jews
4) I think that people should move to Israel- but shouldn’t have to join the army
5) I prefer that kids learn but have no problem with them joining the army
6) I support Israel- but would not be considered a Zionist
7) I support Israel, say hallel on yom haatzmaut and march in the Israeli day parade
I can several phrases in Hebrew
9) I went on Birthright
10) Do you mean Palestine
What type of music do you listen to?
1) I will not listen to music until Moshiach comes
2) Only heimishe instrumental music
3) Only Yiddish music
4) Only heimishe Jewish music- none of that Chevra stuff
5) Frum Jewish music- not including the rocky stuff
6) Frum Jewish music including bands like Blue Fringe and Moshav
7) Jewish music including bands like Matisyahu and Soulfarm
Jewish music including any Jewish artist- from Bernstein to Dylan
9) The only secular music I listen to is Yanni and classical
10) I listen to instrumental secular music
11) I listen to clean secular music, no kol isha
12) I listen to oldies and other types of mostly clean music
13) I listen to all types of music including Jewish
14) I listen to all music except Jewish
15) I’m a big fan of NWA and Two Live Crew
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Awesome Post!
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Why haven’t you written anything about YU/YU Guys? There is so much material ripe for satire in the YU community; you should take it up sometime!
Just fyi–because you put the number eight right beside a parenthesis as you numbered your list, they all turned into these:
I noticed- but I was too lazy to change it- I actually originally wrote this post for a new test I was going to make- but I got too lazy- so I thought of a new use.
Lily I have loads of stuff on YU/Stern- you just have got to search through it to find it.
I am glad someone made it through the whole post.
You should definitely make it in to some sort of test.
Does this mean people can stop with the whole- “I’m really not typical, You can’t catogorize me…..ect” which is basically translates into “I’m typical and like every other girl you’ve ever met”
Haha- I totally agree Stacy, those girls who say they are not your typical BY or Stern girl or Brooklyn girl can never back it up.
If this was a test, I think I’d get a “huh?” again.
This is actually sort of cool! I think it’s clear that a lot of these are a joke (I laughed out loud a couple of times!) but seriously, in comparison to frumster, while this is sort of tedious, I think it gives a clearer picture of someone’s hashkafic idenitity. I know that for myself, I’d rather people ask me specific questions on what their concern is, than keep pointlessly asking, “Are you Yechi?” or “Are you modern?” or whatever. Like, according to this, I listen to all music except Jewish, but keep chalav yisroel… people can get thrown off
Great post hesh!
Well I am going to do a post at a later time about the frumster phenomena- of people who write something different for what it means to them
This girl last week messaged me and she wrote something along the lines of. Yeshivish Modern means to me that we have no contact with the Goyim.
funny, i thought
was just hesh giving us his picks
“Yeshivish Modern means to me that we have no contact with the Goyim”
That made me laugh and cry at the same time!
Love all your posts, but your frumster posts are the best! They’re like my frumster bible
Urban Gypsy- have you ever seen the blog “frumster shoppers” its on my blogroll
Eppes i thought azoi also that the
was pravving hesh’s hashkafas then i was m’orer to myself that it grada was shayich to mean eight the number. Like reb sigmund freud said, “sometimes a cool dude smiley is takah just an eight.” kach shamati. A guten.
yes, that one’s really good too!
Good post, several of the choices made me literally LOL. You should really post this in quiz form, wouldn’t it be interesting to see the religious demographic of your readers? It’d be interesting to me!
Loved the post and chuckled out loud acouple of times. Like others, I also thought that the
was your choice. Very thorough, aren’t they?
hide this post from the shadchanim!!!
So so funny! Being the nerd I am, I love quizzes and standardized tests, except for a lot of these I’d have to check none, some, or all of the above. Great post though.
P.s. Can you add me to your blogroll please?
“8) I keep a 100% kosher home- but when I go on vacation and there is nothing to eat- I will have a salad or a tuna sandwich.”
Just about every packaged snack product in the US has an OU, usually OUD, to be exact.
Yochanan
I wonder how Heshy’s date is going. Guess we’ll have to wait for tomorrow to find out. (I’m assuming he’s on his date tonight because he hasnt posted yet lol)
i thought they were your picks, too! tell us which ARE your picks!
You forgot about those turbans
Hee Hee you may notice that I rarely make comments or posts at night- this is because when I leave work I do not use a computer until the next day. Last night I was riding my bike- its either biking or kayaking.
I have a date Thursday night!
Librarian you have been added- Mikeinmidwood could be added as well.
Just put me down as “I don’t know what ____ is.” in ever category.
Just put me down as “I don’t know what ____ is.” in every category.
This was good.
Thanks for the yentatainment.
Yentatainment eh- is that what they are calling me now.
OK, seriously, I laughed until I cried at some of these….
“Not only do I keep shabbos 100% I try and encourage others to keep shabbos by setting aside rocks to throw at their cars if they drive in my neighborhood- I find that this shows them the beauty of religion.” I just howled at this, I must have laughed for five minutes….
Apikores- it makes me happy that you laughed out loud.