So you think you could be a Lubavitcher

I have not had internet access all weekend until now, posts this week will be more regular.

Being a Lubavitcher takes skill, but the rewards are immense. It may be for the glory and that’s great, but anyone knows that the real reasons to become a Lubavitcher or to infiltrate the clan are to gain a free place to stay wherever you go, lots of alcohol, and a chance to claim one of the beautiful Lubavitch girls as your trophy wife.

Untucking your shirt, crushing your hat and wearing a gartel may seem like easy feats, but growing a scraggly beard without peyos, dragging your feet when you walk and wearing your black and white talis as if it were a white only talis are all external things which will get you into the clan, but if you really want to get inside, away from all the hubbub of sheliachs and 770 you need to know a few things.

First things first, you should probably know what Chabad stands for and what their philosophies are. After that you should probably pick up a set of Tanya and memorize some key lines that you could repeat over and over again to sound like you know something. Do you know the difference between a sicha and a maimer? Hell if I know, but I do know that if you know a few by heart, they get you brownie points with the ladies. Lubavitch girls will always say the way into their hearts or skirts is knowing some random sichas or Baal Shem Tov Stories that start off “and the Besht was walking in a forest in Russia…”

One of the most important things to practice is making a dvar torah out of anything. The best way to do this and Lubbies have mastered this art, especially at random bar mitzvahs, is to find crazy gematrias that no one knew existed. Its very easy in some crowds because folks rarely ever check the gemtria to see if its really there. So you c`an make stuff up.

Can you name any Lubavitch Rebbes besides the current one- and the Alter Rebbe? Well you better because if someone mentions the Tzemach Tzedek and you think it’s a settlement in Israel your in trouble. Knowing yertziets, dates of imprisonment (since they tend to fabrengin on these days) and dates of release (another excuse for a fabrengin) will be very important for your advance up the latter at Lubavitch and Co. Want to be extra cool, carry around an emergency fabrengin kit, featuring Smirnoff, kichel and a chitas- you better have multiple chitas’s lying around your house and car.

You should also have some personal Rebbe stories, even if you weren’t around when he was alive, make some up. Like that time you went into yechidus with him and he knew everything about you- just like those late at night psychic commercials- and about the time you got a ten dollar bill instead of the traditional one dollar. Rebbe videos and tapes should be scattered around your car and home.

How many Rebbe pictures you have and where they are located is dependant on what political party you belong to. Are you Yechi, Anti Yechi or are you Semi Yechi. Here is a guide to all the different political parties in the Lubavitch movement, it is kind of like a parliamentary system and sometimes different groups side together to gain a majority.

Meshichist (Yechi):

This means that you not only believe that the Rebbe is the Messiah, but he is in fact still alive and hanging out at 770. These folks tend to be BT, so right there you are at an advantage if you tote this party line. They also tend to shout a lot, so if you were a metal head which I am sure many of them were, you can shot the Yechi line all day long at the top of your lungs. As a proud yechi you must deny that there was a funereal for the Rebbe and always make sure to say the Rebbe “says or is” not “said or was”, also all publications you produce must have yechi in them under the picture and wearing the yechi yarmulke won’t hurt either. You also should have his picture everywhere, I mean your house should look like a 16 year old girls bedroom in the heyday of boy bands. I have even seen some folks put a picture of him with the yechi line into the babies crib.

Anti Meshichist:

You should not even daven in the actual 770 and instead should proceed upstairs to the Rebbes study where all the anti folks crowd in like a package of seasons sardines. One Rebbe picture in the house is a enough and you should spit in disgust at your heretical opponents. Saying zt”l after the Rebbes name will surely piss some people off, but honoring great Rabbis who passed is important to you.

Semi Yechi:

You think he’s dead but he will rise. He’s coming back basically and this line is hard to tow yet a good nuetrilizer, since you can act feindly around both parties. Its kind of like being a Ross Perot Lubavitcher.

You must have or make up at least one kiruv success story that you have to your name. It could even be from your days as a heretic, ahem I mean normal modern orthodox guy- before you spotted the sheliach on your college campus’s daughter and vowed that you would grow your beard to full lengths to have a shot at Chaya Mushka, long name amazing results.

Make sure you can play Jewish Geography, easy because they are all inbred and everyone knows each other. But another interesting thing you could do, is try and befriend those who are not involved in putting tefilin on folks in busy traffic circles. Try and make friends with the non-emissaries and se what happens, you may be surprised at the ins that these people have.

