Let me get this straight- I am an equal oppurtunity basher, comic whatever your heart desires to call me. A few weeks ago I made fun of the JTS and then made fun of different sects within Modern Orthodoxy and yes I have to be getting to the charedim. First of all charedim are the easiest and most fun to poke fun at. Second of all they ACTUALLY do things like this. Third of all the ADL has been on my case for not giving each Jewish community equal time under the frum satire microscope. Hey if you have any other ones I can add them to the list.
Let me make it clear that I am not hating I am making people laugh. What good is a Jew that cant laugh at their own stupidity?
Glasses: glasses magnify an object and therefore they might be used to focus on untznius objects more clearly. Only reading glasses will be allowed.
Urinals: This should have been banned long ago, it allows for possible pornographic transgressions, when one looks to his neighbor.
Music: because it appears that anything to passionate will arouse someone.
Cities with beaches located within their city limits: coastal Israel is banned, including Bnai Brak due to its proximity to beaches, also Long Island as well as Brooklyn and Queens since pritzus lurks around. Miami now, why not these in a few months during a chumra lull?
Phones: actually during the old days the Rabbis wanted to ban them because it was feared that people would be able to speak loshon harah easily. Well guess what, its only time before phones will be banned. They allow for unsupervised talking to people of the opposite sex including all those goyishe operators and the credit card hot line ladies in India, where they worship sheitles.
Banks: Interacting with women is assur, and at the bank, the bullet proof mechitza is not enough, since it is see-through reminiscent of Lincoln Square synagogue. ATMS will still be allowed during the daylight hours- since after dark there is possibility of yichud.
Restaurants without mechitza’s: I cannot believe more restaurants other then Greens in Williamsburg have not instituted this as law. I mean weddings and bar mitzvahs have separate seating, why not the restaurant.
Public Restrooms: Because some one in the upper echelons owns shares in depends diapers or the fact that stall doors cannot always be locked and some folks may be aroused at the thought of a naked person sitting next to them doing their business.
Mattresses: Because sex is just for babies and it shouldn’t be that enjoyable at least for the women anyway.
Cars with manual transmission: Because bad thoughts may enter ones mind when handling the stick shift.
Mikvah: I don’t understand how they still have public mikvahs while they have realized that abuse and homosexuality exists within the frum community, these SHOULD be banned.
Tampons: need I say why?
Women cashiers: What if one day they didn’t slam your change down on the counter. Possible touching may occur causing bad thoughts.
Coca-Cola as well as whole milk: The bottle’s red color is untznius. Maybe New Square and Golden Flow will have to change the whole milk color of red to black. Because balck and white means a person is whole.
Stairs: Ever notice that when a person walks up the stairs their outfit becomes tighter. Especially women, their skirts may reveal that they are in fact women, and it may be possible to make out an ankle underneath the bullet proof stockings. I propose ramps o a slight incline to be determined by scientists as which angle will allow optimum rise versus less tightening of the clothing.
Escalators without mechitza’s: What if you were going down and saw a woman in a short skirt going up? Such nisroynos should never have to occur.
Coed airplane flights: Hey why should we allow the sexes to sit together on airplane flights? First of all what happens when the lights are turned down and it becomes all romantic. It is possible for your seat mate to lean her/his head on your shoulders by accident. You may have to “talk” to a women chas vashalom.
Women from kissing the mezuzah: When they kiss it they raise their hands in a very untznius way and that should be assur.
Ice cream: Because licking your lips is so sexual even when half a tofutti cutie is lodged between the person’s teeth. Oh and white cream is saved for making children.
Chairs for women: They should ban chairs, because when women sit down you can see that legs lie underneath their robes. I propose slanted chairs that cause women to lean on them making it much more tznius.
Robes: Robes might be replaced by garbage bags in the future. This comes from an inside source and we are waiting for the official announcement.
Summer camp: Based on previous chumras the goal has been to ban fun, summer camps are way too much fun. They are also notorious places for child molestation, which should be banned too- because apparently its fun.
Why hasn’t Craigslist officially been banned? Or is the internet ban a sweeping ban. Funny because in the Hamodia many of the advertisements feature email addresses and websites.
Envelopes: Licking is very seductive.
Windows: Looking at the shmutz walking down the street, a shonda.
Williamsburg: They say it’s the new hipster and artist capital of the city, not a good place for frum yidden to be.
Summer: PRITZUS- maybe the charedim will build a ghetto in the arctic, where no pritzus can ever exist.
