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Shabbos Goy University

27 comments

In Monsey they have something called Shabbos Goy University other wise known as SGU. This is similar to those corporations that call their training programs university, McDonald’s and Target have similar situations for corporate managers. Unlike other communities, Monsey is rather spread out in area and each neighborhood can range from yeshivish to chassidish and everything in between. With these sort of discrepancies and different hashkafic realms it is important for each shabbos goy, or neighborhood security as the political correct environs of Rockland County demand, it is important to make sure each shabbos goy is trained properly in the techniques of shabbos goyisms.

With the shift to the right in ultra orthodoxy, it has become obsolete to merely run up to your neighbors house where they might be mowing the lawn and making small talk and telling them casually that your air conditioner was timed wrongly. First of all, the only non-Jews who live in Monsey are Hispanic and they are usually standing on Route-59 waiting for contractors to pick them up, and no one really does yard work around here anyway- either you are wealthy and cannot be bothered, or you let the bicycles and empty boxes of kedem grape juice pile up on your lawn stunting grass growth.

Obviously these reasons as well as the rash of chumros regarding inviting th shabbos goy to simply turn your lights on has created such issues that Rockland Community College, also known as RC-Squared created this program the Shabbos Goy University. It is an associates, and until New York State Chumra Board demands they need more training, all is quiet on the western front.

The training begins with a psychological assessment to see if the trainee can play with the fundamentals of reverse psychology. This means that when these “neighborhood security” folks are on patrol, they can tell right away what a person means, when they say “wow, shabbos goy, its really hot out today”, since this is Monsey people usually aren’t that friendly and any dope would take this to mean, “I need my air conditioner turned on.” It used to be that one would have to invite strangers into their house and the newly elected shabbos goy had to decipher what ten different people were trying to tell him. Then of course he may give up and a random elbow would fly up to turn on whatever was off while someone shouted SHINUI!!!

“Our food is all cold” obviously means for the shabbos goy to turn on the oven. As does “we cant see anything in here” mean to turn on the lights. But the ultra orthodox do not view these as valid heterim for telling someone to make you more comfortable on the day of rest, after all if you are turning on lights and cooking your food to comfort levels you are exerting yourself in extreme avoda. It does get harder when it comes to the lesser known of the 39 melochos, I mean how would one tell a shabbos goy to be “borer” for them? Or how would one tell the person to cut the birthday cake that has words on it, because you fear you may cut them? These issues are all dealt with in advance level courses that deal with things such as “what do they really mean?” and “which melocho do they want me to break for them?”

The program is so successful that I feel they should introduce courses for religious Jews on things like “cleaning up after yourself in the pizza store” OR “putting on blinkers when you stop in the middle of the road to pick up hitchhiking chassids” OR “An introduction to night walking safety”

BTW- I have created a new category entitled “Monsey” for all the happenings in my new place of residence.

  • jennthejewess

    So what is the compensation for being a shabbos goy?

    • phil

      I’ll do it for $9.50 an hour.

  • heimish in bp

    The leftover, open boxes of uncooked noodles and marzipans from shalach monas, erev pesach

  • Yochanan

    “An introduction to night walking safety”

    What do you think of those crime scene reflecter thingamajigs?

  • http://chnyock.blogspot.com CHNYOCK

    excellent post.

    monsey has a great variety of funny frummy female headwear, i cant wait for your post about that.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    I have no idea I should have touched on the fact that the program guarantees you a job when you graduate. Well its a weekly job so its part time.

  • anon

    hey i think i saw you today. were you in bubba’s? cuz there was a guy there who looked a little like you (at least he looked like you when you do your video posts)

  • justin

    I was once in an area of Monsey for Shabbos where there were codes. A security guy drove around and if a family needed something they would raise the flag of their mailbox and the guy would know to go in to the house

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    I walked into Bubbas today for about 2 minutes to grab a menu- thats hilarious- you should have said something. I work right down the block so I am getting a fix on who sells what in that plaza.

    The eggplant pizza at Shellys kicks butt and I had some chicken with broccoli from wok tov the other day.

  • s(b.)

    good stuff, man.

  • David

    Off to a good start on the Monsey material– keep it up!

