So a few weeks ago I get a call about a girl from a guy I rarely talk to, says she’s perfect and to tell the truth she sounded like one of the more interesting ones in a long time. Happens to be that almost every date I go on- I understand why I am there. I have not been on a too many “what the hell were they thinking” dates. I guess having eclectic interests has its high points.
So I call the girl and have this amazing two hour long phone call all about the stuff we both love to do- mainly biking. For the first time in my life I am having a conversation about bikes and biking with a frum girl who knows exactly what I am talking about and loves biking just as much as I do. I was floored, I have met frum girls that bike- but not who were sponsored and had the opportunity to race.
Of course this girl is a BT if you have not guessed, but during college she raced mountain bikes and road bikes. In fact she still rides road bikes competitively and she currently rides a bike that cost as much as my car, makes me drool thinking about it. Not only does she dress tznius all the time including during hiking and biking- she has found a company that makes biking skirts and she wears long sleeves. I was shocked to say the least and very excited to go out with her.
I don’t go on that many dates, it may seem like I have been dating a long time- but I have only been dating since I was 24 and I have been out with maybe 12-15 girls- I lose track. So a date for me is a big deal, unlike the folks who are serial daters that get to date every night of the week- like my brothers and sisters in New York.
We set a date and I willingly drove 3 hours to meet her, since near by there happened to be this park I have wanted to ride in for years. I wasn’t going to see her till the afternoon so I went on my ride and then took a shower in the sink of a gas station. First impression was- good body, cute face- very extroverted my type of chick. In fact this girl was almost the perfect girl if not for this… I am going to rant now so beware.
I would never tell a date that I am not interested in roundabout ways to their face. On the phone call afterwards we can be adults and state why we were not for each other. For the first time in my life I was offended by a date. My date proceeded to tell me, not directly, but through many statements why I indeed was not for her. But it wasn’t just that, she was particularly insulting.
“I normally date older guys who are successful and well put together was the line she used in more ways then one.” I assumed she meant monetarily successful since I think I am pretty successful. She kept mentioning that she was from a privileged back round and that she was used to certain things. Was she trying to say that she wants a house full of fancy stuff that you cannot take to the grave with you? Was she calling herself a materialistic bitch? Was she admitting to being a Jap? The first extreme sports tree hugging Jap I have ever met.
“The last guy I dated was into all the same hobbies as me but he drove a fancy car, had a good job and dressed nicely” Are you implying that my Subaru with 256,000 miles is not good enough for you? Or that my lack of Italian designer clothing puts me in a different class? “I am into well put together guys” was mentioned at least 5 times. Jeez, you don’t have to rub it in my face- I assumed put together meant fancy, I am not into fancy things at all- save for free fancy food. I could have said I am into girls who dress like homeless people and have hairy pits, to enhance the situation I guess.
I was so hurt after date, less to do with what she said and more to do with “how many frum biker girls are there anyway?” It was uncivil and mean of her, I wonder since she was so nice and perfect in all other realms, her hashkafa, her interests, her attitude of life. I guess that’s why they say most marriages end in fights over money.
It did prove that what I was seeking exists and that I just have to find someone who appreciates the whole me, not someone who strives for social status and thinks monetary success is all there is to success.
Updated portion of post: When I went to pick her up- we chatted for a few minutes and then she told me she had to do some shopping for her work and if I minded doing this errand with her. She proceeded to drive me in her car to the grocery store where we spent a couple hours before going to chill at a coffee shop- pathetic I know- but someone just alerted me to this missing piece of the post.
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Thats just digusting! it shows an extrem lack of manners no matter how much comfort she has been brought up with, her parents should have spent some money on a tutor for her manners.
I wasn’t there of course, but is it possible that you misunderstood her? Maybe she was saying that she was used to Mr. Money, and that you were a welcomed change. Whatever was going on with nice-job-fancy-car didn’t last. Did you tell her about your blog? Maybe she’ll answer you here in this thread?
