Shmuely Hillfaygallach and his Frummy Fashion Show
The crowd of sheitle hookers, sheitle machers, shadchuns, 13th avenue business owners, Rabbonim and others gather to view Shmuely Hillfaygalach’s newest in frummy fashion. The seating is separate divided by the runway in the middle of the room, which is really just some social hall in Brooklyn college where all the random frummy concerts and other events that overcharge for measly offerings are held. Everyone is gossiping trying to play Jewish Geography and ask their fellow fashion mavens if they have any daughters that are dating yet. Suddenly the bass starts thumping and the hit frummy fashion show single I’m too sexy for my Shtreimel comes on the surround sound system. The shows creator Shmuely Hillfaygalach struts out onto the stage, twirling his peyos in a sexy seductive way that makes the sheitle machers swoon and fan themselves with their blackberries. He walks confidently to the front of the runway, and strikes a pose for the barrage of wedding photographers that thrill at the thought of filming something other then bar mitzvahs and chasunahs. He is wearing a leather copata, and a pimpin white shtreimel, he has a Bluetooth microphone in hand and announces that the audience is about to see some amazing new hip frummy fashions that only a frummy fagalach can bring you.
I’m too sexy for my Shtreimel fades away replaced by a remake of the Milkshake song, “My kishke brings all the bochrim to the yard” blasts to the crowds delight out of the speakers. A two way mirror is put up blocking the men from seeing this part of the show besides press representatives from the Jewish Press and the Yated, even though te Yated doesn’t have women in their publication, this is a new concept and they want to be on hand for the newest craze to hit Boro Park since Dougies.
The first model is Ruchi and she is 8 months pregnant and strutting down the stage in a tight enough maternity outfit that you can see her enlarged boobs and protruding belly button. She trust her way to the front wearing hooker boots as the announcer states that this outfit is sure to get stares from men and women alike as you do your midday shopping on central avenue. You will be the queen of the pregnant sheitle hookers and your husband will talk about you during davening even though the Rabbi repeatedly stops the baal koreh to shut him up.
Next a drab looking 50 year old women walking in a mid length grey skirt that looks like it came from a dumpster walks down, head hung low, trying not to look anyone in the eyes, her jacket is also grey or navy blue, her hat is the donut man type not covering her full head, but no worries because her sheitle made of an old chia pet covers up all the scars from when she recently shaved her head to complete baldness. She walks sullenly to the front and doesn’t look the camera men in the eye, since they are men and she has never been in the same room as a man except her husband.
Dressed in a long black stretchy type skirt, ex-bais yaakov girl Devorah Leah who goes by Debbie walks suggestively down the catwalk, shaking her hips and revealing her panty line through her tznius yet not so tznius skirt, she wears a tight white shirt and has a sheitle that makes her hair even more sexy then it would normally be, the sheitle machers are taking notes in their palm pilots and snapping pictures to prove that such beauty wioth a sheitle can exist. Does a classic turn and the walks quickly back to the curtain and disappears with a wink to Yankela the camera man.
A women comes skipping down the stage wearing a huge flower skirt, a big tichel made up of old shirts and a dread locked sheitle, a new invention in the frum world, so you can remember your hippy days while adhering to the strict halachos of covering your hair. She is smiling like a million bucks and waving her hands in every which way, she chose her own song for this strut so to speak and instead of the kishke song her song is a frummy version of Casey Jones “learnin that Tanya, high on gemara, yankela you better watch your speed”.
The mirror comes up and the men can see again. “I’ve got the magic bekisha” comes blaring over the speakers as Avrumela comes out onto the stage. He is sporting the new craze called shlumpy yeshiva guy. He wears black sneakers that look like shoes but can only be worn on the weekdays, he wears a disheveled black suite that is missing buttons and is worn out at the collar, it hasn’t seen a drycleaner in its lifetime, his white shirt is un-tucked and you can see his wool tzitzis through the shirt which has multiple cholent stains on it. His collar is opened a few buttons down and he carries with him a siddur, at the end of the catwalk he starts to shuckel wildly pretending to do the shmona esray shuffle as the clothing critics make notes of the wrinkled pants and the way they bend when he bows for modim.
A large hairy chussid comes walking out dragging his feet behind him. Its just regular old chussid look, his hands are placed in his bekish as he walks shoulders hung low and one hand fiddling with his Bluetooth, his woolen talis katan is sticking out of the back of his coat and as he sits down on the chair at the front of the stage to show everyone his outfit he pushes the maddening tzitzis and bekish all to one side as if he were getting into a car or something. The whoosh he makes as he swiftly puts it aside makes the audience break into wild cheers as they realize this will be next faze in the fashion craze. They are trying to market the chasidish look to the hipsters of Williamsburg and hopefully this outfit as well as the next one will get them on the bandwagon.
Yeedle sports the metro sexual chussid look. He is not gay, but that doesn’t stop people from referring him to play-chossid and craigslist when they meet him and find out he’s still single. Wow hes great looking and 23 years old they think and then it hits them like a brilliant clutch kasha on Rashi and tosfos, they realize he is a faygallah and tell him that craigslist is like frumster for gay frummies. He is wearing a suede bekisha that flows smoothly behind him in the wind from his fast steps, his shtreimel is leather trim with a leopard hair pattern, he wears a pinstripe pimp suit with a golden gartel, and walks with a smooth enough confidence to pick up even the hardest to get sheitle hooker. He makes some of the shadchunim faint at the thought that this man is not taken and being too picky, they of course aren’t being dan mcav zchus and assuming he is straight.
First the Jewish Observer made it an issue and then Shmuely Hillfaygallach made it cool to be off the derech. Not just attitude anymore the announcer says, a fashionable lifestyle. Shimmie is wearing a pair of diesel jeans hanging off his butt, he wears a very long pair of aldo shoes and to top it off he has a I Love Mettalica T-shirt, his yarmulke is of the small black velvet genre pushed all the way onto his forehead where his longer then everything else bangs go under the yarmulke to hide them from his parents. Never before was Niveh, snorting zanax, and hanging out on Avenue J on Saturday nights so cool.
The crowd gives a standing ovation to Shmuely Hillfaygallach and his crew as the show ends. Someone comes out onto the stage and clops the lectern to announce that a second maariv minyan is taking place in the coatroom. Everyone files out the doors talking very excitedly about when they will get the newest fashions on the stores on 13th avenue in Boro Park. Everyone is trying to get some of the events benchers that have been put by some of the entrances and maybe get some of the models’ autographs. This was my envisionment of a frummy fashion show.