Jewish Comedy

62 responses so far ↓

• chanief // May 7, 2008 at 8:32 pm

  Dude! “Chitas is the swiss army of seforim” - I literally LOL (A Chitas could probably stop a bullet too if the occasion called for it!!) But why do you keep it in your car if it’s the best thing for surviving a plane crash? ;o)

  Oh and even though I’m a girl, ITA about the hot chicks. Lubavitch girls (and former Lubavitch ones, ahem) are indeed the hottest things around.

  So when are you converting? You ca still eat Ben and Jerry’s on the sly. I won’t tell.

• chanief // May 7, 2008 at 8:38 pm

  BTW I just realized. You should know the Baal Shem Tov was not a Lubavitcher Rebbe per se. He was the founder of Chasidus but as far as Lubavitch is concerned, the Alter Rebbe was the first (and there was noone in between unless you count the Mezritcher Maggid LOL) Oh crap! How do I still retain this stuff??

• SUPERFRUM // May 7, 2008 at 9:06 pm

  I’m convinced! Where’s your 1-800 number?

• Tamara // May 7, 2008 at 9:22 pm

  When you visit LA, you are invited to join our local Chabad for some good food and lubbi talk. Seriously though, I was just telling Avi that you are a crack up and would be a blast to hang out with. We are gonna meet you one day. Don’t know where or when, but we will.

  By the way, if ever in San Diego, to visit the rabbi and his wife on Shabbat from SDSU. The Chabad on campus rabbis are partiers, fun, and well, college girls. I used to spend all Shabbats there and I couldn’t tell the rabbi’s wife from the college students. Tight shirts, high spiked hills, perfected makeup, and fashion…hell, I looked frum compared to them

• heshman // May 7, 2008 at 9:53 pm

  Yes why are the young shliach wives always hotties- I just stayed somewhere unmentionable- and the dudes wife was a knockout.

• utubefan // May 7, 2008 at 10:11 pm

  Yes. The wives are always gorgeous and perfectly dressed. I heard that that is on purpose because of the Kiruv. And it works, clearly. They aren’t supposed to go outside in a snood to even take out the garbage. Always the Shaitel. And the Lubavitch bummy girls in high school–not our school, but we would see them at the Simchas Beis Hashoevah–were always full of makeup and short skirts. We never understood how they got away with that.

• utubefan // May 7, 2008 at 10:19 pm

  When we stay with Chabad, and we do often even if it’s just to share a meal on a Shabbos in Kalamazoo, I always feel that there is this iron curtain of non-Chabadness separating us. We’ve got the Kiddush, the Hamotzi, OK–so there’s lox at Friday night which is weird, but basically everything’s familiar and yet…we feel different. They are warm and stuff but we only speak half of the same language. And the Yechi thing is always a mystery hanging in the air. Are you one of them? Or not? But, they do have the absolute best Shabbos table stories and the most interesting fellow guests. The University adjuct professor who is an atheist, but likes the cholent. The guy whose wife left him and had a Bar Mitzvah once, works as a DJ at the local radio station. Knows how to make a Bracha, sort of. The guy who may or may not be Jewish, but is along for the ride. The other Shluchim who get an amazing set-up for vacations by just popping in anywhere in the world and hanging out and getting wickedly drunk yet maintaining their composure somehow. My kids kind of like it, at this point.

• menashe // May 7, 2008 at 10:37 pm

  In all seriousness today (Beis Iyar) was the Rebbe Maharash’s birthday. He’s the 4th Rebbe of Lubavitch (one of the two without a picture of him) His most famous teaching is “Lhatchilla Arriber” - basically that the velt tries to work within limits and then when that doesn’t work out goes beyond them. well I say to begin with break boundaries and change the world for the better. Another fun fact: He had like 9 older brothers that were all Rebbeim in their own right. One of those brothers was (IIRC) R’ Levi Yitzchak who was the great grandfather of the current Rebbe.

• heshman // May 7, 2008 at 11:13 pm

  Utube you gave me some great ideas for posts with that comment- thank you.

  Menashe you proved my point- it seems like every day is one of those “on this day in NYC history” blurbs they have on NY1 news.

