Abandoning Eden, I just read your blog for the first time too. I think it’s interesting how B goes to festivals now too. I’m curious to see whether that changes your dynamic.

I’m definitely an advocate of significant others having similar interests. Granted, my last relationship ended basically because I was in denial about us not being identical.

It’s not about being identical though, it’s about being compatible. I believe that people’s interests, hobbies, thought processes give a lot of insight into the way they operate. Of course being similar doesn’t automatically mean two people will end up together. But being different often seems to create incompatibility.

I look at couples whose interests and modes of operation differ, “but things just work out anyway,” and compare them to couples who are fairly similar and very close. I just don’t see as deep a connection in the first kind of couple as the second. And I think things don’t “just work out” unless those people thrive on a lot of tension. That’s not me. I definitely look for the deep connection in relationships.

As far as shidduch dates go, that’s not my area of expertise. I should really start a blog of my own. Maybe I will.

My ex-fiance and I broke up becuase I expected to go to grad school, and then go off to the middle of nowhere somewhere to be a professor (the academic job market is like that- to get a professor job you have to be willing to live pretty much anywhere), and he wanted to stay in the same place near his family and friends. We actually broke up the day after I started sending out applications to grad school.

With my bf now, we have less in common in terms of out-of-home activites (like my ex used to go to music festivals and shows with me), but we both know that I’m going to be going off and doing my thing for probably a night every weekend or every other weekend, and in the summer i’ll be camping at festivals for weekends, and he is ok with that, and likes his time alone. other guys I have dated have thought it was weird, or insisted on coming along with me (which is ok with me, except that I think they did so out of insecurity rather than actual enjoyment of the music).

My bf knows that I’m moving out of the area to wherever in a few years when I finish my PhD, and we’ve talked several times about it, and he is planning on coming with me. He isnt like me at all in terms of careers either- I have an MA and will soon have a PhD, am very focused on my career, etc., while he has a BA, works part time as a tutor to pay the bills and writes (essays and fiction) the rest of the time. But that is totally compatible with my lifestyle, cause I know he can follow me in a few years, since he doesn’t have some super amazing career holding him in one place. And he eventually wants to be a stay at home dad when we have kids- which is awesome for me, cause I totally am not the type to stay at home and raise kids all day (i would go insane), but I think parent care is the ideal in terms of child care.

So yeah, we are pretty different in terms of activites, careers, education etc, but our lifestyles and expectations and future goals complement each other.

We are similar on other things however…like we both love to have long debates on various topics (especially politics and sociology) and we both have similar political views, we both like watching cooking and nature TV shows and CNN and we both love cats (we have 3), we’re both atheists, we’re both pretty intellegent, etc.

I like the idea of mixing it up a bit and not having one person for everything- it seems like your partner should be different and not be exactly like you- with that said every girl I have gone out with that was exactly like me- it never worked out.

But I really like it better that way. I go off to shows and festivals and hang out with my friends there. If he was there I would probably not enjoy it as much, because the thing I love most about festivals is being able to go off on random adventures with different groups of people, and running into old friends and catching up. And I wouldn’t be able to do that (as much) if he was there, cause I’d have to hang out with him the whole time.

It might not work for everyone (and most people I know in the music scene are dating/married to other people in the music scene), but it works for us. I get to hang out with my friends without worrying about how much he’s enjoying himself, and he gets to stay home and play video games all weekend, which he can’t really do when I’m around. We also get a little break from each other, which is nice when you are together every single day (we quasi-live together, even though for the next couple of months we still pay rent on 2 different apartments).

Maybe it’s cause I was previously engaged to a guy who WAS my whole world for 4 years (which means my world basically collapsed when we broke up), or maybe it was the 4 years of being single after that, when I started to love going off on random adventures by myself, but I agree with s(b); that your spouse/partner can’t be your entire world. We both have our own interests, and we have some of our own friends (although we have a lot of overlap in other interests and friends), and of course we each have our own careers, and we like it that way. Then again, we’re not married, so maybe something magically happens when you get married that will change our relationship.

But whats funny is that it will. I mean this is what makes me tick- as music is what makes you tick. The vast majority of ppl are not passionate about anything so its hard for them to relate I think.

Rach: It goes both ways, I know ppl who have been married 25 years and lived together beforehand and I know plenty of frum regular kids who are 23 and divorced- the frum model for marriage has not been proven by any means. And although Nida sounds like a great invention I plan on having a wife that keeps it- it is not nec all honky dorry on the marriage front.