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Chumra Research Institute announces Graduate Programs for fall

Secular influences on the frum community have reached an all time high. We have tried to stem these influences with bans and chumros, but to no avail. We are losing members to college, jobs and general secular doings that have no place within the frum community. We have tried to ban vegetables, sexual foods, concerts, sheitles, advertising with women, internet, television, etc… and where has it got us? It has helped stem the rise in our members whom are going off the derech, but we cannot go it alone. That is why we are pleased to announce the first ever fully accredited 100% kosher graduate school for those who want to help stem the secular influences of goyim, modern orthodoxy and some of those among us who wear bend down hats.

Chumra Research Institute or CRI is accepting qualified candidates for its fall semester. In order to qualify for this program there are several factors in which play into your acceptance. In order to adhere to the highest quality of students which will be the leaders in our tyrannical control of the orthodox community we cannot accept anyone who is not frum from birth, anyone from a family with members off the derech, people who’s father does not have a beard, does not wear woolen tzitzis and does not speak Yiddish fluently. All applicants must also go through a full physical and physiological test in order to insure that they can function under threatening and sometimes violent backlashes from people who are angry at the legislation of bans and chumras you will eventually be proposing.

CRI will be offering multiple degree and certificate programs. Eventually we plan on having campuses at each of the frummest cities in the United States- Eretz Yisroel has no shortage of people ready and willing to propose limitless bans and chumros- the shortage is here in America, in Lakewood- where women still disobey last years ban on arm swinging when they walk and in Boro Park where sheitle stores still display pritzusdick pictures in their window displays to lure husbands away from their wives in search of untznius advertisements. In Monsey, where the heimishe yidden still sit and eat pizza in coed restaurants- there are too many instances to name- but dare I say that we have a long way to go- and the need for educational programs like CRI is imminent.

The Chumra Research Institute will be offering the following degree programs:

Masters of Science- Chumras and Bans: Concentrations in ban psychology, chumra propaganda through WEB 2.0, independent study and research on what to ban next, looking at the fallout from different bans and chumras.

Masters in Chumra Economics: There is a whole economy based on the chumros that we will eventually legislate. Kosher water, bug free lettuce, vegetable wash, even the mechitzas needed for large weddings- all come into play when you risk alienating your friends and neighbors by not listening to chumras.

Certificate- How to make chumras into halacha: The whole point of chumras are so they can become the law of the land. Just look at separate seating at weddings, now many people will not attend a wedding which is 100% halachically ok because it has separate seating. We will teach you proper tactics in convincing people that your chumra is in fact halacha (applicants should have a firm understanding of gemara and arguments)

PhD: We are offering an independent study Doctorate program to become a full fledged signer and proposer of bans. Your name will be featured with gedolei yisrioel whenever they propose a ban and you will not even have to physically sign the document- it will be similar to pork barrel legislation.

In order to apply for the PhD program at CRI you must come up with several propositions for bans and chumras. We have done some research in the field already and have made several advancements toward our ultimate goal, which is to ban women completely- thereby reducing the need for many bans. In order to ban women from the public sphere so they are reduced to robots that can make food, clean toilets, do laundry and have children.

Here is a list of possible bans and chumras compiled by the Chumra Rsearch Institute:

Glasses: glasses magnify an object and therefore they might be used to focus on untznius objects more clearly. Only reading glasses will be allowed.

Urinals: This should have been banned long ago, it allows for possible pornographic transgressions, when one looks to his neighbor.

Music: because it appears that anything to passionate will arouse someone.

Cities with beaches located within their city limits: coastal Israel is banned, including Bnai Brak due to its proximity to beaches, also Long Island as well as Brooklyn and Queens since pritzus lurks around. Miami now, why not these in a few months during a chumra lull?

Phones: actually during the old days the Rabbis wanted to ban them because it was feared that people would be able to speak loshon harah easily. Well guess what, its only time before phones will be banned. They allow for unsupervised talking to people of the opposite sex including all those goyishe operators and the credit card hot line ladies in India, where they worship sheitles.

Banks: Interacting with women is assur, and at the bank, the bullet proof mechitza is not enough, since it is see-through reminiscent of Lincoln Square synagogue. ATMS will still be allowed during the daylight hours- since after dark there is possibility of yichud.

Restaurants without mechitza’s: I cannot believe more restaurants other then Greens in Williamsburg have not instituted this as law. I mean weddings and bar mitzvahs have separate seating, why not the restaurant.

