For the last few months I have been going through one of those lulls in my dating life. Ever since I broke up with my last girlfriend, I haven’t had too many dates, and sometimes it gets you down, the problem lies in when you get too many dates at once, and feeling the need to take advantage of all the girls being thrown at you, you decide to take them all on at one shot. This is called shidduch stacking!
My buddy who is probably reading this on his blackberry has a huge smirk on his face that says “I told you not to do it” and he is absolutely right, sort of. You see as a outdoors nut, I personally cannot justify giving up a perfectly good night of biking or hiking to date a girl, unless she wants to hike. I guess you can call me selfish, obviously I am not that desperate to get married or maybe no one is that exciting to give up a night of sweat and mud.
In the last two weeks I have stupidly accepted to go out with four girls at once. 2 are on line, now I know what they mean by a “list” in the yeshiva world. This is the first time I have had a list. Luckily one of the girls, although she was the coolest one, rejected me over the phone- one down. Then someone from facebook, a long time fan asked me out- I agreed because, anyone who asks me out and breaks down the stupid walls of chivalry, is deserving of a date in my book.
Then there’s the girl from Lakewood, which sounds cool, but Lakewood is 80 miles away in the wrong direction- if it was north or west I would have no issues, but there really isn’t much to do in New Jersey. Furthermore and this may be selfish, but red flags start going up when I realize they want to live in a big Jewish community, which I most definitely do not.
Then there’s this Monsey chick I spoke to last night, way too serious of a girl, wants to settle down. Jeez we are 26, our sexual drives are at peak and we don’t have arthritis, its time to take on the world, yes I am a romantic. But she did sound way too plain for me, I agreed to a date after some cajoling by her, who convinced that she doesn’t mind if I go into the woods- but of course I don’t think people understand the whole woods thing- its kind of like “I want a learning guy” well “I want an outdoors girl” or at least one of those girls that doesn’t mind a muddy weekend camped out with a bunch of hippies at Rainbow or something.
Then there are two more girls, which I was about to accept as well, but then I saw it was supposed to 65 sometime this week. They both “sound” interesting, and 90% of the time I can tell from the phone- which I know many people don’t agree with- but based on my phone experience, not ONCE was the fact finding phone conversation incorrect when actually meeting the girl.
One of the two other girls is from Toronto, and though I know nothing about her, she sounds very interesting, but yours truly is not lonely enough or desperate enough to go to Toronto just for a date with some girl I haven’t even seen a picture of. The other girls all have facebook. So I said maybe I’ll make a road trip out of it, that’s the way I flow.
So 6 girls at one time after being completely dry besides for my shidduch weekend, which didn’t work out but allowed me to see that my type of girls do exist, they are just rare. The girl I spoke to last night was trying to convince me that frum girls would never sleep outside and do what I do, I didn’t want to argue, but she was an aidel bais Yaakov girl too, yes they do set me up with bais Yaakov girls, 3 of the 6 are.
Read my words DO NOT SHIDDUCH STACK!
35 responses so far ↓
1 jelen // Apr 8, 2008 at 9:30 am
biking and camping are awesome! especially biking.
2 Anonymous // Apr 8, 2008 at 9:46 am
Hahhaha I love this, it’s so true - While it seems like a good idea in theory, ’stacking’ has never ended well. For anybody. It won’t get you anywhere but in trouble. Don’t stack.
3 RE // Apr 8, 2008 at 9:47 am
That last one was mine
4 heshman // Apr 8, 2008 at 9:49 am
Well the girls that intrigue me most are the ones that contact me, then its more chilled, all these girls are so into the rules of the game its killing me. If I say give me a call- to me it means nothing but to them its this whole game playing thing that drives me nuts.
Stacking gets you somewhere- if you are not attached to your bikes, my buddy does it well, he will go on 6 dates over a weekend- but he does not have my same issues- he just gets them over with. I don’t even want to spend the time- he is older I guess.
5 Anon // Apr 8, 2008 at 10:52 am
I get the feeling from your posts that you seem to like girls who do the work by asking you out, and that you would rather, as you said so yourself, spend time hiking and biking then dating. In other words, you don’t want to put in too much effort.
Do you really want to get married?
6 HeadBanger // Apr 8, 2008 at 11:39 am
It’s more like “I’ll get married if I happen to meet a girl who happens to be the right one.” Real effort will be put it when he feels the time is right. Until then, bike on. Maybe the dates are just to get some. And if they ask you out, score.
7 heshman // Apr 8, 2008 at 11:43 am
Thank you headbanger- took the words right out of my mouth. I think most singles probably would feel the same way I did if they had fun lives- but most of them dwell on their single status and become depressed and desperate rather then enjoying themselves.