  There is always an excuse for a party- Go lubbies- can you imagine if they weren’t from Russia and were from some peaceful country- there would be no partying.

• Lubab // May 7, 2008 at 11:42 pm

  Just to be technical, he had 6 brothers, and I’m pretty sure only 4 became Rebbeim. I think one passed away at the age of 7 or 8, and the one you mentioned was the other one who didn’t become a Rebbe, he was a chossid of his brother, the Rebbe Maharash. Hesh, the Baal Shem Tov was not from Russia, he was from poland, and the Alter Rebbe Didn’t live in Communist Russia he lived during the era of the Czar. But what the hell, to me you know enough to be a Lubavitcher.

• Nemo // May 8, 2008 at 4:18 am

  Dude, Shmais is so 2004. If you were a real Lubavitcher you’d know that it’s become nothing more than the Lubavitch billboard- a place to find jobs and hear about engagements. CrownHeights.info is the new Shmais.

  You also should know about Gezhe if you’re to know anything about Lubavitch. Gezhe means that your family is from Lubavitch stock, unlike the tainted-blood newcomers whose grandparents didn’t learn in Lubavitch Yeshivas in Russia, or didn’t at least sell fish in Lubavitch of your. You’re something else if “Der Zeide G’Pisht In Nevel” (the grandfather pissed (i.e. lived) in the town of Nevel).

  And if you’re really, really going to become Lubavitch you’ve got to make a big joke out of the whole Gezhe thing. You must regurgitate lines about how the best part of Gezhe is six feet under and laugh about how every good Gezhe family has a TV in their basement. Besides being from Gezhe nowadays pales in comparison to being the kid of a Head-Shliach. That’s where the real Yichus is at…

• Y-Love // May 8, 2008 at 8:51 am

  ROFL!

  So do you “know people who are not…..REALLY Lubavitchers” ?

• Anonymous // May 8, 2008 at 9:50 am

  dude, u summarized my high school experience in a 6 minute clip…awesome! you forgot the mivtzaim part…going to the mall and asking ppl if they are jewish…good times.

• rs // May 8, 2008 at 9:50 am

  dude, u summarized my high school experience in a 6 minute clip…awesome! you forgot the mivtzaim part…going to the mall and asking ppl if they are jewish…good times.

• Frank // May 8, 2008 at 9:58 am

  You didn’t mention 888 (Montgomery ST)

• Susanne G // May 8, 2008 at 10:00 am

  I prefer to be called Chabad Friendly rather than a true Lubav. Although, not only do I know what Shmais is (I’ve been a loyal reader of the Lubav Gossip Website for years!) but I’ve even gotten into arguments with the webmaster! If your motto is “Keeping Lubavitchers Informed” than he should be posting all important news…like this blog post. They should learn how to be good Lubavitchers via Frum Satire!

• Susanne G // May 8, 2008 at 10:13 am

  Oh, and, way before I was frum, I was given a chitas by a friend and I didn’t know what it was, so I just stuck it in the windshield of my car because thats all I ever saw her do with one.

• Hesh // May 8, 2008 at 10:40 am

  Great comments- I know I was not that extensive- I could have mentioned going to the Rebbes study to daven if your not yechi, davening with the hockers at Beis Shmuel and so on.

  By the way- I understand my site is acting a little wierd- this is what happens when you try and make it cooler without a webdesigner on hand.

• LubabNoMore // May 8, 2008 at 10:57 am

  knowing when the Rebbe was nifter

  The Rebbe was nifter CHAS V’SHALOM!?!?!?!?!

• Headbanger // May 8, 2008 at 11:38 am

  My friend’s friend was once in 770 and all of a sudden they pushed him out of the way as if it were some kiddush. They claimed “the rebba’s coming.” I don’t think it was a joke.

• Rafi // May 8, 2008 at 11:44 am

• Anonymous // May 8, 2008 at 11:47 am

  Shmais is so last year for Crown Heights….the best Crown Heights gossip is on www.Crownheights.info

• Hesh // May 8, 2008 at 11:56 am

  Dude it probably wasn’t a joke- but lets keep the Yechi stuff for another time. I was so happy that everyone is so friendly about this stuff.

  Usually these things turn into bashing fests.

