Rabbi Shafier of The Shmuz asked me to post the following article, because he felt many of my readers may gain from it. For those of you who haven’t seen the free magnets on just about every minivan between Monsey and Lakewood- The Shmuz is a database of online as well as personal mussar and hashkafic learning opportunities. Oh and best of all its free, I downloaded 160 45 minute long shmuzem for my Ipod and it only took up 1.5 GB of space. If you want your free magnet so you can represent and show everyone you are a frummy, just go to the site and they will hook you up.
Finding and keeping your Bashert: How to avoid the dating game mistakes
Playing Shadchan
When my wife and I were newlyweds, we took up an informal study of marriages. At the time, my parents had a close circle of friends, 8 couples, who got together regularly. After carefully looking at each couple, we both reached the same conclusion: every one of them was mismatched! Had we been the shadchanim, we would not have put any of them together. She was too smart… He was too frum… She was too sophisticated… He was too loud…They just didn’t fit together.
Marriage is not a match of two like individuals
Our little study brought home one point: a good marriage isn’t necessarily a match of two similar individuals. It is a union of a man and woman, vastly different in temperament, emotionality, frame of reference, and priorities, each one with different strengths and weaknesses. In a successful marriage, the couple completes one another, so that his deficiencies are compensated for by her strong points, her shortcomings filled in by his positive attributes, and the whole is much greater than the parts.
So tell me what are you looking for?
This highlights one of the common errors made in today’s dating game. When the Shaddchan says in that sing-song voice, “So tell me, what are you looking for?,” out comes the laundry list.
“I need someone who is extroverted, funny, and outgoing.”
“I need a woman who is very frum, good, kind, tolerant, and funny.”
“I need a guy who is tall, a take-charge type, strong but not headstrong.”
And unwittingly, many people make the first mistake of the dating game - they aren’t looking for their Bashert- they have already formed him in their minds, and now are out to find the one that comes the closest to that image.
It is almost like the children’s toy Mr. Potato Head. You get to design the doll, choose red lips, big ears, small eyes, short legs… Before going out most people go through a sort of personal inventory: “Let’s see. Since I am…., I need…” Unconsciously, they put together a wish list of qualities to take out into the market place. Then amazingly, they find themselves frustrated. “I just can’t find Mr. Right.”
The wisdom of Shlomo Ha’Melech
Not only isn’t this a Torah approach to dating, it comes from a lack of understanding of the complexity of the human being. For a person to accurately choose the person that is right for them, they would need the wisdom of Shlomo Ha’Melech.
Before anything, I need the self-understanding to answer: “Who am I? What really makes me tick? What are my true strengths and real weaknesses? How will I react in different life situations? What will I be like in twenty years?”
The reality is that most people can’t answer those questions even when they are eighty years old, let alone when they are first starting out in life.
But even more difficult is the next step: defining what I need in a spouse. Based on who I am and what my nature is, which qualities will augment my own, and which will clash? Based on where I will be in life, do I need someone who is emotionally supporting, or will I only flourish if I have someone that I support?
Rosh Ha’Yeshiva – we finally found him a Shidduch
I remember once, before giving shiur, the Rosh HaYeshiva (Rav Henoch Lebowitz) remarked, “Boruch HASHEM, we finally found a shidduch for that guy. What a temper that fellow has! I didn’t know who we could possibly marry him off to, but, Boruch HASHEM, we found the perfect shidduch for him.”
Needless to say, everyone was curious as to who the perfect shidduch was for this guy with the fierce temper.
The Rosh HaYeshiva continued, “We found him a woman with a temper bigger than his. Now when he opens his mouth, she’ll scream back even louder, and he’ll be quiet as a lamb — the perfect shidduch.”
Now, everyone knows that the worst match for a guy with a temper is a girl with a temper. It’s is asking for World War Three. Only the Creator, who put them together understands their inner nature and recognizes how they will interact. Only the Creator knows that this guy talks a big game, but his inner being is really docile, that he won’t explode when confronted, but quite the opposite becomes placid. Only HASHEM knows that what he needs for his growth is a strong woman who will put him in his place.
Some jobs are better off left to HASHEM
When a person spends some time thinking about the complexity of the human, he’ll understand the difficulty of finding the right match for a person, and quickly realize that some jobs are better off left to HASHEM. Then it starts to crystallize, “I really don’t know that much about this thing called marriage. I don’t really understand why some couples flourish while others disintegrate. In truth, I haven’t been on this planet long enough to really know myself, and surely not what I need in the opposite gender to perfectly balance me.”