Most of the singles my age do not pursue hobbies and have a pitiful existence of watching TV, eating sushi and checking their saw you at sinai accounts- I haven’t resulted to that because I like life to much to slow down and become lonely.
Its funny because only people who are really content understand, I would love to get married, but I would also love to be by myself on top of mountains- see the dilemma.
The dilemma can only be solved by finding someone else to climb those mountains with me.
No the dates are not to get some, if I wanted to get some I would go to Frumster or Craigslist or something.
8 s(b.) // Apr 8, 2008 at 12:07 pm
you don’t have to be a BY girl to want to take a shower before going to work in the morning. That said, if it’s that important to you, you buy yourself a camp shower and a water heater to make sure that you can do that. (the general you) And probably a good, most-terrain wagon to drag a thing of water with you (or borrow a jogging stroller, if you can). Or just get up early enough to stop somewhere and shower on your way to work. I haven’t ever slept late, camping, if I wasn’t up late dancing the night before.
9 Chavie // Apr 8, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Watching TV, eating sushi and checking a Saw you at Sinai account has more substance than you think.
10 T // Apr 8, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I really enjoyed reading this post thank you.
jelen, if you truly love the outdoors, hiking, camping, and rock climbing; you are a very rare girl and should have hundreds of dates lined up. Guys like us, who are into the outdoors have a hard time finding women with similar interests. Many claim to be interested, but remember we are a bit hard core and keeping up with us is a real challenge. A challenge few women are willing/interested in taking. Not that this a deal breaker, but it is a large part of our personality and we would like to share it with someone else.
Anon, we said anything about getting married. What ever happened to a great relationship. Marriage will happen, but be patient and don’t rush us.
11 outaline // Apr 8, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I never understood these 18-20 year old girls who were desperate to get married. As much as I want to get married at some point I’m in no rush. As a girl I have it even worse people tell me I’m crazy that I’m not trying harder but I’ve always believed that when the right one comes along I’ll put in the effort. Until then I just try to have fun and enjoy life. There are so many things that I got to do because I’m still single. I get to travel to places I would never be able to afford if I was married. Whenever people question me about how hard being single is I laugh. I always said that marriage takes alot of hard work with no vacation, it’s being single thats easy.
12 heshman // Apr 8, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Agreed Outaline- it is way easier being single then married. People give you their leftovers, its easy to travel and its easy to do whatever you want.
The no sex part kind of sucks, but who knows maybe this whole mikvah for single people will take hold and marriage will be abolished forever muahaha
13 Headbanger // Apr 8, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Dump your girl in the mikvah and she has Pilegesh status. Or just do her and then quickly say it was for Kedushin purposes, but then she can’t marry a Kohen. Whatever, Kohanim have temper problems anyway.
The thing is, even if you find the outdoors girl of your dreams, that fun ends with the first pregnancy. Shopping bags can’t even climb the stairs let alone bike a trail. And with the kids come the headache of a family and less time to do anything.
14 s(b.) // Apr 8, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I call gigantic BS on pregnancy (and kid[s] that follow) ending outdoors adventures. You may not be able to pack as lightly, but there’s still plenty of fun to be had. To avoid the need for moderation, I’m not including periods in this URL: gocampwithkids dot com. Too lazy to visit a link? Two words: infant backpack! Two more: baby sling! Being female and enjoying going to music festivals in the summers, I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I’ve seen about a dozen friends camp with their own kids (of various ages, from infant to pre-teen) several times, over the years. What it does require is parental teamwork — loving your spouse and loving your child(ren) is conducive to that. And if the future Mrs. Hesh or Mrs. T isn’t feeling up to going camping when she’s pregnant, it doesn’t seem like either guy will mind a weekend camping solo, once in a while. A little space isn’t a bad thing, if it’s not at the other’s expense. Sometimes women like to do things with other women, too — frummy play that?
15 jelen // Apr 8, 2008 at 3:48 pm
t:
i’m not quite as hardcore as you think! i’m kind of a wimp, but when convinced, i really will enjoy myself on a hiking trip. biking, on the other hand, is something i really really love but am too much of a bum to do on my own…i’d need to go with a buddy. in terms of why i don’t have guys banging down my door? i’m pretty GU (geographically undesirable) right now, as i’m going to school in rochester, NY.
16 ~ Sarah ~ // Apr 8, 2008 at 6:32 pm
lol thanks for explaining ’shidduch stacking’.
(it sounds like the name of a board game.)