Public Restrooms: Because some one in the upper echelons owns shares in depends diapers or the fact that stall doors cannot always be locked and some folks may be aroused at the thought of a naked person sitting next to them doing their business.

Mattresses: Because sex is just for babies and it shouldn’t be that enjoyable at least for the women anyway.

Cars with manual transmission: Because bad thoughts may enter ones mind when handling the stick shift.

Mikvah: We don’t understand how they still have public mikvahs while they have realized that abuse and homosexuality exists within the frum community, these SHOULD be banned.

Tampons: need I say why?

Women cashiers: What if one day they didn’t slam your change down on the counter. Possible touching may occur causing bad thoughts.

Coca-Cola as well as whole milk: The bottle’s red color is untznius. Maybe New Square and Golden Flow will have to change the whole milk color of red to black. Because black and white means a person is whole.

Stairs: Ever notice that when a person walks up the stairs their outfit becomes tighter. Especially women, their skirts may reveal that they are in fact women, and it may be possible to make out an ankle underneath the bullet proof stockings. I propose ramps o a slight incline to be determined by scientists as which angle will allow optimum rise versus less tightening of the clothing.

Escalators without mechitza’s: What if you were going down and saw a woman in a short skirt going up? Such nisroynos should never have to occur.

Coed airplane flights: Hey why should we allow the sexes to sit together on airplane flights? First of all what happens when the lights are turned down and it becomes all romantic. It is possible for your seat mate to lean her/his head on your shoulders by accident. You may have to “talk” to a women chas vashalom.

Women from kissing the mezuzah: When they kiss it they raise their hands in a very untznius way and that should be assur.
Ice cream: Because licking your lips is so sexual even when half a tofutti cutie is lodged between the person’s teeth. Oh and white cream is saved for making children.

Chairs for women: They should ban chairs, because when women sit down you can see that legs lie underneath their robes. I propose slanted chairs that cause women to lean on them making it much more tznius.

Robes: Robes might be replaced by garbage bags in the future. This comes from an inside source and we are waiting for the official announcement.

Summer camp: Based on previous chumras the goal has been to ban fun, summer camps are way too much fun. They are also notorious places for child molestation, which should be banned too- because apparently its fun.

Why hasn’t Craigslist officially been banned? Or is the internet ban a sweeping ban. Funny because in the Hamodia many of the advertisements feature email addresses and websites.

Envelopes: Licking is very seductive.

Windows: Looking at the shmutz walking down the street, a shonda.
Williamsburg: They say it’s the new hipster and artist capital of the city, not a good place for frum yidden to be.

Summer: PRITZUS- maybe we can build will build a ghetto in the arctic, where no pritzus can ever exist.

Calculators:Internet access may be possible.

CRI is not an equal opportunity, women and minorities are not encouraged to apply.

{ 77 comments… add one }
  • monseyian April 30, 2008, 9:58 PM


  • Hesh April 30, 2008, 10:01 PM

    Glad I could be of service in making you laugh

  • OMG-LOL April 30, 2008, 10:03 PM

    Thank you for just making me spit my dinner halfway across the room. This is brilliant, I haven’t laughed so hard in so long.

    You used to write more of this type of stuff- I miss it dearly.

  • monseyian April 30, 2008, 10:15 PM

    my favorite part was the degree programs, i sent this link to like 50 ppl hahaahahaha

  • rach April 30, 2008, 11:27 PM

    just smashing

    need i say more?

  • SUPERFRUM April 30, 2008, 11:35 PM

    How can you be so sure that mattresses are assur? Is it possible that you bought your degree? I mean, how can I be sure that you didn’t cheat your way through Smicha?

  • x April 30, 2008, 11:46 PM

    Excellent post.
    I better keep my true identity hidden knowing women (married ones – no less) are reading your blog, or perhaps reading at all (who taught them how to read anyway?) might be considered not just pritzus but could lead to knee-oof (chv”sh).

  • s(b.) May 1, 2008, 12:00 AM

    Thank you! lol. Some of that will go over people’s heads, but so much of it won’t. Well done.

  • menashe May 1, 2008, 12:09 AM

    Because black and white means a person is whole.

    hahaha beautiful!

    so what kind of hat will moshiach wear?

  • me May 1, 2008, 12:28 AM

    How do I apply?

    I have an undergrad in child molestation, tax invasion and swindling.

    How about banning obeying police officers, the Irs and jail?

    The police hate the frum jews. They write out tickets if your parked illegally, They might arrest a Rabbi who molest children and frum jews that cheat, lie and steal.

    Why do frum people cover up crime?

