How to spot a gay yeshiva guy?
They are the only ones who enjoy the group mikvah;
They constantly emphasize the importance of daily immersion in the mikvah;
They mutter “never” under their breaths when learning the laws of nida;
You know those guys that “accidentally” touch your butt while dancing at a simcha and then apologize profusely;
“That was my lulav” you hear someone say from behind you during hoshanas, you have to point the lulav up or else you will mess with the tip- you think to yourself. Later you may wonder how he got his lulav to extend so low;
Guys who insist on watching those dorky yeshiva boys choir videos over and over again;
Did you just say that Shweky is hot???
They insist on using the pink version of the Shiloh siddur;
Yeshiva guys who wear gel or hair spray:
Did I just see that guy do a gay wave instead of a thumb dip to prove his point in shuir?
You can visibly see them shaking and crying when the laining that says being gay is an abomination is read:
They always seem to make a mistake and open up showers that are obviously occupied;
They are happiest on simchas torah, when they can get a lot of touch without being suspected of any impropriety;
They cheer on the Rabbis whenever they bust guys on talking to girls or looking at pritzus;
They claim shomer negia is their strong point;
You know those guys that insist on taking naked showers in the JCC
(in my yeshiva high school we used to go once a week to he local JCC and no one would take a naked shower- though later in life I did discover that there were several gay students) Unlike public schools, most guys do not get all naked in front of each other, unless they go to the large mikvahs- which freak me out.
They tend to have up to date news on all the mikvahs being built;
They keep a little guide to mikvahs, to make sure they don’t miss an opportunity to visit a new one;
They quote Rabbis Lanner and Kolko way too much;
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Just read their ads on the m4m section of craigslist.
they’re not even inately gay, they turn gay cuz the only ppl around are guys its really sad.
flatbush gal
ahmadinijad claims there are no gays in iran, and they have just as much, if not more, seperation between the sexes..
maybe we should ask him how they stop guys from “turning” gay
“they’re not even inately gay, they turn gay cuz the only ppl around are guys its really sad.”
wow, that is so ignorant
Flatbush Gal- that was one of the most ignorant things I have ever heard.
Are you one of those people that think most Gays are gay by choice? Or that it is a disease like the Rabbis claim. Personally hate the whole disease route- people do not choose to be gay, it sucks, but they live with it.
Imagine someone telling you that your a lesbian because you go to an all girls school?
You know something interesting about gay yeshiva guys. I love gay guys they are always mad chill and cool, but gay yeshiva guys are always insane, they always have issues and try and cry on your shoulder. In my school we had a couple guys who came out of the closet after they graduated and we all knew they were gay- just by their “issues” that they would always bitch about.
Regular gay guys are way better, but it probably also has to do with orthodox Judaisms lack of openness when it comes to gay folks. I fully agree with Hesh- they need to come to terms with the whole philosophy of being gay.
You can be gay, you just cannot act on it is way harder then many frum folks make it out to be. That like saying to you, you can be in love- you just cannot get married or have sex with your partner- that is tougher then anything I know of.
Oh and I am not gay, but I have several close friends who happen to be orthodox and gay. Now you may ask yourself if this is possible? Yes and no, many orthodox straight people masturbate, tell loshon harah and break tons of other laws- yet are still considered orthodox.
B”H OK, so I can’t argue with most of the above. But, the first one? Oh, please! What I can’t stand is when people are all of a sudden SO tznius when it comes to the miqvah. If you want to hold by the humroth of say Toldos Avraham Yitzhaq or Satmar, then fine, but don’t go telling someone he’s gay because he likes a heimish miqvah. Be consistent. If you’re OK with hanging out and otherwise talking with women, for example, then chill when Jews are chilled out regarding different issues than you are. We won’t make you take your towel off and tell you that you whouldn’t be embarrassed by your bris milah of Avraham Avinu, if you don’t tell us we’re gay because we don’t.
But just because you’re uptight about your body and the bodies of other men, due to your western brainwashing/galuth mentality, doesn’t mean we have to be. (I guess now I’m inappropriately doing your heshbon nefesh, so I’ll add the word “maybe.”)
