I went out with this girl this past Monday night and the date went great. Great as in entertainment and fun, yet I had absolutely nothing in common with her. Not only did we not click in interests she had certain interests which were like the antithesis to my interests, IE running at the gym, watching TV and little interest in the outdoors. My dreams of a woman who felt a good date was a 15 mile jaunt through the woods went out the window almost immediately. On the bright side I did get to spend $35.30 on some entertaining conversation about how good and exciting it was to live in the vibrant singles community known as Washington Heights as well as learning the inside scoop on the happenings at the Mount Sinai shull which I have rated as the best place to check out the chicks due to their perfectly placed mechitza, that allows ongoing ogling without straining your neck. I had the perfectly battered four piece fish stick meal with some decent yet mushy fries. She had the mushroom lovers sandwich, which looked rather tasty and judging by her quiet yet content chewing she enjoyed it almost as much as I enjoyed looking at the curious brown and grey matter wedged between two pieces of thin roll, situated next to a bunch of salad greens with light oily dressing that was obviously judging from its viscosity a balsamic vinaigrette of some sort.
We sat in the dim light of Makor a trendy singles establishment on west 67th street on the Upper West side. Decent food, if not for our poor seat placement it could have been great people watching, in fact it would have been a perfect place to hone our spy skills as we tried to make out what each of the several dates were talking about. My date fondled the two tea light candles placed in clear glasses when we had finished our food, but did not yet want to leave due to some amplified laughter filled conversation. The talk was smooth and it remained free of those pesky awkward silences. No I did not see her as a potential marriage partner and no she did not see me as one either, but I had just splurged 35 bucks on this meal and was going to get the entertainment that I so rightly deserved. She did entertain me with her categories of guys and the saga of how she obtained her Facebook account, first through a friend and then through her sister until she finally broke down and did what thousands of people have been doing everyday to keep up with Jewish Geography much faster then Onlysimchas ever could have. Facebook can knock down Onlysimchas in a second in the Jewish geography wars.
And so we sat fiddling with our water glasses way after I had paid the small black check thing that saves the embarrassment of how much you just paid to have a conversation with someone you don’t know, and probably will never see again. Long after the water had been drained out of our glasses into our digestive systems to start breaking down the over priced meal we had just eaten, the waitress ever so silently kicked us out. So much for pleasantries eh?
I drove my date back to the heights already tired enough to see glaring in the lamps on the Henry Hudson Parkway and dropped her off with the cop out line that we will rock it shadchun style. Meaning I don’t want to reject you right here, so I will holler at the shadchun and give her my reasons to tell you. The next day we rocked it shadchun style with our mutual friend who had set us up. Yes I understood why she set us up and no I had nothing in common with her and didn’t want to go out again. Ok the girl liked me and felt the same way, though she did throw in that it had been quite the entertaining date, good boost that ego honey, I like that. So I was essentially conned into giving it another shot when I had already made up my mind that I couldn’t date this girl. Shadchuns have this persuasive power over their clients and can push you into more dates when it so clearly wouldn’t work out. I feel like shadchns all take tips from used car dealers, maybe that’s because all the big used car dealerships are owned by Jews and have a comrade type relationship with the local shadchunim, in Albany its Goldstein cars.
Why did I agree to another date? Because the person who set us up felt that the girls feelings would be hurt since she had a good time, I took the sucker punch and also felt bad. I dreaded calling her knowing that this was wrong and a lead on but did so anyway at the behest of the shadchun. We played phone tag and finally tonight we spoke. Good conversation, but before I could bust out the inevitable second date just to get it over with, she busted in with “what’s the deal with doing it shadchun style?” Cant we just be adults. Now she was speaking my language, she went on further and rather bluntly saying my exact feelings that another date would be a waist of time and that we had nothing in common and so on. Oh the febreeze was flowing, the fresh air was upon me and I was incredibly impressed with this girl, who in fact had read my previous posting about the pre-date jitters from a thread on Jrants.com yet had no idea it was me weird eh. So anyway we talked about the fact that this was a dead end date and there was no point in pursuing it any further. I felt so relieved and happy at the same time at this girls bluntness, I tend to be blunt but with old age I have grown accustomed to holding my thoughts inside my thick skull due to their tendency to offend because of their abrasive nature. Its not like I can just bust out the fact that I don’t want to date the girl again to her face- that’s just too awful. What if the girl was one of the sorts that was old- she wasn’t- but if she was and had been out on hundreds of dates- even though they do get to eat pretty much for free every time minus a few bucks in makeup- she would have felt hurt and rejected and I don’t want to be responsible for some chick overdosing on sleeping pills because the frum community has put her on the shelf due to her old age.