    Because in jail the meat might not be the right schitah, they might not have a minyan 3x a day, There are no mezuzas on the doors and the pesach food is processed.

  • heshman May 1, 2008, 7:16 AM

    Everyone covers up crime- frum people just do a better job at it.

  • Raizy May 1, 2008, 7:30 AM

    That was a riot. You made my day.

  • chanief May 1, 2008, 8:46 AM

    “Pork barrel legislation?” Do you know how many impressionable readers just went off the derech in search of a ham sandwich because they saw that?!? I would like to apply to the CRI with a proposed ban on such treife words. Oh wait. I’m a woman and I have a brain. I guess the CRI is not for me.

    Very funny stuff man!! I’d love to see the application forms for this institute. Surely you can throw some hysterical but inane and ridiculous questions onto a form and put it here for our entertainment. Please?

  • Moshe May 1, 2008, 9:03 AM

    You forgot one very evil custom that should be banned as soon as possible, Hachnasat Orchim.
    Inviting singles, especially girls, will cause the men at the table to have impure thoughts and to think of women other than their wives when they’re doing the mitzvah later that night.
    Even worse is inviting couples, this is a true example of placing a stumbling block before the blind because this will cause the husband to covet his neighbor’s wife.
    Kiruv should also be stopped. Inviting these people into your house or even letting them into your shul will cause your kids to go off the derech.

  • heshman May 1, 2008, 9:10 AM

    Chanie I will try and throw something together- I should also do a syllabus- and maybe pictures of the grounds.

  • BurqaLady May 1, 2008, 9:11 AM

    Speaking of not inviting singles to meals- I once had a meal in the Old City where the host made all the men go into the kitchen to wash before the girls got up from the table so they wouldn’t ch”vsh see the girls from behind.
    I guess CRIwould teach proper “etiquette” to prevent such tempting situations.

  • Moshe May 1, 2008, 9:14 AM

    But they all sit at the same table and even with a mechitza, they will hear each other’s voices and will be tempted to talk over the mechitza.

  • Left Brooklyn and never looked back May 1, 2008, 1:54 PM

    How about a course in proper shul design? Heaven forbid the men may see the women and loose their kavana of their conversation(s) or that women may hear the davening?

  • heshman May 1, 2008, 2:40 PM

    You see my point is proven- Women need to be banned- it would save us so much money that could be going to things like developing bug free broccoli and electric fence mechitzas.

  • Anonymous May 1, 2008, 2:43 PM

    Hmmm…I am questioning the permissability of electric fence mechitza on shabbos.

  • heshman May 1, 2008, 3:44 PM

    Thats the problem we have come across- we are trying to see if solar energy is viable- because then the current isn’t being stopped- because its continuous.

  • stacy May 1, 2008, 5:43 PM

    showering, especially detachable showerheads because come on who are you kidding?
    we know whats going on in there

  • s(b.) May 1, 2008, 7:45 PM

    you can’t ban women — no more bochurim without women. women should be kept in barns, and raised like cattle by blind farmers who won’t be tempted by the sight of them. of course, this puts rebbetzins in very dangerous positions. and stacy, you’re so bold! that’s funny.

  • SUPERFRUM May 1, 2008, 9:28 PM

    What about the chumra about never using contraception – like we’re all supposed to have 21 kids? Maybe we should start practicing polygamy to make things easier…

  • Nemo May 1, 2008, 9:33 PM

    This must be a farce: the very concept of a graduate program is just plain secular! It’s even Assur to model our education system after ‘theirs.’

  • Mikeinmidwood May 1, 2008, 9:40 PM

    Hillarious, do you have a riot class because the you need to protest against people not keeping the ban and non kosher named places like subway ugh the subway its pritzus.

  • s(b.) May 1, 2008, 10:33 PM

    riots, small explosives, chilluls Hashem (like pushing women on buses), rock-throwing: shabbos edition, (sad that this is all really not funny)

  • stacy May 1, 2008, 10:49 PM

    the penal system.
    because i giggle every time.

  • mazeartist May 1, 2008, 11:24 PM

    What about banning mention of the holocaust? Just thinking of the holocaust may drive people to question where was G-D, and why some rabbis failed to resist.

    Also, the Jewish Press should be banned for publishing letters that criticize chumras.

  • Batya May 2, 2008, 12:00 AM

    just the perfect course for the creative and dirty-minded
    “all in the name of G-d,” right?