I’m horrified but yet I must know. How does the gas station sink shower procedure work? Details.
oy. sorry you had to go through that!
recently (after my last failed date) i decided that that it’s not having interests/hobbies/career in common, rather their values and attitudes and background that should be suited first and then if that is right the person would appreciate the other interests (and mabye go along for the ride, learn something new too). hope that made sense!
just daven
wow she’s a real oxyMORON
ive told you this before, stop focusing on the biking! trust me, a girl can learn to bike, and a superprofessional biker wont be biking when shes 9 months pregnant! yes hobbies and interests are important, but look how much more a decent quality personality is.
i think in general it’s normal to have a “type” – maybe you like more sporty, more tree hugging, more active types.. but to focus and get excited on her bike riding.. well it sounds almost as superficial as obessesing over italian suits or fancy cars…
youre way smarter and cooler than to settle for a girl because of her awesome hobby.. find someone you connect with, and then teach her to bike..
now that ive told you off, let me she just clarify that she sounds like a nasty wench
Yeah, what she said (anonymookie).
FS – I feel for you man. But hey at least she called u back – my dates don’t even bother.
Some Grey Goose should ease the pain.
I agree, I think you’re focusing on the wrong things while shidduch dating. You should be focusing on your date’s goals in life, values and hashkafos and see if they match with yours. Research actually shows that most couples do NOT have similar careers/ interests. yes, I actually did read that from a reliable place! When dating for marriage, the main things you should be looking for is someone who you can still relate to in 60 years! and I agree with anonymookie – find someone you connect with and then teach her to bike. You need someone who will APPRECIATE what you do and be willing to join you or allow you to do it whenever you want.
Just my opinion…don’t mean to sound harsh, just trying to give real advice! and this does not really have to do with your recent date, b/c she didn’t sound too nice at all!
‘well put together’ means something like a frum Ken doll that will look good on a social climbing resume, and has nothing to do with who you actually are. I get really angry when I think about people who are like that. at the same time, that is where she is in her path maybe she will grow and change and suddenly the situation will be different. Its never godo to write someone off. I know my sarcasm earilier in this comment is mroe directed at her worldview than at her.
“I wonder since she was so nice and perfect in all other realms, her hashkafa, her interests, her attitude of life.
Apparently she is not so nice and perfect and her hashkafa isnt perfect because she is rude.
But i guess its better she was honest from the get go and you knew not to get too into her before u found out about her preferences. I dont necessarily think shes wrong for wanting nice things and a rich guy or whatever because everyone can want whatever they want but she definitely shouldnt have been making comments like that ON the date.
Hesh- as shmuli said the Goose cures all- wen u come into NY ill buy a round- (ooops i forget u dont drink…)
well, she aint the one.
just keep looking, u only need “one” but the right one, and she is out there waiting for u her prince to come and get her, soon
This is one of those stereotypical situations. Guys are in it for the hotties and girls are in it for the dough. I know that’s not true about you and I doubt that is entirely true about her.
Still, I don’t know whether my tears are out of amusement or of pity. (I pity her that she behaved so badly, and I pity you for having to put up with it.)
Anonymookie, I tend to agree with you. And yet again, I do. Well done.
BTW I am also wondering about the shower in the sink business. I never thought of a gas station bathroom as a place where you could emerge cleaner than you entered. But perhaps you will enlighten me?
Fine Dining, I’m still waiting.
I think some of you got me wrong- I am still focusing on hobbies. You see unless any of you are true outdoors nuts you will never understand my woes. My outdoors stuff is more of a lifestyle then a hobby. I wish I could explain it more, its funny I can only truly relate o folks who are interested in the outdoors or have friends who are tree huggers.
I do not focus on other “hobbies” being similar. I am not nec looking for someone interested in industrial photography and organic gardening because those are simply interests. But when I say I like to hike/bike/kayak/ski- that is what I am- I consider myself a Jewish outdoorsman- not just as a hobby. Hard to explain unless you were in my shoes.
consider yourself lucky that you now know that a frum girl exsists with similar hobbies. I gave up mentioning mine on dates because they never understand or worse they think they do and they get them all wrong…
But hey one and out beats a long protracted relationship at least her lack of basic manners came through early…
wow, what an experience! I am a bit outraged by the girls behavior… I hope that you find ms. Frum Hiker, really really quickly or at least that shes 1000% worth the wait!
real beyutch…
Wow, she took the beeyatch frum jap too another level. She actually verbally told you this to your face. They usually analyze this crap in their mind, while staring at your looks, what your wearing, your car, your mileage on your car lol, job etc, and thinks that stuff to her self. She sucks at keeping her thoughts to herself.
Well the lady I originally told this to said that she obviously automatically dismissed me right then and there- because she would have held back her real thoughts if not.
