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Lubavitchers are the coolest Chasids: Thats why many frum folks hate them

Lets face the facts Lubavitchers are the coolest Chasidim, maybe this is why they are hated so much: My list of the reasons why they rock

They embrace the internet and use it for good, rather then casting it off as evil

Lubavitch girls are the hot

Lubavitch girls dont dress so frummie

Lubavitch girls have cool hobbies and they are extremely active

Matisyahu can kick Lipa Shmeltzers ass any day

They are the only large Chasidic sect that communicates in English

They dont speak in yeshivish lingo

They dont only make brown foods for shabbos

770 is like one big frat party

Free places to stay around the globe

Great kiddushes, not just kichel and herring

The erev shabbos kugel and cholent store in Crown Heights

The girls are aloud to learn gemara

The girls are smart and witty


Diverse yarmulke styles black, brown, navy and red velvet and cloth as well

The Rebbe had the wickedest thumb dip of all the Rebbes

Meshichists are hilarious and bring life to any party

The inner Lubavitcher politics is way cooler then the whole Satmar and Bobov situation

Messianic Jews who wouldve thought

Did I mention that Lubavitch girls are the hottest of them all

The messiest and shlumpiest of men can be rest assured they will get a hot wife

The women dont have to wear those stupid turbans

They also dont have to shave their heads

They dont deny their pasts like many BTs

Sukkah mobiles can pimp out the worst of cars

Lubavitchers have hobbies and interests other then banning things

They dont feel the need to ban something every week

Can you pass the Mashka

Chabad houses have good reading material

Campus chabad houses have hot chicks and free food

Making fun of meshichists provides one with hours of entertainment

Turf wars between Aish and Chabad are rather interesting

Lubavitchers let women speak to men and even have mixed seating at events

Lubavitch girls dont wear bulletproof stockings

Shachris at 11:00 may seem early to some (yes I know all Chasidim rock the late minyanim)

Lubavitchers have not banned post high school education for girls yet

They havent banned denim skirts either and they all wear the black leather hooker boots

Jewish geography with Lubbies is hilarious

Calling out Mendy or Mushkie to a crowd of children is awesome

They are all inbred and married to each other

Some of them even use veggies like spinach and collards

They have invented something called a cholent bar

Organized is a bad word

They have human hair sheitles

The men dont have to rock the long peyos

Lubavitchers that shave their beards off are not automatically discharged as heretics

Non-religious or modern Jews are considered apikorsim

They always have secular magazines and newspapers lying around

All Lubavitch shulls have English translated books

Baal Shemtov stories are rockin

They dont force you to take useless books when you give them tzedaka

They dont send you Chanukah wicks and charoset year after year to try and schnor off of you

Why Lubavitchers annoy me: For some reason this list does not apply to the Capitol district Chabad so much

Cant you have a damned artscroll or non-tehilat Hashem siddur?

How about some ashkenaz prayer books?

Messianic orthodox Jews?

Pick some different names already

Ok, please talk about some other non-Lubavitcher Rebbes

Yo whats the deal with all the hotties only marrying Lubavitch guys? Not fair

Cholov yisroel, come on

We need some new niggunim

Whats the deal with using the N word all the time? (not the local Albany Lubbies by the way)

I want to marry a Lubavitch girl, hook me up

Why cant Lubavitchers teach in Bais Yaakovs, so the girls turn out interesting and fun to talk to?

No processed foods on Pesach

Not even Gebrokts jeez

Why cant they just throw all the Yechi wackos out of 770 already?

Whats the deal with the crushed hat look?

Ok, we know your cool, how about some different clothing colors for the men?

Streimels are way cooler then crushed hats you know

Did I mention that I am jealous of Lubavitchers because all the girls are hot while we misnagdem are stuck wth jappy Bais Yaakov girls and the Stern crowd

How about a new Rebbe eh?











{ 76 comments… add one }
  • January 28, 2007, 6:37 AM

    The messiest and shlumpiest of men can be rest assured they will get a hot wife.