• heshman // May 8, 2008 at 12:25 pm

  Not only do I know when the Rebbe died- I was at his funereal. The one time I was in CH for a shabbos was for my buddy Berels offruf- and I kept telling people that the last time I was there was for the funereal- some said- oh wow and others said- “what funeral?”

• Anonymous // May 8, 2008 at 3:12 pm

  I go to a chabad house for shul and all of the bochrim are ridiculously good looking…even despite the beards! And the rabbis daughters are gorgeous, what is it with the lubavitchers and their good looks??

• Hesh // May 8, 2008 at 3:15 pm

  I ‘ve been told it has something to do with the inordinate amounts of fabrengins they have.

  Others have told me its keeping cholvo yisreol- since they don’t use hormones on the cows.

• chanief // May 8, 2008 at 3:30 pm

  Frank - what about 888? I’ve been out of Crown Heights for years but that was my address at one point in time…

• Anonymous // May 8, 2008 at 3:35 pm

  It is the cholov yisroel.

  And you would not believe how many stories I heard in sem about Chitas’ saving lives.

• Hesh // May 8, 2008 at 3:41 pm

  Well its bulletproof you know?

• s(b.) // May 8, 2008 at 4:42 pm

  I bet a dollar LNM was totally being facetious.

• Anonymous // May 8, 2008 at 5:24 pm

  For the real scoop behind Lubavitch, or any other topic for that matter, you should check out
  http://frumteendex.blogspot.com/

• Nemo // May 8, 2008 at 9:02 pm

  888 Montgomery St. was mentioned in the book ‘Mystics, Mavericks and Merrymakers.’ Apparently there used to be some wild apartment over there…

  I’m not really into CH Underground, but I don’t think that gig’s been going for a number of years.

  Hesh-BTW, I left a comment but it got pretty screwed up… about 770 and Lubavitch travel, both very basic things that the would-be Chabadnik must know about well…

• Jacob da Jew // May 8, 2008 at 9:35 pm

  I gotta roll on up on my blog about Lubabs….Pretty cool folk, I chilled wit dem quite a bit.

• utubefan // May 8, 2008 at 9:43 pm

  Just a respectful question for the true Lubavs out there or at least the informed former Lubavs:
  Is there like a “Lost” scenario going on where you can only hang out with outsiders while your on your own turf, but you can’t get off the island to hang with them on their turf. I realized today in contemplating our Chabad experiences that we have always invited the Chabad Shaliach family to our house and they’ve never taken us up on it–not even my cousins who are pretty nice people. Not once. I get that they like to hang out with each other when they aren’t Kiruving, but it does really seem like there’s some electromagnetic force field.

• Anonymous // May 8, 2008 at 9:47 pm

  utubefan:
  how kosher are you? how about all the other jews in town? what would happen if the shliach trusted kashrus of only some of the jews in town?
  if you get my drift…

• utubefan // May 8, 2008 at 10:58 pm

  First off, I’m not necessarily insulted by it, I’m just intrigued by it. And I’m MO frum, cover my hair, yada yada. They usually spend just enough time with me to know that I’m good enough to eat in my home. I’m not talking a local Chabad house; I’m talking about the fact that we usually touch base with Chabad in the various towns we visit on vacation, often davening with them, spending Kiddush and many times taking them up on their invitation for a Friday night meal. Sometimes taking the leap to stay in the Chabad house itself, but I prefer not to do that. We always leave a nice contribution to the Shul that more than covers the costs of anything they’ve done for us. My husband kind of got me into this–I felt uncomfortable at first–but he wants the kids to learn from them outreach-wise and to learn that there are all types of Jews out there. Where else is a Frum kid from the NY area going to get such an intense crash-course in Ahavat Yisrael if not in a Chabad house? So, anyway, we always invite them to join us if they need to when they are in the area–for some, whom we have visited more than once, this isn’t such a far-flung thought and then there are my cousins who are absolutely wonderful people and who do visit NY from time to time. But, they never come to us. And, I guess beyond the Shabbos invite, it’s just that Chabad and non-Chabad don’t often socialize. It’s perhaps just situational. The Shluchim are busy running the Chabad houses and kashering people’s kitchens. Doing the real stuff of Judaism. What makes it weird and “Lost-like” is that with other sects of Orthodox Judaism you don’t necessarily hang out with them, but because of that you would therefore not be eating in their home or sharing a raucous Kiddush with them, but with Chabad that’s part of the game. They welcome you onto their turf. So, it just seems weird that there is absolutely no precedent for reciprocating. It’s one of those quirky facts of Orthodox Jewish life.

