Please remember to vote me as best in Jewish humor blog if you haven’t already. Vote Here
There was some kid at the kosher kitchen today where I mashgiach once in a while- who switched the way he was facing during benching so as a joke I told him to face the other way like in shmona esray and all the sudden I had an epiphany. I decided to list the best ways to mess with baal teshuvas who haven’t been frum too long or are still in the process. I even asked some of my fellow BT friends for ideas. This is a work in progress- email or comment with your suggestions.
Tell them the reason Jews don’t get abortions is because the temple is not around anymore and we cannot have sacrifices,
Convince them to drink the mayim achronim waters,
Tell them to stand up and salute when they do hagba,
When you see a newly indoctrinated BT putting tefilin on- gasp with horror and ask them where the other arm is?
Tell them that flushing their toilet on shabbos is forbidden because it carries stuff from rishus hayachid to rishus harabim,
Tell them it is a custom to wish newly weds luck in the bedroom,
Hide the barcha sheet when they called up to the torah for an aliyah,
Hide all the transliterated siddurim and give them one of those free breslover ones the dudes hand out in the street,
Alleviate their fears by saying the prayers of tefilas haderech and oray minay bisumin were made to show appreciation for drug use,
Convince them to buy those ticheles tzitzis,
Tell them that peeing facing east is assur,
Tell them to be care full about wiping their mouths with unkosher napkins,
The OR symbol on products is the strictest hechsher in the kasharus field- standing for Orthodox Rabbis,
Serve veggie burgers with cheese- nonchalantly, ignoring the sweat beading off your friends face- struggling to understand and convince them it is a sphardi custom,
Tell them to save all their bedikas chometz bread for throwing at tashlich,
Show them how to hold a lulav- upside down,
Tell them asher yatzar should be said for any bodily function that comes from openings, such as masturbation, sneezing, and throwing up,
If you happen to be in a litveshe setting convince your friend to strike up a hearty Yechi adonanu….
Direct them to shuir hashirum for every haftorah,
We must cheer and clop for Mordichai because he saved the Jews- hence the reason for graggers,
Get them to clap after a Rabbis drasha,
Direct the random BT entering your shull to the usually empty women’s section,
During purim try to get them to pull a woman’s sheitle off- make up some custom about exposing the costume wearers,
The hole in the sheet sex is really false- its really supposed to be through a talis,
All fruits and veggies must be certified kosher,
Freak them out by saying they may have to “renew” their bris,
Point to some randlom shmona esray insertation and tell them that since they missed they need to say it over again- stop them before they start of course- (don’t want no bracha livatala’s)
Tell them that the reason why Aish and Chabad hate each other is because the Rebbe was Water according to his astrological sign and water and aish dont mix well,
In order to get bircas kohanim rights you have to have big hands- so its harder not to look and you get more sechar for not looking,
-->
{ 6 trackbacks }
{ 163 comments… read them below or add one }
hey, anonymous, what’s Jewish life like, down South?
well you get used to the really small jewish population lol…depending what city you’re in.
I hear that; we’ve got places like that up here, too.
My BT friend wanted to wash hands before eating a cookie with coffee because the cookie will be wet when he dunks it.
What to tell BTs before Pesach:
1. Cover toilet seat with foil
2. Buy separate keyboard and mouse for Pesach
3. Delete bookmarks to chomets recipes
4. Make sure plates, forks, etc. have a hashgocha
5. Cover phones with foil
6. Kasher kitchen floor with boiling water
7. When burning chometz, you need to also burn 2 whole challah rolls
8. Cover kids’ toys in foil or cling wrap
9. Wrap all wires in foil
10. For matza, korech and afikoman, you need to use 2 whole hand matzas each
11. Pickles are only for sefardim
12. Kasher fridge with boiling water
13. Kasher bathtub with boiling water
etc
Amazing, Thank you!!!
First off it’s clear he’s just kidding and means it in good fun.
Of course you forgot convincing someone to say yalei vyavo during asher yatzar on Rosh Chodesh
Dude that is a good one- only a BT could have thought of something like that.
this isn’t funny. can u imagine if even one person took an example and used it on someone? not to be a debbie downer, but man you could use your humor for something better
“Tell them that peeing facing east is assur”
Genius!
I’m so tempted to actually try some of these things!
Usually you are a tad cheesy, not really funny (I think its mostly do to your ignorance and jumping to conclusions) But this was really funny. Congrats
Thank you…I guess
I dont know. I understand it’s all in fun, but there are plenty of jerks out there who think that doing stuff like this is ACTUALLY funny instead of hyppothetically funny (which some of them (the ones I can understand)are.)
This list could be considered placing a stumbling block before the blind.
Heshe, you make me laugh, But I’m woried about the immature instigaters that may turn people away from judaism for a little fun.
just a thought, since theres so many comments already.