    Oy. So true, just having a discussion about this.

  • January 28, 2007, 7:24 AM

    Did somebody say Matisyahu?

    …And yes, the preceeding has been yet another shameless self-promotion.

  • January 28, 2007, 11:32 AM

    I thought your list was hilarious. As a non-lubavitcher who goes to a Chabad shul that has no black hatters except for the rabbi and the Yeshiva guys who come to help; I can attest to many of these things. And I’m proud to say that I too can rock the denim skirts with hooker boots.

    Oh, and I wish they’d throw the wackos out of 770 too.

  • January 28, 2007, 5:08 PM

    All I said was that Matisyahu can kick some Lipa Shmeltzer ass- it was more of a battle of the chasidic superstars that is all. I am not recommending either or. Truthfully I prefer the Marvelous Midos Machine.

    Oh and Lubavitch girls are mad hot!!!

  • January 28, 2007, 5:28 PM

    This was awesome. Just awesome.

  • January 28, 2007, 6:51 PM

    Lipa Smelzer sucks- his one hit wonder with the take off of a wimo-wack is just lame.

  • January 28, 2007, 7:02 PM


    And I just bought myself a pair of those black leather hooker boots…

  • January 28, 2007, 8:00 PM

    Avraham Fried rocks, Boruch Nachshon can paint amazing artworks. Chabad supports Jewish settlements, too.

    On theo ther hand- we gotta clean up 770. It’s not just about the yellow-flags, the place smells like old cholent.

  • January 28, 2007, 8:38 PM

    Um, I was under the impression that the Rebbe was very much against higher education for the veibelach.

    • N Rules February 7, 2012, 10:13 PM

      Not once they are married

  • January 28, 2007, 9:14 PM

    Honest to G-d,this really happened to me…I was in 770 and there was this pile of shit right there on the steps leading down the bathrooms…I was like”o.k jacob,no more herb for you”.Problem was,I havent done that stuff in years so I wasnt trippin’

    Is that possible?

  • January 28, 2007, 9:39 PM

    Ayelet, thats not so simple. Beleive it or now, the Rebbe actually would give a bracha to about 50 percent of the people (boys or girls) who asked.

    I dont know why he would say yes to some and no to others,. but there were many many people who got yes’s.

  • January 29, 2007, 9:24 AM

    The only reason I mentioned that was that not being a Lubavitcher myself I do know of many Lubaviotcher girls who attend, Touro, Stern and Queens college and they are all frum girls so I assumed they werent being rebelious.

  • January 29, 2007, 9:28 AM

    Jac on `Crack, first of all its actually not hard to believe I was at 770 twice. Onc`e for the Rebbes Funerael and once for my buddies oof-roof. With the drunken madness oblivious to even the hottest Lubavitch girls with the shortest skirts and the tightest shirts the drunken smirnof filled men couldnt care less about some dog-shit. They care about simcha and happiness purely. Thats what makes them so much cooler and fun then all other Chasidim besides maybe Bresslovers. The Lubbies embrace mitzvos out of love and respect and yes fear should be in there to. B ut unlike other chsidim which ban something new every day they do NOT base all of their lives on fear. FEAR based mitzvos are real bad in my book, it means you really dont want to do it but rather have been forced by your community or sect.

  • January 29, 2007, 11:46 AM

    Where do i sign up and become a Lubob, i can use some Lubavitch ass. i can totally rock lubavitch style with the rest of them, all i need to do is grow a lil messed up beard and start shopping at banana republic with tzitzis hanging out of my 100 dollar shirt. Oh yeh, and i can drink if neccessary.

  • January 29, 2007, 1:35 PM

    “Non-religious or modern Jews are considered apikorsim”

    Did you mean ‘are not’?

  • January 29, 2007, 5:17 PM

    I meant NOT you are correct.

  • January 29, 2007, 10:31 PM

    Chulent bar?

    Please tell me that was a joke.

  • January 30, 2007, 8:16 AM

    Whats a chulent bar?