I told her that finding a guy in the frum community who does the stuff she does as well as being all high in social status is hard. Since most of the guys that do this sort of stuff are very practical and much less into stuff. She mentioned just like I do that cycling is the one thing in her life that she is not willing to compromise on. By the way 200 miles a week is way more then I will ever ride so she was way more hardcore then me.
ommcvlfdnzt, I assume what you said was a bracha for our FH here, so I say AMEN TO THAT!
you poor guy!!
And you must tell us how you managed to fit in that sink lol!
The sink shower is common amongst folks like myself who must travel for a date and plan on doing something active before the date. On this particular date I was able to ride some amazing trails for 3 hours on my mountain bike. Luckily I was going to wear pants on the date- I wish I didn’t have to- but since I had fallen up to my knees in quick sand- it did help.
I basically went into the bathroom and soaped my smelly parts up and then used an old t-shirt, I keep about 5 old t-shirts in the car for various purposes- such as cleaning pots when I cook some dinner on the side of the road after a hike or ride.
Then after the gas station sink shower- I dowsed myself with some free samples of Kenneth Cole cologne that someone had given me. I also always keep cologne and deoderant in the care for the “portable shower/cover up” that may need to be done. Of course that does not cover up the smell that my car always has- a combination of mud and sweat soaked riding gear that gets washed once a week or so. I always have at least one bike in my car at all times- so if the girl is really classy which is rare for me- I have some blankets to cover up the mess that is going on in the back of my station wagon- which consists of bikes, paddles, camping and cooking stuff.
Ouch! I’m really sorry for you.
Dont worry I have been talking to a promising girl that I inadvertently came to meeting from someone at the singles event I went to a couple weeks back.
Someone just called me up and alerted me to a big oops in the post. I failed to mention that when I went to pick her up and she mentioned that she had to do some grocery shopping and hence I went with this girl in her car to do errands- proof that she obviously dismissed any possibility of me right away. Maybe I will include that in the post.
well i see what she wanted and the contrast, don’t get so hurt she wanted fancy and ur admittedly not fancy-guy, so besides for her lack of tact of course, dont walk away hurt! she wanted a non-you no hard feelings happens all the time
Actually the “to your face insults” have never happened to me nor do they happen to all the time. I actually didn’t feel bad afterwards- the hind sight though puts it more into perspective.
well the sink probably didnt help matters much…i do understand what your saying about the outdoors being a lifestyle thing, but i also agree with mookie (again) that your placing too much emphasis on it. that said, i gotta admit; she sounds really nasty and your lucky to have gotten out of her manipulative arms way
I cannot believe that she made you go grocery shopping with her when you picked her up- that is extremely rude!!!!! its basically like saying “I didnt have time to do my errands today, so do you mind just sitting around while i do something better” How is it possible to come from a “privaleged background” and treat people like that……….. , frum satire, your lucky that this didnt work out for you- you will find someone whos right for you soon.
well anonymookie seems to have said anything worth saying right at the begining. but honestly she sounds like the worst sort of person.. how rude and unfeeling! you should really thank your lucky stars the bad stuff showed up in the begining and not later on… yeuch!
im not gonna tell ya what you shoulda done if i were you
but ill tell you what you shoulda since you are heshy
you shoulda interupted her after her comments bout lookin for rich men and said “oh you’re one of those golddigging girls” once u know she was not gonna work out you might as well had a good time rippin into her bout her hollow personality
i know you as the type of person to make people of common cliches uncomfortable about it man you coulda told a much different tale
but all in all im truly sorry it dint work out and u wasted all that time gas and emotional strain id whoop that dude who set u up JK
I don’t think I’d feel very clean after a sink-shower. Maybe I’m just more hygenically attuned than you are
PLEASE tell me you use different t-shirts to wash your body and the utensils that come in contact with your food.
Truth me told though, major props for the planned improvisation…
B”H You handled it way better than I would’ve. I would’ve politely pointed this “communication issue” with her. Then, I probably would’ve ditched her.
(Shidduch date rule #45: take your own car, or have other means of escape available to you.)
Ive had some strange dates as well that wanted to go grocery shopping on the date. I still think its quite odd, but one claimed it was thurs night and she had to cook some meals for shabbos. I guess if its not a first date looking for cheese in the frozen section can be oddly entertaining and fun.