I think people that are too serious shouldn’t bother reading this blog, seems like some people just don’t get humor. This is some of the best frum humour I’ve read in a while. While most people won’t actually try these suggestions, I hope the few of you that do try it have the heart to stop the BT before he goes too far, some might actually take you seriously.
Thank you Phil and Learning Torah I understand your insights- but here’s the deal the only people who would do this are people who are close to BT’s close enough to inform them that they were messing with them.
Maybe I’ll make a list about messing with frum people. Like when I told my friend you couldn’t even buy food or water during the 9 days.
I’m a 2XBT (I invented the acronym myself.) I’m convinced that the reason I fell out the first time, among other things, is that I didn’t know what I was getting into. People doing kiruv paint a picture of a perfect frum world, and the reality is different. I also failed to think of it as a lifestyle, with good and bad parts. Therefore, I like this post. BTs need to lighten up and understand that what they’re doing is for life, not a race – and that sometimes, frum people joke too.
2xbt- I like it!
On simchat torah its like April fools, and the ultimate mitzvah is to hide all the torahs.
Then tell them we only eat the jelly part in the Gefilte fish jar and throw out the fish (which is only there to keep the jelly preserved).
Since toilet paper can tear on shabbos, we use brawny paper towels instead.
Tell them at the seder its important to wear the egyptian clothing that our ancestors wore to help feel as if you were there.
Leaving open your windows can substitute for a sukka if you hang branches through them all week.
Show them a henna tattoo (or other temporary form) that says “The Chosen” or a Kach fist on your forearm.
Tell them on shavuot we celebrate the harvest – so we have to eat 7 different species of peppers each totalling the volume of an ostrich egg.
eh……
“Maybe I’ll make a list about messing with frum people. ” -Hesh
Sounds good, man.
Give them small stickers with the symbol of a lower case “n” with a circle around it, to signify”Not Kosher”. Then you tell them to put it on all the packages of food thats not kosher.
Damn straight rob
I’m not BT, I recently finished a conversion, and I’m now studying with Chabad. I can’t wait to show this to my Rabbi. This is halarious. It should be required reading for all BTs and Gerim.
Glad you liked
Right after Yom Kippur— “you thought that sucked, soon we have to fast all month for Ramadan.”
Insist they say a bracha for the food they feed their pets, say all hamichya for the pet after meals, and asher yatzar when their pets go doody.
That’s actually a great idea. Get a parrot and teach it to say brochot.
They probly can start with an Israeli parrot since they already speak Hebrew
Speaking of which:
How to Raise a Jewish Dog (Paperback)
by Rabbis of Boca Raton Theological Seminary (Author), Barbara Davilman (Editor), Ellis Weiner (Narrator
Passover Parrot by Evelyn Zusman and Katherine Janus Kahn (Paperback – Jan 1, 1999
I actually knew a guy once who had taught his dogs to wait until he said “it’s kosher” before they ate
I’m BT and think it’s funny….but funnier is what FFB’s think is Frumkeit. Covering mirrors, anyone? (just a minhag, and a weak one at that) Bugs on strawberries? (no those are seeds) I stayed by a family that kept separate sides of the shiyesh for milk and meat and PARVE.
But I suppose that there is already a satire on them somewhere in this blog…
Baruch Atta- you can use the search button at the top or just look at my best of- yeh I pretty much touched on everything- strawberries and bugs and all sorts of chumras are commonly poked fun at.
If you do have any ideas for posts you can email me.
I can’t stop laughing at this.
Frum Satire can produce BT’s Funniest Home Videos with these ideas.
Why is it wrong to have veggie burgers with cheese?
Marcos
It is generally accepted to have veggie burgers with cheese. The Star-D (a branch of the Star-K)gives a chekshir to the Dunkin Donuts that serves this. I get a egg and cheese with veggie burger on a crosaunt. Don’t need to wash on a crosaunt.
Marcos,
I thought he meant let them think it’s a beefburger.
hi
48qdcsg7rrogbt2c
good luck
hi
48qdcsg7rrogbt2c
good luck
Tell them they need to have two separate garbage cans for Milchig and Fleishig
You mean 4. Also need 2 for Pesach.
Hehe lol, here is another one…
Convince a BT that it is an ancient old Sephardic (or Yeminite) minhag to wash their feet (al netilas reglayim) instead of their hands (netilas yadayim) before hamotzi.
As a self-hating BT (what can I say, I survived a year in Or Sameach), this is genius!
RE: Borat
Insist they say a bracha for the food they feed their pets, say all hamichya for the pet after meals, and asher yatzar when their pets go doody.
I am laughing at the responses so much but this one just cracked me up!!!!!
Zvi:
Tell them they need to have two separate garbage cans for Milchig and Fleishig
You forgot about the parve garbage can and also the recycle garbage can.