  • January 30, 2007, 8:04 PM

    chulent bar- 1 fleish,1 veg, wet and dry so thats 4 and if its a real simcha then a morrocan one as well

  • January 30, 2007, 8:25 PM

    Shabbos house represents with the chulent bar. I happen to only like the regular chulents but for some reason this past shabbos the two regular chulents were much better. I would say it was due to their smaller crockpots.

  • January 30, 2007, 11:04 PM

    This is hillarious. Well written. It’s amazing how many girls want the hooker boots and the short denim skirts. It only bolsters my old belief, that behind every frum prude in flatbush, is some repressed whore ready to let it all go.

  • January 31, 2007, 8:23 AM

    Richard this is why the terms sheitle hooker was coined by Frum-Satire and Hot-Channie by Ask Shifra

  • January 31, 2007, 8:33 AM

    Sheitle Hooker walkin down the street, Sheitle hooker the kind Id like to meet, Ohhh pretty frummy.

  • January 31, 2007, 6:06 PM

    Heh, this list is hysterical. Nice.

  • February 7, 2007, 9:28 PM

    Get a life and stop being obssessed with ‘hot’ girls…start looking for pnimiyus and maybe you’ll find a shidduch. Or do you not know what pnimiyus is??? Man, you got me so mad!

  • February 7, 2007, 9:47 PM

    Everyone is obsessed with hot girls. You may be pissed off because you are either not hot or not Lubavitch. Or maybe you have PMS, or maybe you have something up your tuchus. Or maybe you are a frummy who didnt read the name of the site. Frum Satire damnit!!

  • February 27, 2007, 7:36 PM

    let me tell you something.
    the list is fun, but the “modern dressed” lubavitcher girls with “hooker leather boots” DOES NOT RESPRESENT lubavitch.
    the rebbe was REALLY hurt about the situation (back then it was only the beggining) and fought against it.
    every one has a ietzer hora and guys ietzer likes the hotties…… but thats a sad situation that has to be cleaned up (like the wackos…yellow flagers…) and its NOT something to cheer!

  • February 27, 2007, 7:44 PM

    I agree with you 100%, except that the list was more for fun than seriousness. I have posted in the past about my positive and negative feelings towards Lubavitchers- I love them to death, and wish I were one, minus the beards and keeping cholov yisroel- I pretty much am. I wor for them, live with them, learn with them and daven with them. I dont mean them in a bad way by the way.

    It is a problem that although they are classified as black hat- the girls and women dress very modern, with tight clothing and such. I love it because I am horny guy who happens to think the world of Lubbie girls in terms of their intellect and off the beaten path hobbies, and looks- but I too am turned off at the same time- by people who do not practice what they preach.

  • March 13, 2007, 12:27 PM

    I have never experienced the hot girls of Lubavitch. All the women are pregnant, 65+ years old, 5 years old, or ugly at the Chabad house where I live.

  • March 13, 2007, 1:11 PM

    Well you just may be out of luck- because I have visited chabbad houses all across the nation and repeatedly the daughters of shliachs are hot- the hottest girls are located in Crown Heights of course. Oh and I may just be comparing to the rest of the frum girl population which is on a whole much less hot then Lubavitcher girls- as a side note Lubob girls tend to also have better personalities, higher intellect and much more wordly then other frum girls- adding top their hotness.

    • shmuel April 23, 2010, 1:28 AM

      what have your interactions been with them?

  • March 13, 2007, 6:04 PM

    Have you been to the chabbad house in Milwaukee, WI? That’s where I live.

  • March 13, 2007, 8:10 PM

    It happens to be that Milwaukee is in the path of the heavily polluted prevailing winds of Chicago and Gary’s industrial nastiness- this causes the women of your specific city to lack the same qualities as the women of the chabbad houses of – Albany, Syracuse, Alaska, Seattle, Rochester, Toronto, Montreal, NYC, Miami, and Phoenix. I am sorry for your unfortunate situation.

  • March 14, 2007, 2:22 PM

    True that!