Once a person reaches this understanding, then he is ready to use the Bashert system of going out. This system resembles the way that many people approach shidduchim. But don’t be fooled - it is vastly different.
The Bashert System
The Bashert System involves two parts. The first is rather similar to the way most people go out. Before the date, before there are any emotional investments, you take a “paper test.” On paper, do the two match? Are they looking for the same things in life?
Are they looking to lead the same lifestyle?
Once that is established, then you meet — and here is where things work very differently — the reason that you meet isn’t because you are looking for the person who is best suited for you, nor because you are searching for the person who you would most like to spend the rest of your life with. You are looking for the person who was chosen for you.
Forty days before I was born, a certain individual was hand-chosen for me as the perfect mate, my life partner. Now I am going out to find her. Not to find the one who comes closest to my image of what I want. Not to find the person that I think will best suit my needs. I am looking for my Bashert -– and to do that, I take the Bashert test.
The Bashert Test
The Bashert Test is to meet this person and see how I feel. Do I feel comfortable? Do I enjoy her company? Does it just sort of feel right? Not deep, mad passionate love. Not rockets on the fourth of July. Not even “Wow!!!” Just does it feel natural? Did you enjoy the date? Do you look forward to seeing her again? Does it sort of seem to click? If it does, then she passes. That is the sign that she is the one destined for me.
The Bashert Test is based on the perspective that HASHEM runs this world, and my job is to go out and do my hishdadlus, relying on HASHEM to bring me what I need. HASHEM gave us the intuition to know certain things, one of which is who is the right one for me.
Too smart for the system
One of the reasons that people get stuck is because they become too “smart” for the system. A young man will say something like, “The dates are great, I really look forward but she’s not worldly enough for me”…or not intelligent enough, not outgoing enough, or “I’m just not sure that she’s the right one.”
Many times it isn’t that he doesn’t have an intuitive sense about her. He does. It’s just that he doesn’t like what his intuition is telling him. Sometimes it is because “What will the guys think?” or “Can’t I do better?” These “needs” are ideas he adopted from the outside world’s understanding of marriage.
But all of these blockages can be bypassed if a person focuses on the viewpoint that HASHEM created this world and runs it. HASHEM has chosen for me the perfect life’s partner, and HASHEM wants me to find that person. That person might not fit my very detailed, preconceived idea of what it is that I think I need, or what it is that I want, but that person is the one that’s best for me.
When a person trusts in HASHEM and uses the tools given to him, HASHEM helps him succeed in finding the one predestined for him - his Bashert.
Rabbi Shafier, the director of Tiferes Bnei Torah, says “The Shmuz”, a motivating, inspirational mussar Shmuz, addressing many of today’s issues.
This piece was adopted from Shmuz # 10 – Finding and Keeping Your Bashert. All of the Shmuzin are available to download or podcast for FREE at The Shmuz
39 responses so far ↓
1 Abandoning eden // Feb 18, 2008 at 11:54 pm
yeah re: people not marrying people like themselves. This sociologist Robert Winch came up with that idea in the 1950s; he wrote a book on it called “mate selection”. Basically his idea was that couples that eventually get married are couples that “complement” each other in terms of personality; that for one person fulfilling their needs actually fulfills the needs of the other person and visa versa. So you end up with couples where one is very dominant/one is less dominant, or where one is very decisive and likes to get their way, and the other is indecisive and likes other people to make the decisions for them.
Later Gary Becker, the economist (who won a nobel prize for his work on the family) applied that to gender roles; that couples in which one is a housewife and the other is a breadwinner are more cohesive then one where they both do the same thing. Research hasn’t really born out that theory (partially because couples in which both partners work have more money, and money stresses are a big source of divorce), but the personality robert winch thing has been confirmed by many subsequent studies.
/sociology geekdom
2 heshman // Feb 19, 2008 at 12:11 am
Geekdom confirmed, good job, and I can say as a geek I am intrigued.
3 abandoning eden // Feb 19, 2008 at 12:39 am
lol, well i’m a very specific kind of geek; i’m a sociology grad student who specializes in the family. And I’ve done some research on complementarity. And also last week in the soc of the family class I’m teaching we did the unit on dating, so this stuff is all fresh in my mind
4 heshman // Feb 19, 2008 at 12:53 am
I should have known, you can usually tell whatever a student is studying based on their arguments or talking about certain things.
