Frum Satire | Jewish Comedy

I have been on a frumster hiatus for a couple years now, I assume that frumster has come up on hard times judging by the fact that for the last few weeks I have been receiving emails that keep saying $5.95 special first 100 subscribers or the special has been extended, well suddenly I looked and the special was down to $3.95 a little more then the price of a pint of ice cream so I said what the hell, what do I have to lose- besides for my sanity.

For those of you who have never tried frumster, don’t, unless you work a desk job it is the worst site in the world. It is not conducive to people who don’t want to spend hundreds of hours browsing through blurry pictures and cheesy profiles that describe the girl by saying one of three ways “my friends always describe me as…” or “I am not your typical…” or “I never really did this before, but here goes…”

So I took the plunge and reactivated my account, maybe now that I have shed my status of GU- geographically undesirable- even though I personally think all profiles of girls in the tri-state area are geographically undesirable- who the hell wants to spend the holidays at the in-laws in Brooklyn? That is GU to me, I would much rather marry someone who’s parents live in Oregon or something- that’s just me.

So as I was saying- before that rude tangent about GU’s, I took the frumster plunge, reactivated my profile, changed my picture, changed my profession- I think private investigator was way cooler sounding then what I currently do, but regardless- I back and ready to rock.

So I started searching and then gave up, nothing has changed in the year or so since I have been on, if anything, these cell phone text plans have made frumster worse then ever. If I read another profile of a 27 year old girl who writes “ur” or “kewl” I am going to shoot someone- I mean this is for marriage, you aren’t texting your friend the movie times. Now I know I am not the greatest speller, but I do capitalize my “I’s”- well I have noticed a trend that many girls do not, it bothers me immensely- its pathetic in my mind and I click away very quickly.

I have some other complaints- first of all what on earth does average mean? I understand its great marketing, I had a friend who would ordinarily be in the “a few extra pounds” section- but she said that since on average frum girls were heavier then non-Jews she felt that entering average was fine. The amount of false advertising on frumster is insane. Oh and guys- never trust those pictures of the girl who is at a wedding- always ask for another picture, people at weddings always look good- makeup artists can do some crazy stuff.

I guess these issues are what to expect from a site that charges 4 bucks a month. J-date is something like $30 I think, at least on frumster you know 99% of the people are actually Jewish- that’s a good thing.

The profiles have improved somewhat- I have noticed that more substance is being thrown in- the first thing I look at, if I got past the picture- is the hobbies, no hobbies and interests means I click away fast. I don’t want people who answer the question “what do you do for fun? With “I have no time for fun” that’s great- do you have time for a husband?

I have noticed that many more women are contacting me this time- I joined this past week and already 7 girls have emailed me. One of them was very cool but not for me- so I just sent her to the blog and you tube- I know that’s a little weird, but I am in the marketing field so why not eh.

Frumster is famous for coining phrases like Modern Orthodox Machmir and Yeshivish Modern so that we can further the agenda of the Lords and split of the serfs into a hierarchical caste system. Problem is that everyone says that the label they chose for themselves means something different. I mean what on earth is the difference between Shomer Mitzvot and Yeshivish Modern. They both keep mitzvos right- well actually shomer mitzvoth is with a tuf and not a suf- so people assume its for people who say tuf and suf. I am all for putting yourself into the shomer mitzvoth category because its so small and that means the ladies will have to eventually look at your profile. Modern Machmir is largest- so it’s a poor marketing move to place yourself there- I did, but later in the week I will change.