  • March 14, 2007, 3:38 PM

    The lubavith women are smokin’

  • March 14, 2007, 11:28 PM

    Be careful of waht you say about the Chabd House in Milwaukee WI I have been known to daaven there and I consider myself to be an attractive young lady!

  • March 15, 2007, 7:57 AM

    Of course you did realize I was joking around and that I have never actually been to the chabad in Milwaukee actually I have driven to every single state and never stepped foot in the city of Milwaukee imagine that.

  • April 7, 2007, 3:06 PM

    What I love about Lubavitch.
    What I hate about Lubavitch.
    NEIL KAPLAN ! why does he get her?

  • April 22, 2007, 12:30 AM

    Dude… What are you talking about. Capital District Chabad isn’t an exception. I’m frum today because of a massive crush I had on a certain Delmar shliachs daughter. Though it never paned out, she’d be a great catch. Too bad there’s the whole unwritten rule about FFB Chabad girls not being allowed to date BT guys. Oh, there’s also the problem of the fact that I blew it in 8th grade when I creeped her out. Oh well…

    btw… I initially saw this post as a fwd I got by email from a friend with no connection to you. Your stuff is starting to get around. Go you!

  • April 23, 2007, 10:54 PM

    I live in the Heights,about a block away from the Big House. My kvetch-I`ve been to simchas everywhere-Viznitz,Pupa(the Rebbe`s family!),Satmar-they`re all down with Reb Shlomo`s niggunim.Not the Lubovs-at least most of the recent simchas I`ve been to. Do I smell a little jealousy that he didn`t stick with Lubavitch? Hmm? One Lubavitcher minhag I like- you can eat before davening! cartoon- Two gay guys driving past 770. One turns to his friend and exclaims, Ooooh, check out all the BEARS! -Did you get that? Shame on YOU!!!

  • Lubavitcher August 15, 2007, 1:41 AM

    there is more to us than just hot chicksand btw i only went to chabad school and we learnt chovos halevavos and some mesilas yeshorim i found it really intresting but is pathetic to base ur iras and ahavas hahsem and fullfilment of the mitzvos just on fear of the world to come and all that stuff that says there have a good one.. im enjoying ur blog by the way.u guys are such snag is incredible 😉

  • Rach February 21, 2008, 10:24 AM

    Haha, love this, but you forgot to mention the weddings are awesome, they are the funnest weddings in town, everyone goes totally crazy, esp the bochurim

  • Chaya M. February 21, 2008, 10:58 AM

    Wow this post was amazing, why did I never see it. Hesh, you have a keen eye, and yes Lubavitch girls are the smartest and hottest, amen to that.

  • Authors Brother February 21, 2008, 11:25 AM

    Lubbies rock and the best red flag for me while dating is when someone hates them- it bugs me to no avail. Fine you disagree with their philosophy- no need to launch into a full on attack. Talk about sinas chinam.

  • Heshman February 21, 2008, 2:05 PM

    Wow Rach digging through my archives are we- glad you gals liked the post- it was very complimentary after all- yes immature- but still flattering.

  • Rach February 21, 2008, 7:46 PM

    gals? hmmmm Hesh look who’s using ‘teeny bopper’ language now?

  • Anonymous February 21, 2008, 10:33 PM

    Actually Rach gals is more of a southern or even redneck term.