Hey eden, would you like to exchange blogroll links- you throw mine up I throw your up.
5 Jack // Feb 19, 2008 at 1:40 am
You are looking for the person who was chosen for you.
It is a nice thought but I am not convinced that this is something that exists in reality. Especially when I read lines like:
Does it sort of seem to click? If it does, then she passes. That is the sign that she is the one destined for me.
This is so nondescript as to make it possible to say anyone is your bashert. There are a lot of people you can sit down and have a good time with.
6 therapydoc // Feb 19, 2008 at 3:31 am
Fantastic. And I don’t say fantastic lightly. In fact, I rarely say it when it comes to these things. But it is.
7 Batya // Feb 19, 2008 at 6:06 am
My md and her h were considered old by Israeli standards when they married. Lots and lots of people knew them both and never thought of fixing them up.
8 Mindy // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:26 am
Not gonna comment on the article itself, just gonna say that this article was also published in last week Jewish Press’s simcha magazine, and that after hearing one of the Shmuz’s lectures, I have great respect for him and plan on downloading his podcasts as soon as I get my life in order.
9 heshman // Feb 19, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I know where it was published, he told me to publish it to attract more people to his site. His lectures rock by the way, a great way to be productive while driving or things like that. I’ve got all of them.
10 abandoning eden // Feb 19, 2008 at 1:35 pm
already done
11 hating // Feb 19, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Rabbi Barry Shaifer is an idiot and a faker, i know his background and the man is a fraud and only interested in fame.
12 heshman // Feb 19, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Yes and those words are your personal opinions- but obviously not of the masses. Furthermore based on your usage of the word “i” rather then the word “I” I would say that you are probably one of those who didn’t appreciate the Thursday afternoon shmuzem he gave while in Rochester
But needless to say- if he is in it for the fame- what harm is that, if he spreads torah and helps people use their time more productively you cannot possibly say that is bad. Faker??? How so my friend?
13 yaakovmerm // Feb 20, 2008 at 1:42 am
well said heshman
14 chnyock // Feb 20, 2008 at 2:35 am
please join me in redding a shidduch for scottie of failed messiah to the woman from the recent ynet article about marriage.
lol
15 utubefan // Feb 20, 2008 at 4:46 am
Barry isn’t a faker. I know that. That goes back quite a few years. But I do find his explanation of Bashert way too simplistic. I’m more of a Y.U. fan, but if he inspires you and others as I see happening, then great. On Bashert, I subscribe to the following: Each of us has more than one Bashert depending on where one is at that time in life and in one’s personal development. That is why one person can have more than one fulfilling marriage in one lifetime. That is why if “the one” gets away, there will be another one. And you don’t have to demonize or delegitimize the first “one” in order to appreciate the second. Someone once explained it as a spiral (a guy I used to date and didn’t marry). You are going up the spiral and are on your track, but you will not be the same person on the the different rungs. Your different Basherts will fit at different places on the spiral. And some people just don’t go on your track at all. Anyway, Meshalim aside, Bashert is tricky. Best to just choose wisely and try to make the best of whatever your reality is.
16 Anonymous // Feb 20, 2008 at 10:46 am
the rosh yeshiva strikes again. what about his statements is not lasho hara?
17 heshman // Feb 20, 2008 at 12:16 pm
utube: I like your explanation better as well- it makes me feel a bit better when I go to bed at night. I don’t like explanations of anything that lock you in to something. I love learning Tanya- but one thing I cannot come to grips with is the born into a beinoni/rasha/tzadik- concept- its too grim and appears to be almost like being born a sinner.
18 ConservativeSciFi // Feb 20, 2008 at 6:47 pm
As an old (fat) married man (never frum) for nearly two decades , I don’t fully agree with the main post. Having married relatively young (but after college), I think my wife and I were less set in our ways. We have been able to accumulate our eccentricities together. While my wife and I are well matched, I strongly suspect that several other girls would have suited me nearly as well, and I am sure that some other young men would have suited my wife as well or better.
I also observe that as singles get older, they get more “unique” and usually pickier. Those “special” aspects of their personality or behaviour are not bad, wrong or even necessarily unattractive, but they make it harder to find someone who will fit an ever increasing list of requirements.
My solution. Build a time machine and convince your earlier self to get married in your early 20s to a desirable mate.