Know all the deals on Shmais.com, actually you should know basic Lubavitcher stuff like shmais, hot lists and living torah. How about the Jewish childrens museum, know about it- you are trying to infiltrate someone who wants to suck you in and turn you into one of them for real, so you might as well bypass the system.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • NotLube

    Agreed, Lube girls HOT

    • Anonymous

      True and Chabbad is such a joke

  • pissed off

    Ok it was cute the first time, funny the second time, the third time you get a spanking. As a lubavitch girl, I take offense in the fact that you think were just trophy wives. And what is so much hotter about us than say, your average stern girl? Im still single, but if some guy just wanted to marry me for my looks, I would tell him to get lost! Were intelligent human beings who arent going to fall in love with you because you know a little tanya and a baal shem tov story! You need to get a life and get married!

    • Thou Shalt Not Think

      Chabbad and intelligent does not mix.

  • pissed

    Im assuming you just had some close contact with a lubavitch girl on one of your travels-tell us about it. It will be therapeutic.

  • NotLube

    I just read an really good book on there girls. Honestly, Anyone interested in knowing a litte bit about these beautiful smart girls read it.

  • NotLube

    I just read an really good book on these girls, it is titled “mystics mavericks and merrymakers.” Honestly, Anyone interested in knowing a litte bit about these beautiful smart girls read it.

  • http://badforshidduchim.wordpress.com bad4shidduchim

    Oh gosh – love the description with the scraggly beard and crushed hat. It’s incredible how they all get that identical look and wear it like a uniform.

  • http://www.notablankpage.blogspot.com/ NotaBlankPage
  • pissed lubavitcher

    u got it so wrong! the first time u wrote about us i laughed, now… u went too far!!! i can tell by ur article that u have no idea what are u talking about and are missing THE point. shame.

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  • Anonymous

    I went to the local Chabad one shabbos and as I was leaving I thanked one of the random Rabbis and he told me not to thank him but the Rebbe in a letter. It was really weird.

  • http://LakewoodShmuck.blogspot.com lakewoodshmuck

    happy yud tes kislev.

    don’t forget that the alter rebbe was the youngest AND greatest talmid of the maggid . . .

    btw why was the rebbe shlita the only lubavitcher rebbe not to sit in jail?

  • Shlomo

    The Rebbe did sit in jail for a few hours in Berlin. It was purim night and the Rebbe was a bit joyous ans was arrested in the street for spreading Judaism. In fact Rav Solevatchick (spelling) was called to bail him out. They spent the rest of the night farbrangin and drinking coffee.

  • http://lakewoodshmuck.blogspot.com Shlomo

    coffee by a farbechin!? never. mamesh heresy

  • http://www.alfassa.com/blog/ Alfassa

    I love the part about not going into 770, classic – but true. In 770 they bow to his empty chair, etc. Been there, seen it. Don’t like it.

  • commonsensejew

    some people hate lubabs for reasons like their power mongering (read: senator ass kissing) and
    weird religous beliefs. I personally love lubabs for the same reasons hesh does, and also because I think that their emphasis on kiruv makes them (in general) much friendlier and more accepting than the average jew.

  • http://www.770EasternParkway.com Ed

    Yeah, first one was better but not a bad stab this time…

  • http://lakewoodshmuck.blogspot.com Lakewoodshmuck

    shulom ubracha.
    Lchvaid hatomim hesh shlita
    you mamesh inspired me with this fine post. enough so to write a post of my own about chabad.

  • want to be

    The things I couldnt get used to:

    Saying the whole tehimim Every Shabbos mavorachim,

    Going extra crazy on Pesach and only using chicken fat insted of oil.

    I have an erge to go down to my local mall and see if there are any empty stores I could rent out to use as a “mitzvah factory” or a “Chanukah wonderland

  • Hesh

    I have no comments at this time. Sorry to offend, but like all arts, some will always get offended.

  • Anonymous

    “Sorry to offend, but like all arts, some will always get offended.”

    An art? Why even be frum? I don’t know, I just kind of expected people who live religiously to treat women with more dignity than secular society does. C’mon, trophy wives, getting into skirts?

    Can’t you be more creative instead of relying on sleaze to get you by?

  • pissed again

    Its an art to talk about your physical attraction to women? Sorry, I dont think youre the only guy out there who had male hormones which prompt him to focus on the physical aspect of women all the time.

  • http://www.frumsatire.net heshman

    So are you saying that all the art throughout history that has focused on the beauty of the human body should not be classified as art???

    There were many great literary artists that focused on the physical attraction of women throughout history.

    Furthermore its not just me that thinks Lubavitcher women are the hottest within the frum community. There are hundreds of other folks that are readily willing to agree. Just look at some of the other Luabvitcher posts on this blog.

  • pissed

    Allright lets just hope you never pass through my fathers chabad house. I would be paranoid the whole time that you would try to impress me with your knowledge of chassidus in order to “get into my skirt” as you so artistically put it.

