I recently spoke to a shadchun and she asked me some of the most ridiculous questions ever, I of course had to give ridiculous answers just to mess with her and show her how stupid the questions were. In keeping with tradition I had a pen and paper ready to jot some of them down to bring to you in original form. The post starts after all the normal questions and brings you only the whacked out ones.
Shadchun: So tell me does your family use paper or plastic?
ME: Well my father was all for cash, I remember when I used to get to yeshiva and instead of giving the Rabbis a check for tuition he would just whip out this wad of cash. I would watch the hanhalas eyes popping out of their heads as if some beautiful half naked women had just walked by them, they would be licking their lips and I could almost see the new cars and artscroll special edition shas sets rolling through their thoughts. Until a few years ago my father was an all cash man, claiming that with plastic the government could follow you- I think the changing of the millennium caused him to change some ideals.
SH: I donít think you understood me, I meant in terms of cutlery most importantly on shabbos, like paper plates or glass plates?
ME: Oh I was wondering why you would such a stupid question, everyone knows that the frummer you are the more likely you are to use paper. HmmÖDo you mean me or my family?
SH: Your family, you mean to tell me you live out of your house and your single?
ME: Yes I live away from home, and as I recall we used to use glass when we had guests over, but we never had real guests, the type of guests that would care whether we had glass or plastic plates and such. We did get those nice Dixie plates, you know the thick ones with scenes of nativity on them- of course that was after Christmas and they were all on sale.
ME: Tell me what exactly does the material of my plates have to do with my marriage partner?
SH: Well I think that many people hold that for kavod shabbos you should have real plates and some folks even want to know what brand of stuff you have. Is it Corning or Oneida some folks ask, or even Tiffanyís?
ME: Sounds a little discriminating towards people who cannot afford to buy a dishwasher or even the glass plates and silver wear?
SH: Moving along, you mentioned that your family does not have shabbos guests, please elaborate? Many girls want to have a lot of guests.
ME: Well we had shabbos guests but they were mostly folks we knew who wouldnít mind the informality of my household. Like for instance until I was about 16 years old I always remember Friday night dinner as taking place in our underwear- of course our family was infamous for this and everyone loved that sort of informality. You know challah is cut and the clothes come off.
SH: Clears throat, so you had guests, ok very good, ahemÖ.
SH: What sort of horseradish do you prefer?
ME: Wow so mishpacha magazine was really correct. Is there a shadchun list-serve where they see who can come up with the most ridiculous questions?
SH: Excuse me, I donít understand.
ME: So in terms of horseradish, I donít know all the brands and I understand this may have some bearing on the quality of girl I can marry. But I am all about home made charyonaise, I hate the premade stuff in those squeeze bottles, it bothers me immensely. I also like red better then white, sweet red in fact and I have heard that this also deeply effects my chances with potential girls- because a man who can stand the white chrain particularly the Golds white horseradish in the little glass jar of weird shape really knows how to learn with fire. I guess I may even considered a faygallach in some circles since I prefer the sweet red beet kind, which in fact isnít even horseradish at all. Why am I telling you this if you already know from the lists serve?
SH: What color shirts do you wear during the weekdays?
ME: As I stated before in some of the regular questions this would having nothing to do with someone who is not yeshivish. I never wear button down shirts during the week and most of my shirts are of the Tee variety with heavy metal bands on them.
ME: Say have you ever heard of Cannibal Corpse or Quiet Riot? Did you know that if you had to resort to eating humans they would be considered parve and you wouldnít be fleishigs?
SH: So what sort of girl do you want?
ME: preferably alive, so she can till the land with me. If shes dead all shes good for is the compost pile, and maybe a door jamb, although I have a bunch of Bill Clinton’s Autobiographies as door stops already. I also find that Tolstoy works well for door stops.
SH: Do you have laces in your shoes?
ME: Oh because if I have laces I take out time from learning right?
ME: I heard about this in Mishpacha Magazine and thought it was there just for publicity. Well all summer long I wear sandals.
SH: But you said you were not tzioni or mizrachi?
ME: Wow you judge by the sandals too eh, in that case my other shoes have laces. You know you have to be a card carrying member of the AARP to get Velcro shoes.
SH: Do you have any light colored suites?
ME: Man you donít stop, I used to own a white suite in fact, I bought it in some ghetto suite store in Detroit 4 button white and silk, I was a pimp without the pimping abilities. So any way I walked into one of those basement shull in Monsey and they tried to Lynch me, saying I was an apicoris and was trying to instill secular ideals by having them reflect off the shiny surface of my suite. I of course fought back and started yelling at them for having NCSY benchers on some of the bookcases. I argued that they were trying to let the OU infiltrate their modern orthodox ideals into the frummy sects and that I thought that was bad. Then they set up a bes din and framed me and ran me out of town. I could never eat or daven at any place that was considered black hat again as rated by the Adudath Israel in the black hat level rating system.
SH: But you donít own that suite anymore?
ME: They deemed me a heretic and brought some whacked out gemara down that I should be like the women accused of cheating so instead of embarrassing me by tearing my sheitle off they tore my suite off and I stood naked besides my colored shirt(which also almost started a riot) in the intersection of routes 59 and 306.
SH: Thatís good that you donít own it anymore, otherwise I may have had to cut you off from my list of guys.
SH: Boxers or Briefs?
ME: Donít you find this a little untznius?
SH: Well many guys when I am finished ask me the measurements of the girls, this is rather uncalled for and untznius, so we figure we have to even the score.
ME: Boxers, tell me whatís the difference?
SH: Well they say folks who wear boxers will be able to have twice as many children and you know I require you to have a minimum of 7 children to set you up.
SH: What kind of siddur do you daven from?