The miqvah has the potential to undo a lot of male body issues many Americans grow up with. And, yes, at the risk of sounding touchy-feely, it CAN be a male-bonding thing: sheading boundaries, uncovering the secrets, so to speak, taking the risk to be vulnerable by quite literally by being exposed.
I don’t mean to be hard on you (Don’t worry. NO pun intended).
I’m just really surprised on the rare occasion that the Heshman gets all frum-freaked-out on us.
I’m guessing there are plenty of miqva’oth to choose from in NY. Go to the ones you’re comfortable with, and stay away from the ones you’re not. Everyone is entitled to their personal comfort levels.
When you come to Israel, I’ll be happy to let you know which ones that would probably freak you out, so that you can avoid them.
And, I thought that I was intolerant.
OK.
I’m ready for the onslaught of name-calling and abuse.
B”H Whoops. Did I say NY? I meant VT, which means maybe your miqvah options aren’t so great. Maybe I thought you were referring to your yeshivah experiences in a location where there were a lot of miqva’oth.
Ben-Yehudah: Telling Hehs tha “but don’t go telling someone he’s gay because he likes a heimish miqvah.”, isn’t the whole point of this post to be in jest? I don’t think he’s getting “frum-freaked-out”, I think he’s joking around. Hence the “frum satire” blog name.
Flatbush gal: I was going to let it go that you can’t type, spell, or come off as vaguely intelligent. But wow, you just confirmed that you are completely naive and, like others have said, ignorant.
Hesh: are you trying to come out of the closet? You seem to know a lot about yeshiva gays.
public school guys don’t shower in the nude together. not that I ever was one, but I went to (public high) school with them, and that didn’t happen.
Can’t they all just snap rubber bands on their wrists like the dude in Trembling Before God. That should shake the gayness off of them.
There are real gays in the frum community Flatbush Gal. If you don’t believe us, watch the movie.
I am not sure who is worse- the author for writing such a close-minded, arrogant, homophobic, and ignorant post or is it me, for taking the time out of my day to read it.
satire |?sa?t?r| noun the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices
Well you certainly did a good job at satirizing the vices and stupidity of homosexual men. I really love when you use the quoting of two avowed child molesters as ” proof” for someone’s homosexuality. For those few orthodox and gay men and women who have the courage to come out they can certainly look to you to greet them with open arms.
They’re the one’s whose dic taste like shit
normally your posts are hilarious, intelligent and enjoyable to read. this one is so horrible i dont even know what to say. how can you quote names of rabbis, regardless of who they are or what they have been accused of. you should remove this post.
woh calm down i said it happens to some of them geez.
Sarah, For the record I went to Public HS and was witness to the entire Football team, in a bullpen shower. There were strict unwritten rules of conduct.
There were several stalls that were available, supposedly, thats were the gay guys went two at a time.
B”H Anonymous, Yeah, I know. Maybe I didn’t use enough smileys, or something, to show that I understood that.
But, how satirical was he REALLY being????
Hey I have to offend once in a while and by the way, if you would have read any of the other posts on this site you would have realized I love gays, just not the ones who try and stick their pink thongs in your face.
Just because the title says satire doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun once a while. But I am glad I offended some of you, artists will always offend some folks.
Where did all the lesbo commentors come from, all of a sudden?
Dude Rabbis Lanner and Kolko have both been indicted and thrown in prison. I highly doubt Mr Hesh would have used names- he rarely uses names in his posts- if they would not have been already out in the public covering the pages of the NY Times and Jewish Press.
and I hate fags too…I know you do to Heshy
I actually do not hate anyone, save for homophobes, racists, and anyone else with a need to spread hatred for no reason.
I would say that the worst type of people are those that use religion as an excuse to persecute others- in your terms you are using Judaism as some sort of excuse to hate gays- the Torah says no such thing.
Being gay itself is not anti Torah one iota.
yiridah leader, thanks for the insight. Bullpen and shower are two words that just don’t sound right together. How was the view? (kidding!)
“I really love when you use the quoting of two avowed child molesters as ” proof” for someone’s homosexuality.”
I have to agree with Elina for taking you to task on this one. Many male pedophiles who target boys are actually heterosexual when it comes to adults.
I’m not sure if the showers even worked in my Junior High and High School locker rooms. Maybe the sports teams used them, but no one in gym class did. Yes, we spent the rest of the day reeking.