• Hiker // May 8, 2008 at 11:12 pm

  It is known that Luabobs are very strict in kasharus and that most of the places they live no one else is. Besides by not going to anyones house they cover all the bases. I wouldn’t take offense if were you.

• Yochanan // May 9, 2008 at 3:20 am

  I’ve always thought that Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi looked like such a badass in the Tanya picture.

• Anonymous // May 9, 2008 at 6:39 am

  I hear he can fix a wagon wheel in the middle of the Russian forest better then anyone!

• Nemo // May 9, 2008 at 9:14 am

  Utubefan- I really don’t know the details of your situation, but I would credit the fact that they didn’t come to your house in NYC to a lack of time. Most Shluchim only get into NYC once or twice a year, perhaps more if they live closer, and the time they spend there is usually visiting their families, taking care of Shlichus “business,” going to the Rebbe’s grave (Ohel), Farbrenging and getting inspiration for their Shlichus, or just sitting and learning in 770 like when they were younger. I would assume that most of them don’t have time to visit all of the people that they’ve met over time.

  There is also the Kashrus issue. Standards do vary amongst different Shluchim, and I certainly know Shluchim that are happy to eat out in some of their congregants’ homes. Shulchan Oruch, IIRC, in fact makes many leniencies for trusting someone else’s Kashrus standards. But there are many Shluchim that I’ve met who’ve adopted a policy not to eat out in anyone’s homes, even those that they themselves Kashered or even some fellow Lubavitchers, because they simply don’t know where everyone is holding Kashrus-wise. The Shluchim where my sister lives won’t even eat at her house, presumably because they’re super-strict about only eating Lubavitch Shchita. You said your MO… your Shluchim friends might also be worried about non-Chalav Yisroel.

• heshman // May 9, 2008 at 9:19 am

  Hey folks I just dug up the post where this original idea came from-

  http://www.frumsatire.net/2007/11/25/so-you-think-you-could-be-a-lubavitcher/

• JimmyJustice4753 // May 9, 2008 at 10:27 am

  As someone who went to yeshiva in the Lubavitch circuit, I can truly appreciate this post.Hesh it was a pleasure finally meeting you at the Purim party.I think you have the best sense of humor of all the bloggers out there.Keep up the good work.Have a good shabbos.

• heshman // May 9, 2008 at 10:40 am

  Hey thanks a lot man- appreciate the feedback- yes it was meeting you as well. Maybe someday I can be as cool and get 100,000 views per video like yourself.

• Anonymous // May 9, 2008 at 12:12 pm

  Utubefan -

  If you’re in New York I agree with what other people said. Usually they don’t get to New York very often and they have half a million things they saved up to take care of while they’re there and if they have family there they are probably maximizing what little time they have seeing family. Also they tend to be very careful with their kashrus, they don’t eat in other people’s houses ever, unless its their children or something.

• Anonymous // May 9, 2008 at 12:20 pm

  Oh yeah, the Frierdiker Rebbe (the Rebbe Rayatz) is the Rebbe’s father-in-law… one in the same.

• heshman // May 9, 2008 at 12:29 pm

  Wow so thats who the Rebbe Rayatz is eh- how about the Rebbe Rashab and Mahrash- anyother names for them. I know that frediker just means previous- correct?

• gp // May 9, 2008 at 3:04 pm

  Yep, we’ve got good food

• sheva // May 9, 2008 at 5:14 pm

  Ok i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. IT IS A PATENTED 3 PINCH . Not a crushed hat. My son is almost Bar Mitzvah and we went to get his new hat in CH and they show you many versions of the pinch to see what you want. Trust me its an art not a crush.

• Perel // May 11, 2008 at 11:20 am

  oh gosh…becoming a Lubavicher?
  I had my hopes too high for you I guess…not anymore…
  …
  …
  …
  …
  I AM JUST JOKING!!!

