I met a dude this weekend- that said he wrote a poem and put it on his frumster profile. He gladly gave me permission to post it here. Who knows maybe he will get some dates. Yes its corny and may I say it sucks- sorry Noah, but its clever and funny and he’s gotten great response. Thinking of doing one myself.
On a side note- if anyone is inclined to give me a Bio of themselves I can post it on my site- its no harm and with the shidduch crisis in full swign we might as well try and think of innovative ways to get those of you older then 21 years of age married- before you hit 23 and have to be called a nebach and move to the upper west side or Washington heights.
This is how I describe myself:
I’m a really nice guy, I like to eat pie.
I can be a little bit goofy If I don’t get it cut my hair will be poofy.
I’m growing spiritually, but also want a career, in Israel I would love to spend a year.
I’m spunky, little bit funky. I really enjoy food, I try not to be rude.
I graduated from law school, I’m considered a fool cuz I don’t talk in shul.
I like traveling and have been to some pretty interesting places, and met people from all different races.
I’ve been Shomer Shabbos for 5 years but I became much more frum two years ago when I was in yeshiva in Israel-o.
I view a career as a necessary means to adequately provide for my wife and kids so we can all be happy yids.
I have no intention of being married to my job. If that ever happens Ill just sob.
I am a sensitive guy with a soft spot for pets, if you don’t want to go out you’ll have regrets.
Hashkafa wise, I would consider myself to the right of modern orthodoxy. In Judaism I don’t like hypocrisy.
I used to live in Crown Heights, but now I get my thrills from livin in Kew Gardens Hillz. On this website I can not read emails, but I can get ims so Ill responds to you without fail.
This is what I am looking for in a mate:
I want a girl with a holy neshama, not some premadonna.
She’s gotta help me learn and grow and deflate my ego.
She can dish them out as well as take em’ and as for cookies she can bake them.
Must be from scratch or we may not be a good match.
She must have good middos, and dress tzniusly, not in Speedos.
She should realize that being frum is a joy and want to spread her love of Torah to every Jewish girl and boy.
Early in the morning when I wanna stay in bed, shell inspire me to get to minyan instead. Shell go the extra mile cause shell be an Aishes Chayil.
She should smile or I might deny her profile.
She won’t frown cause Ill keep the toilet seat down.
I would like someone who is laid back who I can chill with, I am very honest thats no myth.
I really enjoy food, I try not to be rude.
If you are a great cook it is a big plus, we should have plenty to discuss.
I am a pretty good cook myself so if you aren’t I can be the teacher. Ill try not to act like a preacher.
I wear a black hat on Shabbas day and Friday night, I hope you are not uptight.
I used to live in Crown Heights.
But now I get my thrills from livin in Kew Garden Hillz.
Congratulations, you finished reading this very long paragraph.
I hope you enjoyed it and perhaps it made you laugh.
Now just one question remains, could you be my other half?
Want to contact the author for a date? email Noah at noahjfried@hotmail.com
21 responses so far ↓
monseyain // May 5, 2008 at 10:03 pm
is this the guy for ohr somayach
SUPERFRUM // May 5, 2008 at 10:49 pm
When she tries to get you out of bed,
You’ll reach out and hit her on her head.
When she cooks you’ll want to barf,
You may even choose to starve.
Her Tznius sheitels cost way too much,
Your income will never be enough.
She’ll nag you until you want to sob,
You will truly LOVE your job!
Wait until you see your kids’ tuition bill,
The thought of having more is such a thrill!
Whatever happens, don’t give up hope,
G-d runs the world, and it’s no joke.
heshman // May 5, 2008 at 11:03 pm
I was with him in Ohr Someyach in Israel.
SUPERFRUM- you rock, maybe you could make me a poem- that doesn’t start like this.
“I wanna touch ya- but your shomer negia”
Its the only thing I could ryme
Maddox // May 6, 2008 at 1:52 am
I stare at you from across the room
Wondering if it’s worth the doom.
Your expectations of lifestyle are a bit too much
How can a single guy afford your touch?
One, two or six babies?
Don’t quit your job or we’ll think you’re lazy
Should I work or learn in Kollel
My inlaws will support me, oh well!
My shidduch credentials are terrible
The Rebbeim said I’m incorrigible
Won’t you just give me the oppurtunity
To show your sisters my masculinity?
I desperately seek my match
A normal Jewish girl can be hard to catch
Jappy, slutty, or shomer princess
These types could cause a grown man to contemplate incest.
One day when you see me on Avenue J
I’ll show you my children that turned out okay
They may be chareidi or hippy too
But nevertheless that’s the life of a jew.
I bored myself writing this.
gb // May 6, 2008 at 6:37 am
One of the graduation requirements of Bais Yaakov is that every girl must write every piece of correspondence, be it voicemail message, thank you note, invitation or resume in rhyme. It has to be bad rhyme to qualify. This is also true for any type of all-female entertainment, be it the school play, chorus, etc - it must rhyme. (And when Bais Yaakov girls start dating, the way to their hearts is to write them equally bad poems — ESPECIALLY your marriage proposal should be in really bad rhyme — and when you have kids they will be required to recite a very stupid rhyme on the voicemail recording letting callers know that they should leave a message)
That said, Noah, by posting a rhyme on frumster, you are essentially limiting your shidduch search because the only type of girl who responds to kitschy poetry are Bais Yaakov girls. If this is your type of girl, that’s fine, but if you are more the Stern or Carlebach type, you need to rewrite your profile.