Of course, I must say that you, Hesh, got me laughing the most with this:
Tell them it is a custom to wish newly weds luck in the bedroom,
Okay…just got up from a nap.
1. Hesh – GEROUTTA MY HEAD!
2. Give a brand spanking new BT a little note pad and a pencil and some bizarre directions to some store room somewhere in the bowels of the shul/yeshiva and tell them they need to go and Count the Omer to see how many are there.
3. For women – a bracha must be said every time they open the fridge, thanking Ha’shem for giving us cold to keep our food fresh. Every Time.
4. As for peeling, one must say brach Ha’adama over the peels before tossing them out.
sorry regarding spelling
Geroutta = getoutta (no, it’s not a new word)
brach = bracha
Told you I just woke up.
I like the opening the fridge thing, but I think the joke should be:
Make a bracha- “V’yahi Or” on H’ establishing a new light each time you open the frdige door.
LOL AZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is nice of H to do that each time, as when we close the fridge, we do block out the light. Perhaps an apology upon closing is in order?
Actually, with all the foil in my fridge right now, I am blinded for a full 60 seconds after I close the thing. Then I accidently look at my stove top! Oy vey!
convince them that it is a big inyan to use mayim shelanu for negel vasser on erev pesach.
Still funny after all these years. And I’m a BT. So there.
After donating blood, should I say asher yatzar on my new bodily opening- the hole that the doctor created on my arm?
Of course – only a BT wouldn’t know the answer to that
sorry, but i found this offensive. i find most of your blogs funny, but this was crossing the line and hurtful. how is a bt supposed to learn when people like you are trying to hurt them and embarrass them?! i personally know a few people that were embarrassed out of becoming more observant, and although i couldn’t understand before, now i really feel for them because of this. please think before you do/post something like this again. thank you.
I’m a BT and I find this hilarious. How are BTs supposed to learn? By learning and by not being retards and taking upon themselves every chumra and custom they see!
of course they shouldn’t just take on everything they see, but if someone purposefully embarrasses them just because they aren’t as knowledgeable as some ffb then it can be really damaging! i’m not saying everyone would care, but for some people it’s a problem.
dude, I see BTs in my shul doing G-d knows what during davening, for years. Are they doing it because they don’t know? No! They’re doing it because they’re too freaking stupid to read the instruction in the Artscroll siddur which are on the same page! Being a BT doesn’t give you the excuse of not going and learning stuff yourself instead of sitting on your ass and waiting for the knowledge to appear.
hello! moshe, as a fellow bt I understand that you realize the importance of going out and learning as opposed to just sitting around waiting for information to appear, but that does NOT mean that you can just judge other people and try to embarrass them(not saying that you are, but I am saying that people can if they actually take this list seriously). Also, if you’ve seen these BTs making ‘mistakes’ why don’t you just let them know instead of letting them embarrass themselves further!
and also I just want to make it clear that although I get that this was all in humor, some people take things to heart. it really isn’t in the spirit of doing mitzvahs to try to embarrass other jews or to ridicule them for knowing less than you. k im done.
If I don’t make fun of stupid people, how would they ever learn?!
Hey I almost drank the mayim achronim! My first Shabbos at Chabad. Cruel Cruel joke! And I’m not just BT I’m a convert.
A good thing would be to have a BT stand near the front of the shul so that during L’cha Dodi, you could see how many people behind him don’t turn toward the door when he doesn’t.
lol reading all the comments. I know a Chabad rabbi who was once hosting a BT, and the BT was so nervous he was doing everything exactly like the rabbi. The rabbi took a bite of food, the BT took a bite. The rabbi wiped his mouth, the BT wiped his mouth. So the rabbi touched his ear, then his nose, then slid his hand around his head. The BT hesitated a little confused, then did the exact same thing. lol. It’s good to see other people in similar postions are just as nervous and trying just as hard, that’s what makes this post so comforting to BT’s and me–I’m not the only idiot in the world
Thank you FrumSatire guy!
I’m not going to weigh in on any of the opinions expressed here, except for one, which I’ll agree with. Hesh, your blog is many things, but “dry” or “satirical” it is not. That doesn’t mean it’s not funny (that is a matter of opinion), but I just don’t think those words mean what you think they mean. Perhaps “hodgepodge of sloppy observations” is a better way to describe the humor found here.
Hey I can’t be perfect – but I am curious as to how many posts you have read – for there are 1000’s, to judge from one post would be rather silly if you may…
Tell them that flushing their toilet on shabbos is forbidden because it carries stuff from rishus hayachid to rishus harabim,
I actually know a ger-to-be who holds by this. No one wants to invite him over on Shabbos for this very reason.
Not all that funny. Most of the “jokes” are so ridiculous that the BT would or should just tell you off. Or at least not respond.