Second solution. Decide what you really want from a relationship and drop the rest of the requirement list. He/She won’t be perfect, so decide which imperfections you can tolerate and which you can’t.
19 Anonymous // Feb 20, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Heh Heh - I wonder what Yechiel Zlotnick has to say….since he just quit in Rabbi Shafier 2 weeks ago or so!
20 heshman // Feb 20, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Amen Conservative Scifi- I believe that marriage is sleeping with and waking up next to your best friend for 2 weeks per month. Yeh there are rough times and crap times- but in the end- you actually enjoy that person the most.
“Marriage is sleeping with your best friend”
21 hating 2 // Feb 21, 2008 at 2:00 am
he was my rebbe in yeshiva for a year. the man does not really care about torah otherwise he would have pissed off enough people in my class to make them hate judaism on many levels…. piece of crap straight up….as to whether anyone else can see through his well placed facade is another question… try spending some time with him..
22 Mindy // Feb 21, 2008 at 4:01 am
I agree with utube fan’s explanation of bashert, and see it very clearly.
Tanya says that a person is preborn into rasha/tsaddik status??? That concept is SO anti-Torah and EXTREMELY Christian!!!
23 jkl; // Feb 21, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Hater- I DON’T THINK YOU KNOW HIM WELL!!!!!!!! MOST PEOPLE LIKE HIM- SO CALM DOWN!
24 Camilla Z // Feb 21, 2008 at 7:11 pm
I think everyone over 35 years old that is still single should be forced to marry other singles over 35 years old. No being picky! That will solve the problem!
25 Heshman // Feb 21, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Mindy: Well I may have understood it wrong but my roommate and I used to have a Tanya seder and thats how we learnt it. Maybe someone can confirm or set the record straight on that- yes very Christian indeed.
JKL: lots of folks that went to Rochester had a bad exp- it may have to do with the fact many of them were rejects- and already were not in good places when they went.
Camilla: I hope your joking, you are joking right. Just because someone is 35 and single doesn’t mean they are picky- it means they are 35 and single. Not all 35 year olds felt like getting married at 18, I know I didn’t- I still don’t know if I want to, I take it one day at a time. My old man married at 41- had some fun took his time.
I would advocate for everyone to be picky, I would rather be single then divorced with three kids- wouldn’t you. I just don’t want to end up a statistic, and being picky and being realistic are not the same.
26 hating 3 // Feb 25, 2008 at 8:50 pm
heshman would my comment be delted if i told you when you said “lots of folks that went to Rochester had a bad exp- it may have to do with the fact many of them were rejects- and already were not in good places when they went.” TO GO FUCK YOURSELF as to the fact that you should not insult and generalize a yeshiva like rochester, even though you might know things about it. Meaning that there were a lot of good ppl there and secondly he was not a rebbe there when he had a negative impact on people. douche bag.
27 Hesh // Feb 25, 2008 at 9:30 pm
I was in Rochester from 1996-00, second of all I went to University there- so you can Go F yourself.
Anyway I am in contact personally with hundreds of folks that went to Rochester and while most of them hated it with a passion- most of them have very good things to say about the Rabbi you disdain.
28 Camilla Z // Feb 26, 2008 at 9:41 am
Of course I was kidding. My parents got married when they were both 18. Far too young.
29 hating you and barry the bitch // Feb 26, 2008 at 9:14 pm
i have a great idea how about you make a list of whaqt you think his positive qualities are and i will list all the things i think are negative about him… or we just agree to disagree..
30 hated it with a passion?!?! // Feb 27, 2008 at 6:48 am
I went to rochester for close to a decade, many years ago….and saw all the freaks.
the only ones that “hated it with a passion” where the guys who had some serious issues then…and probably still have issues now.
99 percent of the guys who stuck thru it came out as amazing guys…you agree heshy?
also-barry has some issues.
31 heshman // Feb 27, 2008 at 7:59 am
Mostly, it happens to be that most of the guys who hated it so much were guys that got in trouble a lot- the guys I know who were good kids didn’t hate it so much- they hated specific people- especially the dorm counselors. I do know of a couple guys who will not go within a 100 mile radius who were good guys.
I liked it but thats just because my attitude on life is much diff then most of those guys.