ME: Well I am all for Shiloh siddurs, but they have all but vanished and artscroll has replaced them by using their tyrannical and monopolistic Wal Martesque motives. I personally like the old school tikun mayers with the frayed yellow covers.
SH: The reason I ask is because the frummer you are, the more likely you are not to pray with an English siddur which is secular culture creeping up on us. You are more likely to daven with siddurim that have Yiddish instructions.
ME: So I guess the fact we are talking English right now makes us hypocrites.
SH: Do you buy secular branded condiments?
SH: You know do you use such shmutz as Hellman’s and Heinz and choose to undermine the business of Heimishe shomer shabbos companies?
ME: Let me guess, by looking in my fridge some communities will judge me as being more open minded since the only way to learn about secular condiments is through print and online media an if I solely shopped at the Kollel store and Friedmans I would have no idea that quality products existed. With regards to such essentials as salsa and steak sauce I would have no idea that there was life beyond Golds and Ungers and therefore be ultimately more frum and less influenced by secular culture as a whole? Is this the way you see it?
SH: 100% on the ball, I am glad I can put you into a more machmir category. Since you donít use real plates I figured that you may have gone one more step off the derech to the world of fine tasting condiments.
SH: What do you think about shabbos robes?
ME: I love em, the air is great- its definitely much better then wearing suite pants all shabbos long like some communities require. I used to get stares for wearing khakis chas vshalom. So I started wearing the robes, and since they make them unisex- because I could never tell if the folks wearing the robes and turbans were women anyway I havenít had to order any because they are always in stock.
SH: I meant for your potential wife, stop joking around, I am a serious shadchun, there is only so much I can detract from the constant frown upon my face.
ME: I have no problem with it, I just donít understand why they cant make themed robes. Like put a Megadeath Album cover on the robe or something or maybe Yankees robes. You know I had this idea that we can put frum advertisements on robes. First of all, most of the population that wears robes are pregnant most of the time leading to free expanded advertising space and we could have ads for places like Big Fleishigs and Buzz Electronics. Maybe we could even get a contract for B&H to boost sales from Lakewood and other out of town type places.
SH: What do you think of television?
ME: I donít understand how frum folks are so out of shape when they donít have TV in their homes? Personally I hate it, I am not for television in the homes at all and attend those riots when we go into homes and uncover TVís behind mirrors and Rebbe pictures in peoples home in Lakewood and Monsey.
SH: Wow your impressing me, based on my years of making shidduchim I would have thought you to be pro-TV with your modern dress and secular ways.
ME: Maybe you shouldnít be so judgmental?
SH: But I am a shadchun, our job according to the shadchun code book is to try and judge everyone and have handy little labels. Furthermore if we werenít so judgmental we may actually get a good name and people wouldnít be as intimidated anymore.
ME: Isnít that what you want, I mean wouldnít you want to get more customers, we do have a shidduch crisis going on.
SH: Enough about meÖ. Tell me have you thought about hosiery?
ME: Funny you mention that, I went through this stage when Trembling Before God was my favorite movie and thought about how it would look on me, but ever since the Mathew Shepard incident in Wyoming I have strayed from those thoughts.
SH: On your wife?
ME: Oh it enters my head every few seconds, (scientifically every 12 seconds) I like those clip on kinds, you know the lacy ones with the hooks onto the underwear, the only problem is getting them off in the back seat. I can just imagine we’re in the back seat of our mini van and my peyos get stuck on her clips and we have to call hatzolah, it just doesnít seem to fun trying to explain my peyos being stuck on her hosiery clips.
SH: Excuse me but what does that have to do with whether your wife will wear hosiery with seems or not?
ME: As I said the lace or seems, whatever you people call it- might cause some issues. I guess in the winter its not too bad, though I think fleece pants work way better.
SH: Do you stack or scrape?
ME: Since I donít use glass plates apparently notÖ though I myself was more of a stacker type before I learned of the damage it was doing to my reputation and shidduch resume. After reading an article in the Jewish Press I immediately stopped this practice and started to just sit at the table with the other men and let the women bring all the stuff in without lending a hand. I guess it was better for me to raise my shidduch ratings rather then help my hosts, donít you think?
SH: Do you mean to tell me you actually helped the women do something other then open up jars and reach for things?
ME: Is this an issue, I was only trying to be helpful after they cooked such a big meal.
SH: I am not you mother, but you should know that first of all a womenís place is in the kitchen, gender roles are very important in the yiddishe world.
ME: I didnít mean to undermine the tyranny, I was just trying to help.
SH: So you mean to tell me your some kind of feminist? I see what you mean by out of the box. But donít worry, I have tons of ďout of the box girlsĒ (usually shadchuns mean rejects by out of the box)
ME: Thatís me, I am like a frum suffragist, all for frummy power, kind of like Bobby Seale from the Black Panthers. Fighting for the rights of frummies everywhere to maintain their rights as men to enter kitchens and as women to ride shotgun. I fight for the right to live free of any monarchy.
ME: Tell me did you ever hear of the Boro-Park Pizza Party?
ME: It was one of the events we held, in order to protest the way those little frummy kids stare at everyone who enters pizza stores in Boro-Park. We dumped all the pizza in Boro-Park into the water by Coney Island. We were going to dump it in the street, but we got wind that many folks didnít mind the extra spices that the floor contained. I myself would probably have eaten it off the floor- showing my true frummy colors.
SH: Oh like the Boston Tea Party?
ME: Did you ever have tea party Barbie?
SH: Whatís a Barbie?
ME: Do you have any other questions for me, because I have to go start a shabbos riot. I use my compost pile to throw at folks who wear colored shirts on shabbos together with blacks hats, this new phenomenon has really gotten to me. They are bringing a bad name to all the plain colored shirt wearers, and trying to gain yeshiva recognition by claiming minority status.