A recent ad in one of the Frum Jewish Tabloids ahem…. newspapers read as follows:
“It just sort of happened over night, I went from regular old Joe, to a widely liked and sought after Yossi”
In the words of Yossi formerly known as Joe who changed his life by simply changing his head covering. Now you too can unlock the secrets and superpower of this magical sphere. Joe simply discovered that if he were to achieve true social status in life, he would have to change the only thing that really mattered.
“Before I switched to the black velvet head yarmulke, I was a nobody”
Yossi claims he was treated unfairly at the grocer, while numerous folks with black velvet were treated with the utmost of attention and service. He was second class with his suede and knit kipot. We have to agree… the abilities of black velvet are unsurpassed anywhere. It is like kryptonite for the Jew, it can raise the Jew higher then any other external item, even I may say that of a hat. Hats are not worn all the time, but yarmulkes are, and therefore arming yourself with the right material can be a make it or break it choice in the frum community.
“I was passed over when shidduchim were being redd by the scores to my friends and acquaintances”
Indeed one of the benefits of this yarmulke upgrade will be directly related to your marriage prospects. Not only will the grocer treat you better, the shadchun will look favorably upon you and send more girls your way. On our website we have more testimony and statistics to back up our findings. We have conducted a survey of 659 shadchunim worldwide* and found that nearly every one of them said that wearing a black velvet yarmulke greatly increased your chances of getting married. They claim that suede and knit can tell you a lot about a persons morals and frumness.
“It was so scary when I received the frightening boro-park stare, now I can walk through ultra orthodox neighborhoods unharmed and free of stone throwing mobs”
One of the most common fears realized amongst the non-black velvet wearers is that the children of the ultra orthodox or charedi families will have unending staring contests with you. Undoubtedly you will lose and fear when ever you see the swign of their small peyos jutting out of their shaved scalps- signaling the beginnings of what some have referred to as the Boro-Park Stare. Before Joe donned his black velvet disc that allowed him to retain his heimishe name- he was attacked by scores of eyes as he ate pizza on 13th avenue and shopped at the kollel store. He would sob in his sleep praying that he would not have to face the prying eyes of charedi children when he went to get pizza or ungers ketchup. Suddenly he took the advice of our ad and bought the black velvet yarmulke starters kit and was free of the terror that plagues suede and knit kipot wearers whenever they venture into charedi neighborhoods.
“This was the easiest self improvement I have ever done, I didn’t actually change anything about ME I just changed this black sphere I place on my head. Its actually quite interesting because I am not even very religious, I just wanted to be respected and treated the same and I like the timely service at Boro-Park pizza stores as well.”
From Yossi himself, the best way to become religious is to don one of these velvet wonders. You need not even believe in God, just believe in our idea and philosophy and of course follow the guidebook that we include in any purchase of our “first time wearers kit”, we will even throw in some black lined woolen tzitzis if this is your first time.
“I just don’t understand how this small Frisbee like head covering could change my whole social status. Where did its magical powers come from? Is it some sort of illusionists miracle? Maybe it is regional, and my status will be the same as before in far off places like Miami and Chicago? Will those foreign people treat me with the same dignity, or will they treat me as if I had never made the switch from suede and knit to velvet?”
These were some of Joe’s initial questions when deciding whether to make the change. He just couldn’t understand how the simple switch of materials while holding the same usage- could make such a difference. We understand the initial reactions, and try to give it a racial twist, almost that yarmulkes create classes of people within the frum community. Having grown up out of town Joe couldn’t understand this, but adjusted to his new home was difficult because of the yarmulke based segregation he found in the New York area.
Stay tuned for more of Frum Satires Black Velvet Week.
-->
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Dude, what the f is up with the title?
Dude I will change it can you please refrain from the cursing and the using of the N- word- other than that keep the comments coming
LOL. It’s sort of like my black velvet witch’s robe. It’s magic! It’s delicious! It’s so kewl!
Actaully though, my witch’s robe is like one of those big blanket-sized tallits too. I can hide in it.
it’s such a peaceful darkness, sigh
just another reason im glad i didnt live in ny
Liorah is it magically delicious like Lucky Charms?
The truth is that it works the other way as well. You see guys who grew up frum, went to yeshiva their whole life, never did the rebel thing, maybe they even learnt a year or two in kollel when they first got married. Then its time to make a parnassah and start integrating into the business world. Slowly but surely Mordy becomes Mark, Chaim transforms into Charles and they exchange the velvet dome for a suede frisbee. You see, the suede kippah is a much more pareve look. These fellas would never g-d forbid put on a sruggie!!! But the suede looks kinds keeps you nuetral. You’re no longer held to the higher standard that velvet keeps you at, but you can still send your kids to Torah Vadaas or Darchei Torah. Its the kippah way of stating “I’m just not getting involved….”. Tell me if you agree?
I completely agree Ice Horse- in fact I may use your comment as a post and give you some credit- Please watch your comments- it is rather annoying to delete and edit them- just tone it down a bit.
Go right ahead and post it. Trust me, I have plenty of schmutz in that sick disturbed mind of mine that you could post up. How about I email em to you and you could go ahead do your lil’ FCC thing on em and post some of them.
Dude I said I agree with you and now your bashing me- jeez whats a guy got to do?
All I asked was for you to stop cursing and telling people about the sexual things you do- thats all I ask. You can bash all you want as it does generate more comments and I like comments. But please leave out the cursing and sex.
Chill son, I wasn’t bashing you. Although I’m reading over my last comment and it doesn’t sound like I was saying it in a sarcastic tone. I didn’t mean it that way at all. I apologize if you seemed to take it in that direction. I don’t hate on FRUMSATIRE and I even share the same view as you with regard to most of what is posted on this site. When the case arises where I do disagree its an “agree to disagree” scenario. Although I may use vulgar language because that’s just who I am . I’m a sick sonnofabitch. Anyways peace and love to frumsatire.
frumbutwithit, i feel terribly sorry for you and i think you should get out of the blogoshpere as fast as you can. its full of shtuot and no good can come from being involved in it. well maybe depression, but im still in debate about whether its good for a person or not.
Well I guess its a good thing I dont read other peoples blogs that much- I write my stuff put it up and the rest is history- laughs and some good freelance writing jobs- and also a couple shidduch dates- so I guess lots of good has come.
totally ,black velvet yarmulka ,is a bklyn-far rk five town fashion staetment,as a matter of fact has nothing to do with frumkeit ,those yu types & the unpretentious losers from places like passaic are more frum than any of the previous.
No one really knows how frum anyone is? Do we know if they run a child pornography ring out of their basement? Or if they deal in the slave trade? Or if they shoot up heroine after a long day at yeshiva? No one really knows.