Calculators: Internet access may be possible.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
“Urinals: This should have been banned long ago, it allows for possible pornographic transgressions, when one looks to his neighbor.”
Or in some cases, jealousy.
“Summer: PRITZUS- maybe the charedim will build a ghetto in the arctic, where no pritzus can ever exist.”
Remember in TIUNY, when they banned looking out the window?
Yeh I remember when shabbos in the summer rolled around and everyone would check out the hotties out the windows- how about those chicks that used to sunbathe across the street from Rabbi D’s shuir room- those were the days.
Yeah, and that shit-head hypocrite of a dorm counselor would come around and try to bust us gawking at the ladies. After he sent his lil’ list to Rav Baruch to get us all “kenassed” he would proceed to go up to his own room on the 3rd floor and pleasure himself.
Wow all this TIUNY talk makes me mad!!!!!! Seriously we should burn that dreadful Yeshiva to the ground with all the Rabbis and arragont Beis Medrash guys inside. Ok, there were actually a few good rabbis there. But I’m sure that off the record they would even tell you how much that Yeshiva blew in every way possible!
Ok buddy save the TIUNY comments for the TIUNY forum on facebook or elsewhere on this site- give me some REAL feedback or I will begin deleting comments.
u tell em son.
Hey you have any other bans or chumras you think should be added
Headphones: so the oilam knows what you’re listening to. Otherwise there may be a great tayveh to listen to something shmutzy.
Jeans: Because walking around in the nude was never considered muttar.
Damn straight- this is quite true- thats why nude stockings should be banned as well- I never understood the legality of the whole seem heter- it just makes no sense.
I was once told that my “nude” stockings were not tznius and that I go and put on some “opac leggings.” I also think that any shoes that have a heel or show any ankle should be banned. They reveal too much leg, and the heel makes the woman taller than she is in turn making her skirt shorter than it really should be.
Yeh I also dislike heels- a little jappy for me the whole pointy heels faze- I think women should only be allowed to own 3 pairs of shoes at any given time.
In my sect, everyone will wear hazmat suits specially equipped with skirts for the women.
Dude that was quiet funny- maybe we can all have sex through glory holes in the suites or maybe we will do it demolition man style without any penetration at all. Hazmat suits very clever my friend.
Shaven Heads should be assur for women. It’s now chukas hagoy. Check out Brittney Spears.
And let us not forget that in Buddhist countries it is part of the “religion” to shave their heads- think if we burned wigs for merely being used as idol worship- but we still let people imitate the idol worshipers themselves such apikorsos.
first of all, how do the women get away with shaving their heads arent they supposed to be at lease 1/4 bit of attractive? the women of mitzrayim were rewarded for looking in the mirrors! and also, Al Pi a very elite rebbetzen who wants to become a rebbe, the “N” word does not belong here on a page where you are mentioning stockings. i dont want to ever see such a bad word again.
We need to get back to TIUNY……..
Dude go to youube and search for tiuny- its mad funny
those videos are great . how bored are those kids, locked up in that building, with no chics and nothing to do ??? We need another blog or web site or some other forum for everyone’s TIUNY memories to be posted. I’m sure there are a billion untold true stories about that place.
I love this site!!!! On the hair issue-didn`t Rabbi Akiva`s wife sell her hair so he could continue learning? OY! A SHONDA!!! She had HAIR????
have you been on an elal flight to or from isreal? i have had to change my seat numerous times so that some chosid wouldnt have to sit 2 seats away from me only to b put next to some guy on his way to his first zman in yeshiva who couldnt care less who he sat next to…
Radios should be assur. It’s a Kli shemachzis tumah, with all the shmutz on goyesh and chiloini radio stations, therefore the whole kli is tamey.
Dude that list is huge I have not looked at this post in ages, thanks for bringing it back.
Radios must have been banned already, I mean even in my modern ortho black hat yeshiva we were sort of allowed to listen to the radio but only with headphones.
They banned looking out of the windows at my school, because they were worried the school would get a bad rep if people walked by and saw GIRLS looking out of windows…
I did go to a super-frummie school though…
What’s wrong with craigslist?
I know this is a long time after this article was posted but I feel compelled to relate this. A girl told me that she was drinking from a water bottle and a “frum” man told her father that he should not allow her to drink from water bottles becuase it is not tznious.
Anon, there was a rabbi in a girls school that shall go nameless who pushed for the girls to have only tight long sleeves because “other teachers might try to look down the sleeve when they raised their hands”….