If only more girls and guys could be his up front with their dates and just bust out the fact that it’s a stale mate and there’s no point to go any further. If only the matchmaker would be able to see when there is no potential. Understandably many shadchuns try to push for a second date, and this is fine, but there are many circumstances when it is pointless and only causing more tzaras for a moot point to be made.
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Lucky for you,she was upfront about not going out again,otherwise you would have wasted another day.
Methinks perhaps you can remain platonic friends?Chicks that speak their mind are hard to find,maybe she knows someone for you?
I have to agree with Jake Da Snake. Girls never speak their mind. They always beat around the bush and drag on relationships until they should have been ended long ago. My congrats on telling us this great story and putting it out their so other girls can learn a lesson.
haha shadchan style. Althought i totally think it on my dates but never tell a girl that up front, its pretty much as you say ‘not gonna happen’. Isnt it great this shadchan thing, they do the dirty work and tell the date that no 2nd date is neccessary so we dont havta tell her the truth. If i like the gal, i pretty much as her up front. good thing im totally anonymous on here so they dont know my strategy.
I think that the using of Shachan (beyond the initial introduction) should be outlawed. It allows people to act like babies and to hide. As I always says, yes sometimes its quite uncomfortable, but really you have to learn how to turn someone down in a nice way, and also how to accept rejection. Its just part of being an adult human being and the process of actually discussing it and talking it out with another human being is quite character building. I hate how the shidduch system has warped people into thinking that going through some sort of 3rd party is ok. It isn’t. At the end of the date the guy has 3 options: 1) tell the girl he had a nice time and he would like to see her again 2) tell the girl she is very nice and it was nice to meet her but he doesn’t see it going anywhere (i.e. he doesn’t find her attractive, or I could put it another way, but I’m still a newbie here, so I’ll keep it clean for now) or 3) Can I give you a call? which either means, I want to dump you but feel uncomfortable doing it right here and now, so I will take the coward’s way out and do it over the phone, or I want to ask you out again, but I have a feeling you are going to reject me so I would rather have you do it over the phone, than do it in person.
So is this really that bad? Can you not just man up and do it?
Going through a Shadchan: Not ok.
Not saying anything at the end of the date and just falling off the planet and never calling the girl: also not ok.
But as one of my friends likes to say, dating turns even the gentelmen into jerks. It doesn’t have to be this way, I say. You guys can change the world one man at a time. Treat someone how you would like to be treated. Don’t leave someone hanging and don’t lead someone on. Most girls can handle being rejected after one date. We aren’t that weak. Ok that was my two cents on the topic. I have a lot to say in case you couldn’t tell.
Oh and an addition: if you want to go out with a girl again and you think she is sort of on the fence you have a much better chance of getting a yes, if you ask her out directly immediately after the date. Many times if you give her a chance to think it over or let the Shadchan get involved she will end up saying No. So just one more perk to being direct.
ZK unfortunately most girls do not have such healthy self esteem as you obviously do and will get extremely offended b y a guy rejecting her so bluntly. I have tried your approach and have decided that rejection through a shadchuns soothing words combined with a cliche saying like Im Yirtza Hashem by you is much more comforting then the guy rejecting you right then and there. Further more, guys dont mind being put on the spot but girls the more sensative humans they are, tend to be mnore indecisive then men and need some time to think how the date actually went.
ZK- But people are babies and no one is going to change that and I have to agree with Rafi D. because its true that women and men are insecure and dont like to make such decisions on the spot. Usually the end is the most awkward time, girl just jumps out of the car assuming that we will hide behind the shadchuns all encompassing powers. Most chicks would be mortified if you rejected them right then and there as would guys be.
What if the rejection hurts so much that the guy decides to run his car off a bridge or something?
I often tell the person setting me up that I prefer to not use a go between (and in certain circles, it is almost implicit that you won’t), I don’t think that its as crazy as you people seem to think it is. What’s the harm in just talking about it with the other person? I don’t think its the biggest deal in the world. Lots of people do it.
Great writing. Keep it up!
leave girls alone read your torahhhh
stupid afc .
“even though they do get to eat pretty much for free every time minus a few bucks in makeup”
hahahaha
(wait, that looked like a sarcastic laugh. i meant it seriously.)
alrighty, i think it’s time for me to stop this blog raid and lock my doors to keep the officials from BlogStalkingPrevention out
Don’t worry sabra- stalkers are always appreciated.
While I am too polite to tell women I don’t like them, I find it much easier to try doing things that revolt them in order to get them to break things off. Works like a charm every time.
(I have seen some stupid movies that were on the same theme but I assure you that I came up with the idea independently).