32 utubefan // Feb 27, 2008 at 8:33 am
My problem with the Rochester guys–and I dated pretty much the entire Yeshiva a few moons ago–was that they were normal but were convinced that they should be better. I wanted them as they were with their respect for Torah and smoking trips to 7-11. I thought the guys were nicer and more out of towny–because they were usually not New Yorkers–than the average Yeshiva guy. I just wanted my Chofetz Chaim guys to embrace their inner MO selves and let the guilt go. Now, on a different note, I have to read your outdoors blog, Hesh, but I keep feeling that you need to RV it to your biking trips. You may have done this already, but if not–there are so many RV/tent camping options. Also, have you done the 4 corners yet? The Continental U.S. has 4 labeled corners in Key West, Quoddy State Park, Maine, Washington State, and CA/Mexico border. The marker for the Southeastern most point is a buoy floating in the water off Key West. The hikes that get you there are nice–not CA due to border guards and stuff. We decided that Maine was particularly beautiful. Anyway, just rambling, do not feel like going to work.
33 heshman // Feb 27, 2008 at 10:15 am
I love the four corners and coincidentally I just finished an Edward Abbey Biography- if you don’t know who he is- any self respecting outdoor lover should- I highly recommend him.
RV’s are too classy- I prefer sleeping on the ground out in the woods, when I road trip I like to say that the only money I spend to sleep are donations to the chabad houses I spend shabbos at. I never sleep in hotels- unless its below zero- even the cheapies in the southwest that are like 20 bucks a night.
Now after reading your comment slower I realized you are not talking about the real 4 corners- 4 corners is the point where Colorado/NM/AZ/and Utah come to a point together.
Even better then Wash state I have driven to Alaska- but yes I have been to 2 of the four corners. Key west is on my list- although I hate Florida- so have no clue when I will go.
34 utubefan // Feb 27, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I know you meant the other 4 corners. Only my hubbie has done that. I know you think the RV thing is Jappy–I get that–but it connects you to the road , eliminates flying costs and if you are unencumbered (i.e. not tied to kids and their schedules) you can do these cheap deals where you are taking one on a one way drop off. THe new trend in RV’s is to reach out to the young, active travelers who need ATV ramps and stuff. Maybe not your thing. The Chabad thing is great and my husband convinced me years ago to continue to grow from stopping off with them. They are great with regard to the old RV hook up over Shabbos. And the Ahavas Yisrael thing. Key West has or had a great Chabad house and has a huge community of Sephardic Israelis who eat communally on Friday nights. Beautiful singing. OK. Back to work. I will check out the author. My husband read a great road book with father/son themes which he always hooks into. You know, father/son don’t get along, father/son hit the road…nature…bonding…
35 hated it with a passion?!?! // Feb 28, 2008 at 8:37 am
Heshy: yeah - I know a few of the good guys who won’t go within 100 mile radius of Rochester as well……but thats because they had an issue or 2 wiith the yeshiva, which is understandable…..but overall they loved it and loved all the guys.
PS - barry has some issues
36 Sarah Zeldman // Feb 29, 2008 at 7:03 am
I’m shocked at the awful comments you allow here about Rabbi Shafer. I only know him as an aquaintence from Rochester but Heshy, that kind of talk about ANYONE should not be allowed here. It’s Loshen Hora. It’s disgusting. I suggest you delete them.
And, for the record, I do not believe a person has to be PERFECT in his past to be able to help people in the present! So even if he “has issues” or if someone one knows something about “his background” who cares? And how would this self-proclaimed “hater” know what is in his heart anyway? (i.e. he really doesn’t care about people…he just wants fame) Sounds like a man with an axe to grind…
Anyway, good article, but I agree with the readers that the date “just feeling right” is not helpful enough…
Get rid of the Loshen Hora. It degrades you, Rabbi Shaffer and this blog. The “hater” is a least cowardly enough to hide behind that name…
37 s(b.) // Feb 29, 2008 at 3:54 pm
“I never sleep in hotels- unless its below zero”
Do you shower in lakes or at truck stops, or are you waiting to meet someone who appreciates the scent of a man who doesn’t bathe? :laughing at the thought of chulent-scented deodorant:
38 w // Jun 18, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I think you missed the point of the shmuz. The main point of it was that we should have bitachon that hashem yisborach will lead us to our basherts as per the famous gm’ in sotah that he cites. The point is even though it doesn’t sound practical, we should have bitachon and then things will turn out ok.
39 batya // Oct 20, 2008 at 3:14 pm
http://www.jewfind.com/
Totally and always FREE for all Jewish singles.
Please help us grow and let us find our besherts. Tell your friends.
Thanks and Chag Sameach!
Leave a Comment