  • sheva February 28, 2008, 9:19 PM

    Top 10 reasons you will become Lubavitch in the next 10yrs…..
    1.The beard is inevitable due to male laziness and Omer. So why not skip the yearly itchy growth stubble and make the full time commitment !
    2. We now have burgundy kippot!
    3. Your wife will never make you push a shlumpy graco like stroller. Yes you’ll have to shell the cash out for the bugaboo or whatever is the newest sleek Swiss model out, but you won’t feel like a shlimazel pushing the newest baby pink teddy bear and balloon motif stroller around.
    4. Not only are the girls hot, but we are smart, well spoken, assertive, artistic, awesome chefs, career minded and educated, stylish and tznius ( because Anthrpologie rocks) and can do all this run a Chabad house raise many children and still have time to worry if the neighbor lights Shabbos candles.
    5. Did i mention there is now Cholov Yisroel nacho sauce they don’t even have that Cholov Stam. Think about it creamy nacho goodness and the all the happy neshama benefits of Cholov Yisroel. Whooo hooo thats worth giving up Hershey !
    6. Not only do the men wear different colors, but have you seen the wide knot tie pink Shabbos shirt and karppota look. Well all i have to say is Shizaaam!
    7 . Crushed hat , not. First of all that is a patented 3 pinch that can not be replicated. And if your hat always looks crushed, you don’t care if it gets rained on, so you don’t have to wear a special rain hat cover or a grocery bag to cover you precious 10 gallon snag hat that is 40 feet tall and is balancing on the very back of your head. ( sorry if you wear one of these i love 10 gallon hats really i do )
    8. Pesach is really a cleansing. Who would of thought peeling everything, eating lemon flavored everything, and matzah that taste like the box only burnt, would cleanse your system so nicely. Trust me it really does a number on you. I swear in a good way yah in a good way trust me.
    9. One word only “Mendy Pellin”! Don’t know Mendy Pellin, whats wrong with you. Check out Chabad news online. Thats all i will reveal.
    10. Lubuv girls are hot! Not because we wear boots and denim but because the spark of the Rebbe is seen through all of us. Us Lubavitchers are the Rebbe’s children. You can say its the clothes the Sheitels but when it comes down to its a spark in all of our eyes because we devote our lives to Jews all Jews, we learn and then live it and help others live it, this is what the Rebbe wanted. There is a beauty in someone that devotes their life to others. I see it everyday from China to Montana and every Chabad house in between. That is the reason trust me not the boots.
    ( i live in Baltimore so if anyone needs a Shabbos meal let me know because i cook in all colors not just brown.)

  • heshman February 28, 2008, 11:35 PM

    I always come to Baltimore- cool community- ok Can I publish this comment in a post- it is awesome.

  • menashe February 29, 2008, 12:16 AM

    The beauty of chabad is why I was mkarev to it to begin with. Nobody has changed this world in the past generation quite like Chabad has. Making Hashem a dira b’tachtonim in every (kosher) way shape or form.

    “As his children are alive, so is he alive.” May the Rebbe continue to lead and inspire us all the way to bvias Moshiach Tzidkeinu, miyad mamosh.

  • sheva February 29, 2008, 12:53 PM

    sure you can post it. Also i did link to you in my blog post i just didn’t highlight the link but i fixed it.
    Good Shabbos!

  • Rivka March 26, 2008, 1:02 PM

    Its true, chabad rocks! I don’t know if you’ve been to CH recently but the guys might dress even more stylishly than the woman, at least the Geje guys. The shmumpier the dressed, the more BT they are, usually. Only Chabad guys can rock the beards and the garb and make it look GQ. Thats probably why the Chabad girls are marrying them. I would take a straggly bearded Chabad guy, over a clean shaven snag any day!

    Yechi Hamalka!

  • heshman March 26, 2008, 1:07 PM

    Well I am a shlumpy shave once a week semi-snag. Semi snag by the fact I prefer hanging with chabadnicks over everyone else- but am not willing to go non-gebrokts and cholov yisroel

  • Rivka March 26, 2008, 1:17 PM

    Dude, I hate to break it to you, but if you know the term snag, then you are not a snag. You can join us, and not go all the way. I’m modern Chabad, I’ll only eat hand made shmura matza on pesach, but I’m a closet matza wetter. And while I will only use cholov yisroel things in my home, I would never turn down a reeses peanutbutter cup.

  • heshman March 26, 2008, 1:22 PM

    The only real issue is my love of Ben and Jerry in purely heterosexual terms. I bust out mad lubbie terms and play some Lubbie geography I even have a first cousin who is a shliach

  • Rivka March 26, 2008, 1:26 PM

    We got Cholov Yisroel B&J’s in Israel… But I’ll totally sneak in the “treif” Dublin Mudslide.

