Wolf recently had a short blurb that emphasized the news story title “frum car gets car jacked, woman injured” which was talking about some carjacking that took place in London. Then it hit me, cell phones, paper towels and clothing have hechsherim on them and the trend in the frum community to place all trust in the tyrannical practice of deeming everything “kosher” is only getting stronger, or maybe people are just willing to go along with crazy chumros due to their good deals on section-8 housing and easily accessible day schools. Why not make an actual car that is certified kosher, a “frum” car for the “frum” person. Not only can they help you achieve your goals in becoming frummer then everyone else, but they can make money in the process and control your life even more.
I can just see it now, it will be like kosher net, the GPS included in the car will be tracked by a bunch of white bearded fellows from the vaad hatznius sitting in an underground bunker in some undisclosed location in Lakewood or Monsey. Monitors will show the car through a hidden camera in the GPS meant to make sure that all occupants of the car are dressed tzniusly and that the stuff they bring into the car is kosher. A scanning device will make sure each product is of recommended hechsherim by scanning the barcodes as items are brought into the car. For instance if someone brings Motts Applesauce into the car, the GPS will lock the wheels and prevent you from moving until the issue is solved- a yiddish sounding voice will emanate from the GPS warning the driver that treif- in this case Motts which bears a triangle-K would have to be removed from the car in order to move.
The GPS can also track where you are going and certain establishments deemed treif by the vaad hatznius will be removed from the system, annoying sounds will come from your GPS- which is permanantly attatched to the car, if you were to appear to be going anywhere inappropriate- like a mall, movie theater or grocery store which does not sell only cholov yisroel products.
Sirens, like those that are rung in frum towns warning of mincha, the start of shabbos and other frum events- will come from the car when any z’an comes up. Krias shema, mincha and candle lighting times will all be warned to you by way of loud peircing siren which causes you to either get into an accident or pull over and do the task at hand.
The CD player and jack will only accept frum music, even Jewish music will be destroyed if it is not deemed “frum”. All Matisyahu, Blue Fringe, Moshav Band and Yeedle, will be removed from your Ipod and CD’s will be deposited onto the roadway as shredded pieces of metal. Your radio will have stations- but only kosher programming will be allowed through, programs like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage are allowed, while any left wing propoghanda will sound like static as well as any news or traffic report given by a woman.
Cup holders will feature milchig and fleishig sides, and every time you go in for a car wash the cup holders will be kashered to prevent any spec of treif. You cannot just pick any car wash- it must be kosher- since the soap they use must have a hechsher and the place must be closed on shabbos, and will not allow women to enter, since the wind from the hot air blowers is likely to blow their sheitles off.
Women are allowed to drive the car, because, according to one of the GPS monitors, we are not trying to be like Saudi Arabia or even Kiryas Joel- we are liberal and want to make sure the laws of tznius and kasharus are kept in the car- which should have always been under the watchful eyes of the chumra patrol. However when under further examination, we found on line 248 of the contract that women would only be allowed to drive after a signed afidavit was completed by the husband, single women cannot drive under the laws of the chumra patrol because it is untznius.
Options include:
Stocking seamstress
Vegetable checker with optional bug washer
Tzitzis maker
Tefilin and mezuza checker
Tznius alerts on very hot days(kind of like ozone alerts for frummies)
Car mezuza
Automatically tinting windows when passing near untznius areas
Toiviling mikvah (installed on roof to collect rain water)
Set of shas loaded onto your GPS
Maps of all restaurants approved by the vaad hatznius(either they have separate seating, or only take out- to prevent mixing of the sexes)
Although Henry Ford is one of the most notorious American Anti-Semites the makers of the Frum Car have decided to go with his philosophy of making only one color, and that is black of course. In keeping with the latest in chumra trends, no red, denim or parts of from Zionism supporters will be used.
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Delightful! You’ve been beaten to the punch, though, about the car mezuza. Someone brought us one from Israel for Chanuka. It came packed with Tefilas HaDerech and also with a warning that any car under the mezuza’s protection may not be driven on Shabbos and Yom Tov.
shkoach. well done!
the honda odyssey has 3′ michitza from driver to passenger . very unsexy.
you forgot to mention that women can’t wear seat belts with shoulder harnesses because it totally accentuates their tits. let’m fly thru the windsheild instead
Yeshivishe Automobilnumen
Hyuntiv
Shonda
VW Yenta
Altsmobil
Nissen
Ford Toirus
Circle K-Car
Ford Pintele
Volvel
Torah VeDatsun
Chaidillac
but never a Chrysler, yemach shemoi
Wow! why stop there, maybe some rabbis should buy a satellite then they can see anywhere in the world with great detail.
Perhaps if everyone had a mirs cellphone (kosher phone) they can disrupt the airwave to announce to reb Moishele heading for ……a bad place, “please step away from that place!”
Hilarious!!!! laughing out loud! and how
Anonymoish- thank you for that creative list- rock on!!!
Oy’ I’m an out-of-towner. I’ve been slow on paying my subscription fees to “Chumra Weekly”. Just about a month ago the magazines stopped arriving at my doorstep. Thank you for that badly needed update. It truly juiced up my connection to … I’m not sure what?
sukkah car:
http://www.jewishworldreview.com/1000/sukkah.car.asp
If all your kids are married….what me worry!
I assumed the Honda Odyssey IS a frum car. It’s just about the only car you see in B.P….that, and the Toyota Sienna…
(Meyseh she-hayah )Once upon a time I got a ride to Monsey in a FRUM car (old school station wagon). In the front sat 2 chader rebbes (sp?) listening to a Yiddish torah tape; in the middle sat a bachur and his hat ; in the back, there I sat, ready to vomit on all the luggage; sitting backwards did not agree with me (not to mention the driving). Oh, and I was 10 years old and paid the rebbe for the ride. Can you picture it!?! I can laugh about it now.
Yo the old school Caprice station wagons are da bomb. They must be blue and have brown wood panneling.
Oh I can totally picture it.
What will they think of next? Maybe separate roads, just in case you stop at a light and see the opposite sex in the car next to you!
B’H
Not all humroth are silly or a money-making scam or power plays or whatever. (And, no, you never said that they were.)
For examples:
“Mehadrin” Cell phones can prevent access to porn
Kosher paper towels (perhaps more relevant in Israel, not sure) can guarantee that material from genizas was not recycled, and that Jews did not make the product on Shabbath.
Clothing – Indicating shatnez-free, and also shmirath Shabbath.
BTW, help find me a job in Israel:
http://www.geocities.com/benyehudah5766
Separate roads I am all for it.
Kosher paper towels are a farse.
Also, if the floor of your car isn’t foot deep in crumbs, someone from the chumra patrol will confiscate your car for a week. In that time, they will drive around with their kids filling up all the available seats (and perhaps the younger kids on the older kids laps). Each child will be equipped with at least one medium sized bag of a heimish crumb producing snack.
The car comes in different colors depending on who will be driving it:
Black – Man with wife
Grey – Single bochur (if he needs a car for that matter)
White – Tzaddikim only
Chrysler!! thats awesome
Ok this post had some awesome comments, thank you guys and gals.
FYI, in Queens, there are meat market/groceries where every grocery product is approved by the Vaad Harabbonim of Queens. In these stores, one can find Mott’s Apple Sauce. Apparently, it’s Kosher despite its Triangle K.
Triangle K is known to be lax in its supervision of Oils and many products without oils bearing a triangle K are deemed as kosher by major kasharus authorities