This is the revised edition of a previous post that received over 90 comments, many of them from pissed off FFB’s who felt this stuff to be a bit over the edge, of course the folks really appreciated the humor- were mostly BT’s who can actually relate to what I was talking about.
Tell them that the reason we dab the havdala wine around our eyes is so we have war paint for the upcoming battles that we wage with the yetzer harah during the weekdays,
It’s a minhag to use the leftover aravos and hadasim in the cholent after succos,
They should smear blood on their doo rposts before the first seder, so God does not smite them,
Tell them that Salt is fleishig since most salt came from Lots wife,
Tell them that in order to be machmir one must snor the besumin,
The only premarital sex allowed is anal, because that way you are not lowering a girls value by breaking her virginity,
Tell them to check all water for bugs,
Tell them to take off their tzitzis and yarmulke whenever going somewhere such as a bathroom- so as not to embarrass such holy items,
Tell them that clopping for al chaits must be hard to enough so that it resonates 20 feet around to prove that they are indeed suffering,
Convince them that certain horrible sins such as masturbation require public confession after Kol Nidre, (if only they convinced us of such things during high school)
You must dry your mouth out with a towel before eating matzo,
Tell them that they cannot eat fruit on shabbos with peel because its counted as tearing,
Tell them that whenever they get an erection, they must say the bracha zokef kefufim,
Tell them to salute whenever hagba is done,
Tell them the reason Jews don’t get abortions is because the temple is not around anymore and we cannot have sacrifices,
Convince them to drink the mayim achronim waters,
Tell them that flushing their toilet on shabbos is forbidden because it carries stuff from rishus hayachid to rishus harabim,
Tell them it is a custom to wish newly weds luck in the bedroom,
Hide the barcha sheet when they called up to the torah for an aliyah,
Hide all the transliterated siddurim and give them one of those free breslover ones the dudes hand out in the street,
Alleviate their fears by saying the prayers of tefilas haderech and oray minay bisumin were made to show appreciation for drug use,
Convince them to buy those ticheles tzitzis,
Tell them that peeing facing east is assur,
Tell them to be care full about wiping their mouths with unkosher napkins,
The OR symbol on products is the strictest hechsher in the kasharus field- standing for Orthodox Rabbis,
Serve veggie burgers with cheese- nonchalantly, ignoring the sweat beading off your friends face- struggling to understand and convince them it is a sphardi custom,
Tell them to save all their bedikas chometz bread for throwing at tashlich,
Show them how to hold a lulav- upside down,
Tell them asher yatzar should be said for any bodily function that comes from openings, such as masturbation, sneezing, and throwing up,
If you happen to be in a litveshe setting convince your friend to strike up a hearty Yechi adonanu….
Direct them to shuir hashirum for every haftorah,
We must cheer and clop for Mordichai because he saved the Jews- hence the reason for graggers,
Get them to clap after a Rabbis drasha,
Direct the random BT entering your shull to the usually empty women’s section,
During purim try to get them to pull a woman’s sheitle off- make up some custom about exposing the costume wearers,
The hole in the sheet sex is really false- its really supposed to be through a talis,
All fruits and veggies must be certified kosher,
Freak them out by saying they may have to “renew” their bris,
Point to some randlom shmona esray insertation and tell them that since they missed they need to say it over again- stop them before they start of course- (don’t want no bracha livatala’s)
In order to get bircas kohanim rights you have to have big hands- so its harder not to look and you get more sechar for not looking,
35 responses so far ↓
1 yingerman // Oct 28, 2007 at 3:49 pm
LOL
and we hafta stand up before every, older than yourself, person
after kaporos kiss the chicken as a way of thanking it
how bout you MUST defacate before every tefila
2 jacob // Oct 28, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Good post!
3 chatul // Oct 28, 2007 at 5:58 pm
I just found your blog (while searching for frumster so that I can delete my profile off the site -it’s been pretty useless and I’m tired of it), and had to tell you this was a great laugh. Thanks for the humor!
4 commonsensejew // Oct 28, 2007 at 7:54 pm
i was wondering whether there were jews near Durham and Raleigh-near Duke University
5 Sheva-Liraz // Oct 28, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Duke probably has a Chabad–
6 Yochanan // Oct 28, 2007 at 10:12 pm
It’s a segulah to have in mind a Grateful Dead tune when saying the bracha of “Techiat HaMetim”
7 lakewoodshmuck // Oct 28, 2007 at 10:16 pm
better then ever!
8 flatbush gal // Oct 28, 2007 at 10:30 pm
yeah yeah yeah, comment on my blog already!
9 anna n mouse // Oct 29, 2007 at 1:14 am
A friend of mine invited a non frum friend over for shabbos this week and made her cover her head with a turban and told her its lichvod shabbos!!
10 yiridah leader // Oct 29, 2007 at 3:01 am
How about a post on how to mess with a Bal yiridahs? tell them the world really is flat!
11 heshman // Oct 29, 2007 at 3:02 am
Pardon my ignorance by what is a Bal Yiridah?
12 Sheva-Liraz // Oct 29, 2007 at 4:07 am
How about telling them Chicken is really pareve because you can’t actually milk a Chicken?
13 Ben-Yehudah // Oct 29, 2007 at 11:33 am
B”H (eyebrows raised) Eh. I like my idea better of doing stuff in front of them which is mutar. It’s more educational that way.