  • stacy March 26, 2008, 3:28 PM

    lubabs definitely rock however i have yet to see one that looks gq and seriously the whole straggly beard thing was never hot

    other than that that lubbies are definitely some of the nicest people i know

  • Anonymous April 24, 2008, 11:39 AM

    What is wrong with the Milwaukee girls?

    The issue is all of the girls are on shlichus somewhere or in sem.

    That is why they are not seen.

  • Hesh April 24, 2008, 10:56 PM

    Its good they are on shlichus, it makes my road trips a whole lot better, besides for the ones who were in Alaska while I was there , uch!

  • YinYangYuju June 2, 2008, 10:21 AM

    The reason Lubavitch girls are hot is not because of their physical appearance but because of their attitude. This attitude can be picked up by anyone; all it requires is a little bit of selflessness and a desire to party.

  • s(b.) June 2, 2008, 11:49 AM


  • Anonymous June 26, 2008, 8:51 AM

    >>Lubuv girls are hot! Not because we wear boots and denim but because the spark of the Rebbe is seen through all of us. Us Lubavitchers are the Rebbes children. You can say its the clothes the Sheitels but when it comes down to its a spark in all of our eyes because we devote our lives to Jews all Jews, we learn and then live it and help others live it, this is what the Rebbe wanted. There is a beauty in someone that devotes their life to others. I see it everyday from China to Montana and every Chabad house in between. That is the reason trust me not the boots

    That’s a bit much. This paragraph ironically illustrates what it is about Lubavitch that so many outside of Lubavitch find positively irksome, if not more. There is not a chassidus or “snag” group which looks at their leader in such a fashion. And before one attempts to spin this fault out of proportion, let me remind you that, objectively speaking, this is not suggestive of the rebbe’s greatness, per se.

  • Redhead June 26, 2008, 10:18 AM

    I second Annonymous! Us Lubav girls shine because we walk in the Rebbe’s footsteps. YingYang – our attitude is one of having a set goal – shlichus, bringing Moshiach, (having fun while doing so) etc. It’s determination that causes our cool attitude.

  • heshman June 26, 2008, 10:30 AM

    What about walking in the steps of the Alter Rebbe- he was so much more bad ass then the previous Rebbe- at least from his main picture in the tanya.

  • Phil August 6, 2008, 9:05 PM

    “True” Lubabs are totally cool, wannabees suck. I grew up and still live in a lubab community, send my kids to school there, although I am a bit more of the modern type. BTW, I went to a lubab reject school near Albany (Troy) during the late eighties, run in part by Rabbi Rubin (very cool guy).

  • Frum Satire August 6, 2008, 9:16 PM

    Rabbi Rubin is da man- first dude to get me to learn gemara after I got out of yeshiva- 10 years later.

  • Phil August 6, 2008, 9:29 PM

    Very cool Rabbi, totally not judgemental as many others are. I knew his late father as I’m a Montrealer, he shows up here every now and thenprobably for the yartzeit.

  • the sabra August 22, 2008, 4:17 AM

    Yo hesh, I would be careful about knockin down girls while mentioning which city you were visitin.

    “brown foods for shabbos” ??? LOLL

  • BT April 13, 2009, 2:01 PM

    I’m not so impressed with the hooker boots. I’m a BT, and I’m used to people acting like they dress, so to speak. Hooker boots seem to make promises that can’t be kept.

  • Frum Satire April 13, 2009, 5:46 PM

    Me neither they cover up too much leg

  • u forgot one thing December 29, 2009, 10:30 PM

    this should be at the top of the list

    SIMCHA BEIS HASHOEVA is AWESOME!!! and Piamenta too., Simcha’s Torah, Lag Ba’Omer Parade when it’s on a sunday, and a whole lot more

  • Anonymous December 26, 2011, 4:23 PM

    ALLOWED< NOT aloud~!!!!

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