  • s(b.) May 2, 2008, 12:21 AM

    the word Breslov makes me do the same. (and I dig breslov thought, for the most part)

  • stacy May 2, 2008, 1:18 AM

    sb- me too, i’m like a 12 yr old boy like that.

    all sports, because sweaty guys changing and showering together, coupled with the ovious use of the word ‘balls’ will definitely cause some men to turn gay.

  • sh May 2, 2008, 9:00 AM

    we should also ban living above the first floor of a building (because it’s like the towr of babylon).

    all uses of the X chromosome in men (“kli isha”)

  • heshman May 2, 2008, 9:03 AM

    Well for me it was the word Organism is 9th grade biology class- I could never seem to get it right. Brestlovers rock, and how about “pianist” worse then the penal system by far.

    How about the word “oofukdenu” from davening. Or Rachov Penis in Jerusalem. Oh and Stacy- thank you for letting everyone know how religious girls figure out that sex isn’t just for babies anymore.

  • Anonymous May 2, 2008, 10:41 AM

    I am so relieved. I thought I was the only one immature enough to be distracted by “oofukdenu” during davening.

  • heshman May 2, 2008, 10:55 AM

    I was one time driving in my car and I did this whole parody to myself on that word- I relayed to myself in black speak- “oh f—k they knew” over and over again.

  • Hee Hee May 2, 2008, 11:12 AM

    Oh dude, dont even get me started!! I have a whole list of almost every chassidus name and how it sounds so dirty!! I dont think I will write it cuz I think its too dirty!

    I stayed at the Prima Palace once in Israel which is by rechov penis and when i needed a cab, i made someone else tell them where we had to go cuz i couldnt stop laughing!

    My brother in law bentches out load but when he comes to “oofukdenu” in yaleh v’yavo then he whispers that word-we always crack up!!

    How about the word sects-i have such a hard time saying it. Or when you want to say “ill be there in 3 secs” It just cant be said with out everyone turning around!!

  • Anonymous May 2, 2008, 12:18 PM

    The hamburgers at my local kosher restaurant are called Burger Big Boy. I can’t order one because I can’t bring myself to tell the 19 year old Chasid behind the counter, “I’d like a Burger, Big Boy.”

  • heshman May 2, 2008, 1:23 PM

    Hee Hee I hope you become a regular commenter- I miss my regulars with the insight.

    Anonymous- awesome comment- hilarious!

  • s(b.) May 2, 2008, 1:52 PM

    anonymous, I’d put on a skirt just to have a chance to say that. lol

  • heshman May 2, 2008, 2:06 PM

    Me too!

  • Yochanan May 2, 2008, 2:31 PM

    I like emphasising ufokdenu like there’s this guy named “Denu” that I’m mad at.

    Kolisha sounds like a stereotypical black chick name.

    How about Dudu for David?

    I always thought Virginia was a funny name for a state.

  • Moshe May 2, 2008, 4:07 PM

    Looks like everyone forgot about Uranus.
    And for those who went to college and took philosophy, who can forget Immanuel Kant.
    Guess how his last name is pronounced?

  • Anonymous May 2, 2008, 4:20 PM

    Another one-for those of you who know history, there was a chinese/japanese/korean guy who moved to san fransisco and wrote a book about america-his name was bit chuen woo, but every time my teacher said his name she would yell “BITCHUEN WOO” This was in the 8th grade mind u! Everyone remembered his name when it came to the test!!

  • Moshe May 2, 2008, 4:25 PM
  • chanief May 2, 2008, 7:32 PM

    How about “oral” torah? That one’s always good for a giggle.

  • heshman May 4, 2008, 2:02 AM

    Oral Torah- hahahaha…..

  • Dave May 4, 2008, 4:16 AM

    The replacement of stairs by ramps must surely be forbidden as imitation of Bet Hamikdash

  • G3 May 29, 2008, 9:58 PM

    I came across your blog yesterday and I’ve been reading some of your posts. This one is brilliant. I agree completely, banning women would solve so many issues! Just think of all the poor yeshiva bochrim who are now tempted by thoughts of women. Better if they didn’t know women exist. Just think, they may even MARRY a women one day… oh wait, never mind.

  • chevramaidel June 27, 2008, 1:40 AM

    I tried to find Rechov Penis on Google Earth but couldn’t.Must be awfully small.

  • heshman June 27, 2008, 7:50 AM

    Chevramaidel- didn’t you know that google is owned by the charedim?

  • chevramaidel June 27, 2008, 10:49 AM

    Can’t be-or Israel would be “Palestine”.Vatican City(l’havdil)would be “Bais Galochim”.Or there would just be large blank holes in the map wherever non-Charedim,or chas v’sholom non-Jews lived.