  • Goy

    I wish I understood this. If it is wrong to do things yourself on Shabbos it certainly seems wrong to ask someone else to do them for the benefit of yourself. I am sure it is legally correct but I don’t get it.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    Oh the Monsey material will be vast.

    Legally as in halachically? Then you are prob right and wrong, halacha is one big gray area thanks to the “2 jews 80 opinions” concept and thousands of years of bickering.

  • utubefan

    Cleaning up after yourself at the pizza store–YEEESSSS! Also, not doubleparking in front of Shelley’s in your big old SUV, thereby blocking the customers who come to the animal hospital with their sick pets while you run in and get the pizza you ordered because you are too lazy and spoiled to park a few feet away. Animal-lovers and animal hospital employees can get really angry and have been known to yell at humans who act stupid. The vegetable Sicilian is great. Tell Eddie/Itzik to make it for you.

  • Hi

    Make new videos I want to see your new place!

  • Goy

    Not trying to stir up stuff…or cause trouble…

    Yes I did mean halachically; it just does not seem to fit the spirit of the law even if it fits the letter of it.

  • ConservativeSci Fi

    This post was Hilarious!! I have to ask, though, if this is a joke or real, because I can’t tell. It reminds of my daughter’s bat mitzvah (last year). Some orthodox cousins (modern orthodox) were coming, and were staying in a hotel near my synagogue (which is a mainline conservative, pretty strict kashrut synagogue). (Of course, the men didn’t come into the service, Kol Isha and microphone and all). Anyway, the did want to come to my house after the service, but I live about 10 yards beyond the Eruv. So a neighbor found us a nice Indian boy (from India), who pushed the double stroller to our house from the synagogue. Of course, I would have done it myself, but I knew that wouldn’t have been okay.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    It is most definitely a joke, sorry to burst your bubble. Thanks for the story, I was wondering why more people didn’t post their shabbos goy stories.

  • http://www.xanga.com/mazeartist mazeartist

    When I see selfish people leaving their trays on pizzeria tables, I remind them, “Don’t forget to leave a tip.” A pizzeria is not a fancy restaurant, people should clean after themselves, so others can sit down.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    Welcome to Judaism, the bigger mess you leave the more religious you are- for some reason this seems to be correct, or maybe its based on the amount of unruly ill mannered children.

  • A Real Shabbos Goy

    Revelation 3:9 – “Behold, I will make those of the synagogue of Satan who say that they are Jews and are not, but lie–behold, I will make them come and bow down before your feet, and learn that I have loved you.”

    Lord Jesus, speaking to all goyim & jew, who believe he died the Holiest sacrifice.

    In this sacrifice, the prophet Isaiah and others are fulfilled. The synagogue of satan has fun making fun of cattle, but you; ancient Israel, come out of her and follow the Lord your God.

  • Anon

    Real shabbos goy:
    missionizing here is not appreciated. I suggest that hesh delete that comment.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    Dude that comment is hilarious!

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  • philthegoy

    sounds good! Im looking for a career change I can do this. willing to start at $7.50 an hour.

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  • chevramaidel

    Utubefan is obviously ignorant of the halacha when there is a conflict between people parking at a kosher restaurant versus an animal hospital. The restaurant takes precedence, as many mitzvos are performed there – eating kosher, making brachos, showing our superiority to the goyim by making them clean up our mess while allowing our children to stare at them rudely and run about getting in their way. An animal hospital? Keeping treife animals in your house, bitul Torah, the folly of raising your children to have respect for all Hashem’s creatures when we Yidden are clearly the only ones who matter… just plain shtuss!

  • notexactlyjewish

    LOL, that is hilarious you can get your non-Jewish friend to do all the work on Shabbos. But doesn’t it still count against you if there is a fire started in your house/synagogue on Shabbos? It is still your idea anyway, at least in part isn’t it?

  • Shabbos Goy

    when i was at yeshiva i remember most of the guys would laugh at the shabbos goy who had a real funny accent and walked with a limp. and i always thought to myself..”sheesh—and we’re supposed to be better because we follow Torah. And we make fun of Hashem’s own bryiot.” Made me realize that our lives are a swindle and a fraud. Yeah, laugh at the goyim, chaverim…be prepared to answer to Hashem for making fun of his non Jewish people. That’s a real shondeh.

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