• Anonymous // May 11, 2008 at 12:57 pm

  Yep. Frierdiker means previous. I had to learn this stuff for a Chidon.

  Here is goes

  1) The Alter Rebbe - Admor HaZaken -Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi

  2) The Mittler Rebbe - I know they call him something else in Hebrew but I can’t remember what - Rabbi DovBer

  3) The Tzemach Tzedek - Rabbi Menachem Mendel

  4) The Rebbe Maharash - Rabbi Shmuel

  5) The Rebbe Rashab - Rabbi Sholom DovBer

  6) The Frierdiker Rebbe - The Rebbe Rayatz - Rabbi Yosef Yitzchok

  7) Our Rebbe - Rabbi Menachem Mendel

  I’m sure there are other names I just can’t remember what.

• Real Lubav // May 11, 2008 at 5:31 pm

  The Hebrew name for the Mitteler Rebbe is just a translation: Admor Ha’emtza’i. Good job on the list, though.

  Btw there are tons of stories about how chitas has saved lives. Just last year or so a guy was shot straight in the heart but he was saved because there was a chitas in his pocket. I saw pictures of that chitas with a bullet hole in it.

  Any other questions? I’m a real Lubav who lives in Crown Heights and spent some years on shlichus at Chabad Houses so I can try to answer for you

• Anonymous // May 11, 2008 at 5:48 pm

  Thanks for filling that in… with most things Hebrew related I can’t come up with them on my own, but when I see them I recognize them.

• chanief // May 11, 2008 at 6:25 pm

  Real Lubav - how in heck did someone have a Chitas in their pocket? I do believe it could stop a bullet, but really, what sort of pocket is large enough to hold one?

  Anonymous with the Rebbe list, good job. Certainly the Rebbe has an alternate name by now (I mean “Our Rebbe” # 7) No other name yet? Still just The Rebbe? Interesting.

• Anonymous // May 11, 2008 at 6:38 pm

  I leave so many anonymous comments maybe I should come up with a name.

  I’m sure there is another name sometimes used but I sure don’t know it besides for Ill see on seforim sometimes “admor cvod v kedushas”?? I think I’m not sure. Basically “alef-daled-mem-vov-resh chof v koof”

• stacy // May 11, 2008 at 7:15 pm

  sorry for sounding completely clueless, but what’s chitas? It sounds like something you’d order in a mexican restaurant.

• s(b.) // May 11, 2008 at 8:59 pm

  chitas con queso (jk). stacy, it’s Chumash with Rashi, Tehillim and Tanya.

• stacy // May 11, 2008 at 9:39 pm

  See now that makes much more sense.

• menashe // May 11, 2008 at 11:43 pm

  Is the CRI (Chumra Research Institute) accepting early applications?

  Some self-appointed tznius-police are threatening to damage any equipment used to show videos of the Rebbe during Lag B’Omer because - and I quote - “they claimed that it causes men and women to mix and mingle when they stop to watch the video. ”

  I am not making this up. See http://www.shturem.net/index.php?section=news&id=25753&lang=english

  These people have completely lost their minds. I wonder why they even allow women in shuls at all?

• s(b.) // May 12, 2008 at 11:11 am

  menashe, A/V equipment needs popemobile-type protection. What a bunch of bullies. Who are these two guys, and why do people allow them to threaten violence against Chabad? That’s a load of bs, imo. (then again, so is violence as a response to men and women allegedly mingling)

• Lilly // May 13, 2008 at 11:13 am

  Nice Post

  .
  .
  .

  Why haven’t you written anything about YU/YU Guys? There is so much material ripe for satire in the YU community; you should take it up sometime!

• Water // May 16, 2008 at 7:13 am

  Lubavitch bochurim will “take” a drink of water in other homes. So there’s to them eating in other homes……

  Just call the Current Rebbe -Moshiach Tzidkeinu

• heshman // May 16, 2008 at 9:06 am

  Some Lubbies do eat in other homes- its usually the shluchim that are most strict because the people who attend services always want to have them over and they can’t pick and choose- so don’t do it at all.

  I hear they will also drink vodka in other peoples homes.

Leave a Comment