17 Anon // Apr 9, 2008 at 8:00 am
The whole philosophy of “when the right one comes along I’ll put in the effort, until then I’ll just have fun” is a very nice philosophy to have….while you’re young enough to back it up. Shidduch stupidity aside, do you want to be single when you’re 30? Hishtadlus is hishtadlus for a reason. You have to do your part. Waiting for girls to ask you out, or to magically appear, is not a smart stragety to take. At some point, you’re going to feel like all the “having fun” is meaningless without someone to share it with - which is, I’m sure, a feeling you’re holding at bay by being so busy with the very thing that’s keeping you from seriously dating.
18 heshman // Apr 9, 2008 at 9:46 am
To be perfectly honest with you, as of now I wouldn’t mind being single at 30- that should appear obvious to you from reading most of my stuff.
I think the main issue is that not only am I not lonely at all, I love being by myself- its a big problem when the community tells you- you should get married. So while the concept is “nice” and yes it would be awesome to share some adventures with a young brood, I really don’t mind being single.
This goes against the grain I know, but when I am 30 maybe I will wake up and decide, hey I need me a wife and I will come out of my cave and hit one over the head and drag her back to my lair- but for now I am content with casual shidduch dating.
By casual I do not mean I don’t take dating seriously- I do- but I mean I am not out there going on shabbatons, saw you at sinai, frumster, upper west side etc… The only reason I really would go to the “scene” nowadays is to observe and write about it.
I will have you know that when its sunny out I just don’t feel like dating, in the winter my mood changes -every year its like this.
19 ZK // Apr 9, 2008 at 11:12 am
Sounds like you’re not interested in really getting married anytime soon….so you probably shouldn’t be shidduch dating, seems like you’re just shidduch dating for material….i’m on the fence about the appropriateness of that.
In regards to there (their?) not being girls who truly really want to go camping and biking etc. you’d be wrong…..you’re probably just a typical guy who wants the cookie cutter sweet aidel girl etc….and in that case you’re right….you’ll be hard pressed to find a girl who loves camping and hiking…and wants to stay home barefoot and pregnant……
20 heshman // Apr 9, 2008 at 11:20 am
ZK I would never pay for material, the girls I date- I actually am serious about. Its just that I do not consider myself to be serious in terms of devoting my life to getting married. I do my thing and hope the right one comes a long- I am just saying I am not moving to the heights any time soon- nor will I be shelling out 300 bucks for the SYAS shabbaton.
Its a metter of feelings towards marriage, I think men in general are less inclined to devote as much time as women do to thinking about it. Its great I would love to have sex with my best friend for 2 weeks out of the month- but in the end- I am stubborn and independent and I need a tough take no crap women- to put me in my place. Oh and I am extremely selfish as well, just look at me, I have too much fun for a 26 year old single guy working full time.
21 outaline // Apr 9, 2008 at 11:23 am
While I do know that at some point in my life I do want to be married I’m ok with that not happening right now. When someone comes up and I do go out I try to take it seriously. It’s just that when it’s quiet I don’t stress out about it and just go out and enjoy life which is something most girls won’t do. They’re too busy waiting by the phone trying to get a date to actually have a life (I have a feeling this is something that doesn’t really apply to guys as much.) I have spoken to girls who wont go on vacation for two weeks because, who knows what may come up during that time? There are girls who won’t go to college because they plan to get married really soon and are too busy thinking about the immediate future to think a few years down the road.
Heshman - I’m the same way I really enjoy my own company and don’t really need anyone else to enjoy myself (I’ve even taken a vacation or two by myself.)
Trying doesn’t always work either, there are plenty of single 30 year olds who tried really hard and did everything right and still don’t get married. All I’m trying to say is that I would hate to wake up years from now and realize I haven’t done anything with the past 10 years of my life. That would make being single at that stage even worse.
22 Homeschool Mom // Apr 9, 2008 at 3:53 pm
If I was looking to snag Hesh (don’t worry, I’m neither Jewish, single or young enough) I would at least make sure I learned how to cook better than the next Feed Me Bubbe (or whoever).
If he’s not terribly tempted by the 2 weeks a month, he might be by endless food porn. LOL…
23 Ahuva // Apr 9, 2008 at 4:58 pm
s(b.), you’re right and not right. I know people who do the baby sling/baby backpack thing, but a pregnant wife is not going to be able to do the kind of hardcore stuff that Hesh is into. So, unless they’re into birth control to space the kids, there are going to be some serious limits on his outdoors time. Most pregnant wives won’t want to be left home alone while their husbands go on adventures. Now if you want to limit outdoor activities to camping out at the Philadelphia Folk Festival, you’re absolutely right.
