Secular influences on the frum community have reached an all time high. We have tried to stem these influences with bans and chumros, but to no avail. We are losing members to college, jobs and general secular doings that have no place within the frum community. We have tried to ban vegetables, sexual foods, concerts, sheitles, advertising with women, internet, television, etc… and where has it got us? It has helped stem the rise in our members whom are going off the derech, but we cannot go it alone. That is why we are pleased to announce the first ever fully accredited 100% kosher graduate school for those who want to help stem the secular influences of goyim, modern orthodoxy and some of those among us who wear bend down hats.
Chumra Research Institute or CRI is accepting qualified candidates for its fall semester. In order to qualify for this program there are several factors in which play into your acceptance. In order to adhere to the highest quality of students which will be the leaders in our tyrannical control of the orthodox community we cannot accept anyone who is not frum from birth, anyone from a family with members off the derech, people who’s father does not have a beard, does not wear woolen tzitzis and does not speak Yiddish fluently. All applicants must also go through a full physical and physiological test in order to insure that they can function under threatening and sometimes violent backlashes from people who are angry at the legislation of bans and chumras you will eventually be proposing.
CRI will be offering multiple degree and certificate programs. Eventually we plan on having campuses at each of the frummest cities in the United States- Eretz Yisroel has no shortage of people ready and willing to propose limitless bans and chumros- the shortage is here in America, in Lakewood- where women still disobey last years ban on arm swinging when they walk and in Boro Park where sheitle stores still display pritzusdick pictures in their window displays to lure husbands away from their wives in search of untznius advertisements. In Monsey, where the heimishe yidden still sit and eat pizza in coed restaurants- there are too many instances to name- but dare I say that we have a long way to go- and the need for educational programs like CRI is imminent.
The Chumra Research Institute will be offering the following degree programs:
Masters of Science- Chumras and Bans: Concentrations in ban psychology, chumra propaganda through WEB 2.0, independent study and research on what to ban next, looking at the fallout from different bans and chumras.
Masters in Chumra Economics: There is a whole economy based on the chumros that we will eventually legislate. Kosher water, bug free lettuce, vegetable wash, even the mechitzas needed for large weddings- all come into play when you risk alienating your friends and neighbors by not listening to chumras.
Certificate- How to make chumras into halacha: The whole point of chumras are so they can become the law of the land. Just look at separate seating at weddings, now many people will not attend a wedding which is 100% halachically ok because it has separate seating. We will teach you proper tactics in convincing people that your chumra is in fact halacha (applicants should have a firm understanding of gemara and arguments)
PhD: We are offering an independent study Doctorate program to become a full fledged signer and proposer of bans. Your name will be featured with gedolei yisrioel whenever they propose a ban and you will not even have to physically sign the document- it will be similar to pork barrel legislation.
In order to apply for the PhD program at CRI you must come up with several propositions for bans and chumras. We have done some research in the field already and have made several advancements toward our ultimate goal, which is to ban women completely- thereby reducing the need for many bans. In order to ban women from the public sphere so they are reduced to robots that can make food, clean toilets, do laundry and have children.
Here is a list of possible bans and chumras compiled by the Chumra Rsearch Institute:
Glasses: glasses magnify an object and therefore they might be used to focus on untznius objects more clearly. Only reading glasses will be allowed.
Urinals: This should have been banned long ago, it allows for possible pornographic transgressions, when one looks to his neighbor.
Music: because it appears that anything to passionate will arouse someone.
Cities with beaches located within their city limits: coastal Israel is banned, including Bnai Brak due to its proximity to beaches, also Long Island as well as Brooklyn and Queens since pritzus lurks around. Miami now, why not these in a few months during a chumra lull?
Phones: actually during the old days the Rabbis wanted to ban them because it was feared that people would be able to speak loshon harah easily. Well guess what, its only time before phones will be banned. They allow for unsupervised talking to people of the opposite sex including all those goyishe operators and the credit card hot line ladies in India, where they worship sheitles.
Banks: Interacting with women is assur, and at the bank, the bullet proof mechitza is not enough, since it is see-through reminiscent of Lincoln Square synagogue. ATMS will still be allowed during the daylight hours- since after dark there is possibility of yichud.
Restaurants without mechitza’s: I cannot believe more restaurants other then Greens in Williamsburg have not instituted this as law. I mean weddings and bar mitzvahs have separate seating, why not the restaurant.
Public Restrooms: Because some one in the upper echelons owns shares in depends diapers or the fact that stall doors cannot always be locked and some folks may be aroused at the thought of a naked person sitting next to them doing their business.
Mattresses: Because sex is just for babies and it shouldn’t be that enjoyable at least for the women anyway.
Cars with manual transmission: Because bad thoughts may enter ones mind when handling the stick shift.
Mikvah: We don’t understand how they still have public mikvahs while they have realized that abuse and homosexuality exists within the frum community, these SHOULD be banned.
Tampons: need I say why?
Women cashiers: What if one day they didn’t slam your change down on the counter. Possible touching may occur causing bad thoughts.
Coca-Cola as well as whole milk: The bottle’s red color is untznius. Maybe New Square and Golden Flow will have to change the whole milk color of red to black. Because black and white means a person is whole.
Stairs: Ever notice that when a person walks up the stairs their outfit becomes tighter. Especially women, their skirts may reveal that they are in fact women, and it may be possible to make out an ankle underneath the bullet proof stockings. I propose ramps o a slight incline to be determined by scientists as which angle will allow optimum rise versus less tightening of the clothing.
Escalators without mechitza’s: What if you were going down and saw a woman in a short skirt going up? Such nisroynos should never have to occur.
Coed airplane flights: Hey why should we allow the sexes to sit together on airplane flights? First of all what happens when the lights are turned down and it becomes all romantic. It is possible for your seat mate to lean her/his head on your shoulders by accident. You may have to “talk” to a women chas vashalom.
Women from kissing the mezuzah: When they kiss it they raise their hands in a very untznius way and that should be assur.
Ice cream: Because licking your lips is so sexual even when half a tofutti cutie is lodged between the person’s teeth. Oh and white cream is saved for making children.
Chairs for women: They should ban chairs, because when women sit down you can see that legs lie underneath their robes. I propose slanted chairs that cause women to lean on them making it much more tznius.
Robes: Robes might be replaced by garbage bags in the future. This comes from an inside source and we are waiting for the official announcement.
Summer camp: Based on previous chumras the goal has been to ban fun, summer camps are way too much fun. They are also notorious places for child molestation, which should be banned too- because apparently its fun.
Why hasn’t Craigslist officially been banned? Or is the internet ban a sweeping ban. Funny because in the Hamodia many of the advertisements feature email addresses and websites.
Envelopes: Licking is very seductive.
Windows: Looking at the shmutz walking down the street, a shonda.
Williamsburg: They say it’s the new hipster and artist capital of the city, not a good place for frum yidden to be.
Summer: PRITZUS- maybe we can build will build a ghetto in the arctic, where no pritzus can ever exist.
Calculators:Internet access may be possible.
CRI is not an equal opportunity, women and minorities are not encouraged to apply.