Ahh, the classic Frum Satire is back, thel ong essays and offensive one-liners. Tell the truth, don’t let the PC police ruin your act. Judaism is emphatically clear on this topic.
As for “don’t hate the sinner, only the sin,” I say that the focus must be on teshuva- If homosexuality is an orientation, teshuva is about orienting oneself away from the sin.
B”H
“Hey I have to offend once in a while and by the way, if you would have read any of the other posts on this site you would have realized I love gays, just not the ones who try and stick their pink thongs in your face.”
Yeah, I have. Yeah, I get it.
“Just because the title says satire doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun once a while.”
Yeah, I know. I get it.
“But I am glad I offended some of you, artists will always offend some folks.”
Yes, I am HORRIBLY offended as a “male-bonding, shmoozing, miqvah-goes” AND as a “Get in touch with the Land, get in touch with nature, male-bonding, settler, natural miqvah-goer.”
Hey, you like the outdoors! Remember? We’re gonna ride bikes through various hostile, Arab villages in the Shomron, right?
We’ll hit the miqvahs while we’re there. I promise, b’li neder, to “avert” my eyes. 
Ya’aqov
Son of an artist (but please don’t hold that against me)
Flatush Gal:
“they’re not even inately gay, they turn gay cuz the only ppl around are guys its really sad.”
So following that train of thought, logically, all yeshiva guys should be gay and all Beis Yaakov girls should be lesbians.
Furthermore, there should be no gays or lesbians amongst people who grow up in mixed gender environments.
Your logic is fallacious, think before you post.
Dude all BY girls are totally lesbians and if not, just leave my fantasy alone.
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You forgot: If your room mate is part of Miami Boys Choir, Tzil vezemer, etc. Actually happened to me back in the albany Yeshiva days…
Its true or if he is between the ages of 16 and 35 and listens to any of that stuff.
He was a member of tzil vzemer, had the sqeaky fag voice, acted and dressed like one too. I did have to beat him a couple times. Poor kid was placed in my room by the dorm counselor.
Mikvas…hilarious
Hmmm. My junior high school must have warped because I remember a locker room with a large corner with tile floors and about 5 metal poles protruding from the ground with about 6 faucets surrounding the top. No stalls, no curtains. Showers were mandatory for all P.E. classes. Everyone was butt naked and I even remember one of the popular jocks getting a running start, doing a naked penguin slide and knocking the other guys over like bowling pins. If ever some shy kid had the gumption to enter the shower with swim trunks on, he was ridiculed, accused of being gay and then de-pantsed by the group to see if he had a hard on.
Puberty was a traumatic experience
there is a diff between homsexual and a pedophile. major diff some pple like to have power of over innocent children bec these pple are sick in the head. As for homosexuals who hopefully aren’t going around molesting some poor child as someone said they ussualy like anyone ,just want a consentual partner of the same sex. hope that sort of made sense and yes i do know there are some spelling mistakes. As for the whole showering togather,there were some girls i went to sem wth and they would share a shower stall togather eventhough there were plenty of other stalls. but they all eventual got married to guys! shocking i know and have kids! lol you pple are soo sheltered.
This may well be one of the most offensive, homophobic, stereotypical posts I’ve ever read. You cannot tell how is gay or not just by looking at people or observing behavior. And what does it matter anyway? Gay Jews are just as wonderful as any other type of Jew. However, if people continue to stereotype gay Jews they may find a lot of gays turning away from a religion that doesn’t seem to want them very much.
Anon this is humor and if it offended you I am doing my job. Satire always offends – however I should tell you that one of my best friends is in the process of coming out of the closet and I get a lot of flack for being very Pro-Gay and socially liberal.
http://www.frumsatire.net/2009/01/26/coming-out-of-the-closet-in-the-frum-community/
Wow, sorry I missed this “article” when it was posted 2 years ago. There are lots of orthodox gays out there, as you all know. Many of you just choose not to see. Orthodox Judaism does not make it easy to grow up gay, but the all-male environments and the negiah prohibitions do help us. Amen, sister!
eww, gross. group mikvahs are DISGUSTING. im gay and i hate those. i go to the mikvah every day, but never EVER to group mikvahs
Im bi and i hatd going tm mikveh because im afraid ppl chap im looking
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