  • anonymous

    “So are you saying that all the art throughout history that has focused on the beauty of
    the human body should not be classified as art???”

    Yes, art is relative, I’ll give you that.

    But, few people I know would consider writing sleazy comments about Lubavitch women art.

    Hesh, I like your blog, I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass. Sure, Lubavitch women are beautiful. But I happen to think that frum men should be held to a higher standard than secular men. It is trashy to talk about chasing skirts and trophy wives.
    I know you are a creative and funny dude, why stoop so low?
    If frum women wanted to be trophy wives, we probably wouldn’t waste all of this effort and occasional tzores that come with tznius.

  • pissed

    thank you anonymous! You have restored my faith in humanity (and frum men).

  • mm schneerson aka melech hamashiach

    I am alive and well and think your blog is hilarious!!!!!!!

    • Schneerson is Jesus

      lmao agreed.

  • mm schneerson aka melech hamashiach

    pissed,
    you seem lost and angry,it is indisputable that lubavitch females are “farm” raised as a commodity for men. you will never have any input on society policy, and the minutia of halacha pertaining to married women garauntee you can have no global impact. no amount of blogging and complaining can change this. don’t be insulted,just accept your role or search for new meaning.

  • The same anonymous from above

    To mm schneerson aka melech hamashiach (the second one) (obm :) )
    who said:
    “you seem lost and angry,it is indisputable that lubavitch females are “farm” raised as a commodity for men. you will never have any input on society policy, and the minutia of halacha pertaining to married women garauntee you can have no global impact. no amount of blogging and complaining can change this. don’t be insulted,just accept your role or search for new meaning.”

    Now this is getting interesting. What is the evidence in support of your position? What are the minutaie of halacha pertaining to this? Would you make the argument that ALL frum women are “farm raised” as a commodity for men or are you just talking about Lubavitch?
    I’d like to read your opinion on this so I can bother a shliach and my Lubby friends about it. As a sidenote, most of the Lubavitch families with whom I am acquainted have a strong female balaboste who runs the financial matters, makes the major family decisions, and “wears the pants” (figuratively speaking of course.)
    Most of the families I know of are BTs though, maybe that’s the difference?

    To still pissed: sorry, but I can’t restore your faith in frum men—I’m a lady. Maybe someone else here can though.

  • Josh

    I am going to have to agree with most of the commenters above, except for the undoubted fact of Luabbie hotness, they also have seem to have a strong business sense and intellectual capacity- I think Hesh only wanted to add to the list their physical attractiveness.

    On the other hand, one can definitely write a arty piece describing the physical beauty of a woman. Why are you people mad at someone for merely telling it like it is.

  • mmschneerson

    anon,
    given a lakewood environment where the men have their job to learn all day, and the women do everything else, it appears to be some form of separate but equal . in lubi land, with worldwide shlichus, constant social upheveal, and political maneavering, from my point of view women have to watch these fun events from the sidelines. and support any decision their father’s or husband makes

    regarding, “women wearing pants” families, if you dig deeper you might find the rebbitzin doing the legwork, but major capital investments are only done with the rav’s approval.

    the part about halacha, and protocol pertaining to women does not require further explaination

    my point is don’t encorage “pissed” to try a womens lub lib movement, it is a dead end.
    “pissed off”,
    may you find true happiness and self peace, whatever road you take.

  • commonsensejew

    Flame On!

  • http://www.xanga.com/mazeartist mazeartist

    You didn’t mention the Rabbeinu Tam tefilin- a sure sign of Chabad membership. When I’m in Crown Heights, I also prefer to daven in the original 770, rather than the messianic downstairs.

    Another sign is having a wedding at Oholei Torah, it may be cheap but a sure sign of supporting a Jewish school, and avoiding transportation costs, since mosts of your guests live in Brooklyn, too.

    The band members are comprised of your shaliach’s nephews- they have no official band name, agent, or insurance, but they rock!

  • http://thechabadist.blogspot.com the chabadist

    a side note on the whole arguments going on in here;
    lubavitch is much too big to be divided in three.
    there is modern,semi modern,clean shaven,semi chassidish,israelis chassidish,the french connection,the ones from the south, the nerds,detroit connection,california cool, montreal classic, etc etc yechi is so 2000 you should really get over it….
    if you really want to know a bit more of the inside work come by i will tell u everything…

  • http://inforebbe.blogspot.com Dov

    Purim in Berlin

    Rabbi Chaim Ciment shares a few stories he heard from Rabbi Joseph Ber Soloveitchik about his days together with the Rebbe in Berlin

    http://inforebbe.blogspot.com/2010/03/purim-in-berlin.html