  • chevramaidel June 27, 2008, 11:03 AM

    You heard that astronomers found a dark ring around Uranus? And Asperger’s.What a great word,especially if you have Aspergers,because you get to say Asperger’s a lot.Assburgers! My favorite word is hippocampus.Think “Animal House” is the most popular movie there?

    • Kim April 16, 2010, 4:07 AM

      LOL I have Asperger’s! It is fun to say, but not much fun to live with.

  • chevramaidel July 2, 2008, 12:22 AM

    The Word Nerd’s Word of the Day: Ululate.As in: “The kallah’s friends ululated with excitement.” There’s lots of public ululation going on as Sefardim increasingly attend Askenazi simchos-my question is,how is this not Kol Isha? The whole concept of Kol Isha makes little sense to me as it applies to women davening or singing songs of kedusha. The rationale behind it is based on literally interpreting Shir Hashrim as a love song between a man and a woman, which last I heard we are not allowed to do!!There’s a place for caution-Shakira comes to mind(!!)-but the way most of the frum community reacts if a woman starts innocently humming to herself (since when is humming a kol?)-it seems like one more step on the way to banning women altogether.

  • heshman July 2, 2008, 11:43 AM

    uranus and aspbergers rock, what about bress-lovers. I love breasts.

  • chevramaidel July 3, 2008, 11:01 PM

    I think you have to say 3 Tikkun HaKlalis for saying that.

  • Phil August 5, 2008, 9:39 PM

    Ban the word Shabbos-dick or non Shabbos-dick for unmarried people, it may provoke thoughts reserved for married people on Shabbos.

  • KissMeI'mShomer August 12, 2008, 10:09 PM

    Attending a bris should be banned as well.
    It may arouse impure thoughts.

    Doctors’ offices should also be banned because of all the untznius magazines lying about. Did you SEE the shtus they put out in Parenting? Disgraceful.

  • Mindy September 7, 2008, 5:36 AM

    Good, Hesh, good.

  • april December 28, 2008, 12:20 AM

    sexual foods? WTF?

  • april December 28, 2008, 12:34 AM

    “Oh and white cream is saved for making children.” !!!!!!!!!!! That is SO gross. And when my mom told me about Rechov Penis in Israel, I didn’t believe her, but she swears it exists. Till I read this article, never heard of anyone who would say the name (aside from my mom).

    PS One Shabbat I was staying at this family, and the dad was making singing a song, I don’t remember what. Anyway, he said uFUKdaynu, with stress on the F-U-K. I think he was either concentrating or he wanted us to think he had a lot of kavanah. I laughed so hard that soup came out of my nose. No one else was amused. Needless to say, I never went back to their house again.

  • Geyores with a sense of humor February 2, 2009, 10:14 PM

    OMG. I haven’t laughed so oooooooo hard in about 2 months. This is awesome stuff.

    I’m sure my stomach will hurt tomorrow from all the laughing I just did.

    I loved the fact that I wouldn’t be accepted into the program! Due to background and of course, being female.

    The funniest thing about this is that I know people who would WANT to go to this very INSTITUTE!!!!!

  • Frum Satire February 2, 2009, 10:37 PM

    Well Miss Geyores they don’t accept women and if you talk to people of the opposite sex who aren’t your husband or kids you will be put in cherem.

  • Jason February 13, 2009, 8:11 AM

    nice one

  • Double M February 23, 2009, 5:27 PM

    I cant believe that CRI has not banned shir ha shirim!

    Also they need to start banning sephardi chatunah songs (example)… et dodi kalha. Who gave them the right to make love songs!

  • Michael Makovi July 23, 2009, 10:06 AM

    Shouldn’t red wine and black tea be banned as well? Heck, let’s ban white wine and green teas as well, since they could lead to red wine and black tea.

  • Dovid haShoteh September 5, 2009, 2:27 PM

    I have a piece of a shir ha shirim scroll from 1290 c.e. and it has a drawing of a dog mounting a dear on it, and some strange two legged creature with a prominent ‘second tail’ coming out of its pelvic area.

  • Jewish Dad July 16, 2010, 3:03 AM

    This was hilarious…. “India, where they worship sheitles.” <<< priceless

  • kissmeimshomer May 16, 2011, 1:30 PM

    I’d say Osama would be a good candidate for the school…maybe even to be a professor…but alas…Baruch Dayan Emes.

  • havarka February 2, 2015, 1:42 PM

    Such a good laughing

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