“she has found a company that makes biking skirts” Did she happen to give you the name of the company? Once in a blue moon, my wife will ride with me on my motorcycle, and wears pants when she does so, but wondered about ways to wear a skirt on the bike. I know you are talking bike as in bicycles, but I wanted to take a look anway.
Sorry to hear about the date going sour right off the bat though.
http://www.nextag.com/terry-cycling-skort/search-html
That is the lonk I found for cycling skirts which I called “skorts”- funny name though.
You know I actually find shopping with someone else extremely entertaining- it is afterwards in hindsight that I realize she wasn’t doing it for entertaining she was doing it because she might as well not waste her time on a date.
The sink comment had me cracking up. I’ve done that in Israel…it works.
I’m sorry about ure date
skort= skirt+shorts…big in the eighties
This article is quite good though I guess your situation is nothing as bad as these.
http://www.wolfishmusings.blogspot.com/
Reminds me of a tale they had in yeshiva about some of the guys going out with a jap that did exactly that, at the end of the date she would go down a laundry list about how the guy was a total loser and not for her etc etc.
so they decided to get back at her and chipped in for the “coolest, richest guy” to take her to a great restaurant in a fancy car etc etc. and laugh at her dumb jokes etc etc and at the end of the date she says “i had an awesome time” can we do this again….. to which he replied are you kidding????????!!!! with you???????!!!!! UCHHHHHHHHH
and preceded to blast her for 10 min !
Sorry you had to do deal with that sort of girl.
I hope HaShem can give her some clarity.
As for you, don’t give up! I’m sure there’s someone out there for ya
nigel too bad theres no tape of it but its priceless all i know is i pity the fool that girl will end up with
Hesh, I know you feel hurt, but Baruch HaShem!
You found out she was a bitch the first day.
I have never in my entire time of knowing you–have heard you been hurt by a girl’s comments….
I AM IN SHOCK AND I’M GOING TO KICK HER SELF RIGHTEOUS ASS!
–KISSES
PS. SHE DOESN’T DESERVE YOUR TIME AT ALL!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Jessman
Sounds like when she was born, she came out of the wrong hole;)
You said she was driving a bike which costs as much as your car.NOW that is a big red flag. You should have realized right back then and spared yourself a date with her.
Well actually one of my three bikes is about the value of my car.
Hmm, I think I know who she is. Story sounds very familiar. Although, if its not, I totally have a girl for you who digs bikes. I don’t think she’d be this harsh. This chick sounds nuts.
Susanne I went out with two of the three biker girls from your hood,(Adena and Estie) the other one was in my class in MDS. Are those the ones or do you have other suggestions. Though I do like the hieghts girls
She’s rude and dumb. However, when you encounter a situation like this, maybe you can walk away with a little understanding of her idiotically delivered criticism: maybe taking a bike ride and then a bath in the sink immediately before a date was not the best idea? You really want to put your best foot forward on a first date. And that might have been the source of the “not put together” comment. Just my $.02.
Great blog btw…I’m linking you in.
Well, seems your bud came across a straight forward, let me stick the knife in the gut and test your self esteem type of chick. I think our friend needs to laugh at this one…she has no class.
As for the shopping, some woman like to do what feels comfortable to them. Kind of like being on their turf. Or maybe she just figured “hey if he isnt for me, at least I didnt waste good shopping time”. Either way, it is messed up. Hope you find a quality girl next time.
Dude women can do whats comfortable, but I highly doubt any normal person can possibly say that grocery shopping is a way to spend a date.
Its one thing if you go to a large store to walk around and talk about your fave products, like at a bookstore or something. Its another thing to go with a shopping list.
um, what can i say, a girl who thinks bout only green stuff, that means she wont be thinkin bout u, only her car and her nails, u gotta dump such a girl like like a hot lattka
Hey Tzaddik
I’ve read through many of your “rants” & wish u a great shidduch soon B’H….however I do have one hot tip for u.
I think u should remove the link to ‘makelove’, because anyone who connects… using your site, G-D will make u pay. theres no 2 ways about it. u piss him off-u pay! G-D is in charge of everything that happens to u me & everybody on this planet…it makes sense to be on his good side. i’ve read your material, & u sound like a smart guy! Dont be stupid. G-D is real.The tora is true & there is reward & punishment for everything u do. I know I’ve tried