You know when you get married its not going to be the same my friend said to me. Don’t think your going to have time to go on all your little escapades around the country, and take off whenever you want. Don’t dream of how its going to be the same, you probably wont even ride or hike after you get married anyway – it will all be different – wait and see, you might as well start getting serious. Its not that important that the person you marry enjoys the outdoors you know, marriage is not all about hobbies etc…
At this point I usually think to myself, so is marriage kind of like people who want to convert to Judaism, you push them away and make sure they are serious. You know scare the crap out of them and watch them run in horror with any thought of marriage, settling down etc… Well that’s what I think whenever someone tries to convince me that the outdoors is not that important in life, I used to agree sort of acknowledging that yes I will not be able to skip out on my wife for quick jaunts to Utah or Montana, or even to the trails 3 hours away. But I do not give in at all to the fact that my obsession, addiction, love or whatever you call it is not a worthy thing to seek for in a mate. Nor is it unreasonable to think that even after biting the bullet and tying the not will I never be able to partake in my passions again. Yet constantly I am being told this, I am being told to go out with women who have no understanding of my personality simply because they are not nature freaks. It is important to note that tree huggers can really only be understood by fellow tree huggers, other folks just don’t understand I have found based on my sociological observations.
Why are married people trying to convince us single folks us the hard times to come and how marriage basically sucks some seriously sweaty jock straps? Are they merely trying to convince us not to get married, trying to tell us of their mistakes or are actually serious that once you get married you cannot enjoy anything of your single life and must completely reinvent yourself? This cannot be because I my friends who are outdoors addicts and are married with kids still partake albeit not as much in their activities of singledom. I think it has to do with a lack of understanding like I mentioned before, most people I have found are lacking in the number one ingredient for happy lives PASSION. They lack passion for many things including interests, passionate people can relate to me because they realize that no matter how hard it is they will pursue what they love – this is the philosophy I live by.
6 responses so far ↓
1 // Nov 10, 2006 at 6:22 am
Marrige is in fact work. Think of it, you have to work to make things go smoothly between yourself and a roommate. So there is that much more to be done in a relationship that you hope will not end with the semester. However, I think that many people stress the downside because they have married someone based on something other than a deep affiniity in terms of interests, etc. They discover the discrepencies between them more and more over time, which makes them more cognizant of these downsides than the upsides. But I would not tell you what a relative said to me: “Marriage is painful; getting married is fun.” Actually I did not like the stresses involved in planning the wedding. But I would stress that marriages that work do because the partners work at the relationship. Those who stop putting into it are more likely to claim they just “fell out of love” with their partners or even “no longer like” him/her, especially if it was a match based more on superficial attractions.
2 // Nov 14, 2006 at 8:03 pm
hey frum hiker.. never give up your dreams.. your passions.. those married folks are just lazy and were always missing the excitement, motivation and courage… now they’ve got marriage as an excuse..
I am asked as well.. all the time.. ’so..are you ready to settle down’.. ‘marriage would just slow your pace and constrict your spontaneity, sense of freedom and ability to explore…’
People who ask.. I guess, they would never understand.. ““My hands were throbbing from the braking, my barkes were smoking, my thighs were dead, my face was covered in mud and blood was oozing from the cuts and scrapes from a tree I ran into- I was in heaven.” Thank G-d we can be living such dreams…
here’s my blog about it..
My idea of marriage is not one of stagnation “settling down” but a life-long adventure an ever going dynamic relationship where one is challenged and inspired to constantly grow, give, and reach greater heights.
Adventure will never cease…
Adventure might take on a different form.. But hopefully, I pray, that the adventure excitement and passion will be greater.. exponentially ever increasing.. Ha! I know it’s sounding too romantic and I am sure practically between the dirty diapers, cranky non-stop crying baby triplets, I actually like cooking so that doesn’t count.. hosting guests, family obligations and responsibilities I might “resort to smashing things on the floor” (more likely.. taking a break in the woods.. skydiving or a good swim..) but at the end of day I know and believe that this is the greatest most rewarding adventure..
and ‘adventure’ as in my blog…
Nature - the great outdoors, traveling, music, arts, architecture, high adrenaline sports.. explorations are a major part of my life.. of who I am.. It has been such positive, growing, gratifying experiences for me.. and it continues to be.. I wouldn’t want to keep my family g-d willing and loved ones away from it. I would love to share it..
I also hope that my future spouse will be ambitious, motivated, independent, be living his dreams and have his interests that he is passionate about.. adding more fun into the equation…
3 Homeschool Mom // Mar 18, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I may be mistaken, but from what I have read it is necessary to receive permission from a rabbi to use birth control after marriage, and the rabbis need a compelling reason to grant such permission. That combined with taharas hamishpacha is going to bring children very early to a young couple with no fertility problems.
My husband and I waited almost 10 years after marriage before our first child came. We had plenty of time to pursue our passions with maximum earnings and fewer bills. Once our child came we were forced to do some SERIOUS readjusting. It was all the more noticeable for having long passed the time where we were adjusting to the state of marriage. Combining both of those adjustments in the space of a year seems to my mind a difficult process, from a state of being allowed to be selfish (or at least consider yourself first in your plans) to a state of rarely considering yourself first ever.
No doubt this is why your friends are telling you that you will have to think twice about your interests which don’t easily combine with having a small child which needs constant care in a reasonably comfortable setting.
If you can find someone who feels the same way you do about the outdoors and can prolong the childbearing, you should continue to insist on waiting for her. If you become a father within the first year or so, you will be frustrated with your family for keeping you from your passions. Your wife will almost certainly want your active participation in your baby’s life and things like 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep will start becoming the object of your fantasies. Especially if you have several kids quickly…
4 Phil // Aug 7, 2008 at 9:30 am
A a serious fishing addict married with 5 kids, I hear where you’re coming from. My wife is great and completely understanding about my passion, even though she doesn’t fish. My 4 boys are crazy about it too, I take them along very often, my wife appreciates the peace and quite at home, as well as the quality time they spend with me.
A word of advice: Make sure your potential wife is aware of this passion and even if she isn’t into it, invite her along to try. Once you have kids, it is a great way to spend quality time with them and get them away from the video games, etc.
5 Frum Satire // Aug 7, 2008 at 11:50 am
You could not have said it better Phil- but I still think that there should be some similar interests between the partners- I am dating someone seriously right now who will not get on a bike- due to a bad accident, but she is an avid hiker, explorer, kayaker and we enjoy the same type of concerts and art venues.
6 Phil // Aug 7, 2008 at 1:07 pm
All the better, if you can enjoy trips together. Good luck.
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