Hesh, this could be the stuff of a great blog entry… typing girls by what type of shidduch profile they respond to….
s(b.) // May 6, 2008 at 7:37 am
haiku.
gesundheit!
more later.
Noah // May 6, 2008 at 7:58 am
In response to GB? Huh?
The whole point of my poem is to LIMIT my shidduch responses. I want to go out with a girl who appreciates my sense of humor and understands my personality, and this does a better job than any normal profile would.
Furthermore, I dont dig the Carlebach girls and it’s silly to classify girls into three types.
I’ve also had several girls who want to date me from all backgrounds, even non frum girls because of how I write.
Lastly, to call my rhyming bad, well that just is silly. I’d like to see how well you describing yourself in a poem. Cheesy, for sure,but so am I.
stacy // May 6, 2008 at 8:35 am
gb- what BY are you talking about? i’ve never heard that. rhyming every voicemail message is just weird, but if saw this on frumster i’d think the guy was quirky with a cute sense of humor, and it actually does the job of explaining what the guy is looking for.
oh and i wouldnrt consider myself a kitschy BY girl.
BurqaLady // May 6, 2008 at 8:45 am
This is how it is 12 years in:
When you get a 33000 bill for tuition (3 kids)
you work 70 hours a week and its rough
but after camp, school, food, taxes and gas it’s never enough.
I’m exhausted a “headache” each night
and you are just too worn down to even fight.
the kids are spoiled they whine all the time
and I am po’d b/c you’re never home before nine.
Over time, our expenses will just increase you fear
How is it not possible to get by on 200K per year?
This is just my point of view
it’s draining to be an Orthodox Jew
heshman // May 6, 2008 at 9:09 am
Burqa- you should start a Pro Shidduch Crisis advocacy group- we could make a movie similar to “thank you for smoking” espousing the ideals of being single.
My question to you is this- is being orthodox worth the pain. If not why dont you just move out of the city- I just moved down here from Albany- I would never raise my kids here its horrible- first off tuition in Albany was 5,000 a child and thats without any breaks, a nice house that run 800k here is 200k there and the commute is 10 minutes to work.
BurqaLady // May 6, 2008 at 10:41 am
If my husband ever moved away from his mom,
It would be worse than a nuclear bomb.
We are stuck where we live, where we were raised
Even though the expenses are crazed.
The key would be living a little bit leaner
But try telling my husband to give up his Beamer.
PS Loved Thank you for Smoking.
chanief // May 6, 2008 at 11:09 am
BurqaLady, you’ve got it right. It is draining to be an orthodox jew. There is never enough money or time. Your poems are right on target. Oh and most of the lifestyle is based on BS, which makes it that much harder to swallow.
Hesh, will you write the pro-shidduch crisis screenplay? I adore “Thank You For Smoking.” Can you make it that smart?
Noah - Good luck on your shidduch search. Your poems are definitely kitschy, I hope you find the right girl who enjoys that sort of thing.
heshman // May 6, 2008 at 11:15 am
First I need to make a shidduch poem- I wish someone would do a shidduch rap- Does anyone remember the Black Hattitude song “classic example of a shidduch date”? Now that was kitschy.
BurqaLady // May 6, 2008 at 12:58 pm
ChanieF- I am MO to the core- much less BS. No sheitl/bikini combos here.
heshman // May 6, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Damn straight MOdox representing.
chanief // May 6, 2008 at 4:01 pm
BurqaLady - LOL @ sheitl/bikini combo. I’ve seen that so many times and it truly irks me. I’m a total shiksa (by my community’s standards anyway) and you know what? I love it. It’s so much better than being a sheep or a hypocrite which sadly, so much of the orthodox community seems to be.
M // May 6, 2008 at 6:56 pm
LOL.
PS- Come on- why diss BY girls?
No one knows how to rhyme these days, it’s not just BY.
gb // May 6, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Noah,
I never said YOUR poem was bad, I said the typical BY girl’s poems are quality-challenged. And I agree, your poem WILL limit your responders (I’m not sure if this is a compliment or an insult). And I was kidding about the Carlebach/Stern example so LIGHTEN UP, man!. Finally, Stacy thinks you’re quirky with a nice sense of humor, so maybe you guys should set up a date… you never know…
gb // May 6, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Ok, Noah, here’s my shidduch profile poem (let me know if I met the cheese challenge):
I’m a fat uglee mama,
Me ya wouldn’t want to date
But it doesn’t matta
Cuz I got me a mate
Yeah that’s right that’s cool
thirty years since school
I been married to a macher
who’s now an alte kacker
Yep I’m taken
And I’m makin
A big fool outta me
So excuse me
While I park it
Cuz I’m no longer
In the market
I’m an old fat uglee
Bubbie.
heshman // May 6, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Good job GB- your not the author of the ancient yet infamous blog “not a hottie” are you?
gb // May 6, 2008 at 9:49 pm
No. Although I may be fat, ugly and ancient, according to my husband I am certainly a hottie still.
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