I used to live by some BT yeshivas in J-M, and it was cool to invite guys over, and show them that they could still have a fun time on Friday night, and didn’t have to be bored out of their minds, nor freaking out all the time about accidentally doing melachah on Shabbath, etc.
I think you’d be great at kiruv, because of your humor and you’re down to earth.
14 Hesh // Oct 29, 2007 at 1:43 pm
BY I think you are the first one to say such a thing- I feel like I may be good- but as soon as a applied for a job they may get their hands on this and kick me out.
15 rebitizenviewpoint // Oct 29, 2007 at 3:56 pm
how about this one for of you frummies
there is no oilamhabah! your’e making yourselves crazy for nothing
16 Yochanan // Oct 29, 2007 at 6:25 pm
At the risk of sounding corny:
Men look for a she-duch
Women look for a he-duch.
“BY I think you are the first one to say such a thing- I feel like I may be good- but as soon as a applied for a job they may get their hands on this and kick me out.”
Don’t work for a kiruv organization, start your own renegade one.
17 commonsensejew // Oct 29, 2007 at 7:46 pm
yochanan that is hilarious!
18 Yochanan // Oct 29, 2007 at 8:03 pm
thanks
19 yiridah leader // Oct 29, 2007 at 8:42 pm
definition of a bal yiridah= reverse of a bal tshuva . I made the term up yesterday, only today I realized it could be misinterpreted as a person who is an expert at oral
20 Ben-Yehudah // Oct 29, 2007 at 10:28 pm
“…but as soon as a applied for a job they may get their hands on this and kick me out.”
Well, perhaps that means one of the following:
1) It’s not the right job for you.
2) Who knows till you try (that is if you want to). Maybe you’re your own harshest critic.
21 Mordechai // Oct 29, 2007 at 11:44 pm
Hmmm, I think that you went a bit too far with this one. The invitation to visit us in Victoria is now rescinded.
22 Hesh // Oct 30, 2007 at 1:10 am
Mordichai:
It comes with the territory, I cannot expect that some folks will not be offended, after all art is the ultimate in freedom of expression.
23 Anonymous // Oct 30, 2007 at 2:11 am
Silly
24 Guy // Oct 30, 2007 at 4:26 am
Wow I remember the first time you posted this, I think ED even came out to join the fun.
Once again great post, even though over half of them are on the old one.
25 Yochanan // Nov 1, 2007 at 5:05 am
Hmmm, I think that you went a bit too far with this one. The invitation to visit us in Victoria is now rescinded.
Finally, someone got offended!
26 Hesh // Nov 1, 2007 at 11:43 am
Yes but when only one person got offended out of 25 comments that means the post was not really good enough
27 dana // Nov 4, 2007 at 9:40 pm
ok…so this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read…but just food for thought…there are a lot of very normal BT’s out there who know that the BT schools in Israel are a little…odd, BT’s in general are very…weird. We know that.
But, for the most part, the only kiruv out there is Chabad or Aish, so you learn either or. What normally happens is you learn these extreme views, try really hard for a while, realize that you are miserable because you tried to turn yourself into a robot, and eventually chill out and decide to watch the Simpsons and buy cuter skirts. (oh, and maybe change your name back from Frieda Rechama to Jamie)
But, like, if you normal MO people don’t go into kiruv, and only nutty BH folks do, have a little empathy for why BT’s are weird and extreme until they eventually return to earth (or there conservative parents from long island finally refuse to send any more money to ohr somayach and they finally have to come back and get a job.)
and…totally agree with the guy who asked why act nice to BTs for kiruv and then mean to them for shidduchim.
maybe a little startling, but if your not going to accept these people, STOP doing kiruv…you’re fucking up peoples lives then
28 Yochanan // Nov 5, 2007 at 7:31 am
Just came up with these:
The pious eat meat and milk in separate cities.
Black hats have a blade going around the brim like Odd Job (from James Bond)
29 Yochanan // Nov 5, 2007 at 8:42 am
“or there conservative parents from long island finally refuse to send any more money to ohr somayach and they finally have to come back and get a job.”
I think this is more of an issue of people raising their kids to be spoiled brats than anything else.
30 Hesh // Nov 5, 2007 at 11:14 pm
Agreed with Yochanan. Though I attended Ohr Someyach and paid not one cent.
31 ... // Nov 6, 2007 at 3:18 am
its not an issue of spoiled brats…its an issue of guilty parents that taught there children nothing, and are happy (although sort of disturbed at the same time) that there kids finally are inta Judaism.
Its more exploiting parents in the name of religion than anything else
32 Susanne // Nov 6, 2007 at 8:29 pm
“Hide the barcha sheet when they called up to the torah for an aliyah”
Now thats funny. I would die if I got up there and there was no sheet. Although, since I’m a chick, if I went up there in an Ortho shul at all I’d prob get stoned anyway. Besides, I totally make fun of people that mess up on the bracha. That would suck.
33 Hesh // Nov 7, 2007 at 1:11 am
I am the type who tries to memorize before I get up there, but always mix the two brachas up.
34 Akiva // Nov 27, 2007 at 8:03 pm
This actually happened:
A bunch of kids in shul (around bar-mitzvah age) decided to mess with a BT. It was Shabbos Channukah and they told him that some dreidels had 2 gimels. He responded, ‘O Yeah?’ The kid says, ‘yeah…the second gimel stands for gullible!’
35 Hesh // Nov 28, 2007 at 1:13 am
haha
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