24 Hesh // Apr 9, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Ahuva thats where my obsession with amassing books and reading them comes in- I could rock the homebound man for a bit. Do some gardening, cook some chow, massage my wifes tummy I know the shizz. Late night cravings for ben and jerrys.
25 beth // Apr 10, 2008 at 3:56 am
I love how Hesh considers anything not backpacking and mountaineering “homebound”
26 Ahuva // Apr 10, 2008 at 7:34 am
Hesh, you’re going to make a great chosson when you decide to settle down (that was a good response).
27 M // Apr 10, 2008 at 10:34 pm
LOL, Hesh, dat last comment was just too funny. I actually snorted there.
28 M // Apr 10, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Oh, and yeah- I agree with you, Ahuva, though he’ll probably trounce you on the settling down part. I think you want to rewrite that as, “get married.”
29 Hesh // Apr 10, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Can’t you feel the love.
30 s(b.) // Apr 11, 2008 at 11:49 am
I can feel the love. (and I can even detect sarcasm, once in a while!) The future mrs. hesh will be someone special, for sure. I tried to post this yesterday, but you know this thing doesn’t always work.
—–
I hear you, ahuva, and I agree w/your assessment of hesh’s response. I think part of this is where the value of time apart comes into play. (and as far as a bc heter goes, I think he and his future mrs. will figure that out, if they decide they need one [I understand very well the pros of spacing out childbirths]).
Having grown up with a single dad, when I was with him, I know abbas can travel just fine with kids alone (my folks split when I was 2.5; he remarried when I was 13). I went everywhere w/my dad, and he got side jobs that allowed us to travel; it rocked.
How the future mrs. hesh would feel about it, I don’t know, but the idea of (ideally) pumping some breast milk in advance and spending an afternoon or evening doing some things solo (like taking a bike ride, bathing or grocery shopping uninterrupted or being able to catch an evening of live music) would probably sound good to me (taking turns going out is one way my friends with kids who can’t often afford sitters are able to both still see concerts).
I can’t picture him being with someone who isn’t also fairly independent. I think that’s good, ’cause it makes time spent together a matter of “I want to,” not “I have to.” (and it seems like he understands that people sometimes ride hormonal roller coasters that temporarily suspend rational thought)
Until a child is able to bike/hike him/herself, I think it’s understood that family camping requires some flexibility/ adaptation. I hear having kids is worth it.
I guess it boils down to whether or not Hesh 1. really wants to have kid(s); 2. would be willing to trade solo time equally with his spouse when the kid(s) are too young to camp/bike/hike like he does (if she wants time to herself, too).
If Hesh decides he wants kids, I fully expect him to be posting pictures of himself out hiking, baby in sling, pack on back (w/baby sherpa backpack for day hikes or a similarly modified bag strapped to his regular pack).
And if you listen carefully, you can hear him telling his kid all about the beauty of Hashem’s creations and he watches his kid soak it all in for the first time, from a tree to a sunset, or being careful not to knock his kid on the head during s’lach lanu during a dewy shmoneh esrei, his kid soaking in every word and bow. (If you’ve ever been at a seder where you’ve seen a father carefully explain magid to his infant, you understand exactly what I mean.)
I am also convinced that if he has kids, Hesh will make at least one of his bikes look more like this as soon as the kid is old enough to wear a helmet: http://myweeride.com.au/modules.php_files/IMG_0674.jpg
31 C // Apr 27, 2008 at 12:31 pm
article sounds a bit callous
32 Shevers // May 13, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Agreed Outaline- it is way easier being single then married. People give you their leftovers, its easy to travel and its easy to do whatever you want.
- That is so true. If I wasn’t afraid of husbands maybe I’d get married, but the leftovers would suck to give up.
Also, I was hiking down Har Arbel in Israel and there was a family going up the mountain, and the father (I’m guessing…) was carrying an infant up in his arms… anything is possible.
33 heshman // May 13, 2008 at 2:34 pm
If being single was so much better then being married- I doubt so many people would be complaining about the “shidduch crisis” or they are just really lonely and sexually frustrated.
Maybe it should be changed from the shidduch crisis- to the “I want to have sex but cant” crisis.
34 Shevers // May 13, 2008 at 2:46 pm
True.
Maybe my perspective will change in a few years…
but when you’re not even 20, trying to get a degree, receive “Mazal Tovs” that were intended for your engaged friends and mistakenly bestowed on you, receiving gentle harassment and “hints” from the powers that be…
yeah I’m not exactly running down the road trying to hunt me some man.
35 Shevers // May 13, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Wow; misread your previous comment.
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