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How To Do the Mitzvah

Submitted by some random dude who, like every good kollel yungerman whose wife works full-time to support him and comes home exhausted at the end of the day then cooks dinner, bathes the kids and falls asleep before collapsing in bed, spends too much time thinking about the mitzvah and not enough doing it.

-Shragi

As we all know there are 613 Mitzvos in the Torah. The first of these Mitzvos was given to Adam directly from G-d. G-d told Adam “peru urevu umelu es ha’aretz.” (Be fruitful and multiply and fill the world). This is the Mitzvah of making babies. This mitzvah is achieved through the act of sexual intercourse (shtooping, boning, fucking, banging, tapping, hitting, I think you get the point), where the man sticks his reproductive organ (dick, cock, penis, shlong, shmeckel, wiener, among other names) into the female reproductive organ. (Vagina, pussy, vertical smile, pink taco, malawach, ECT.).
For those of us that aren’t so frum (and by that I mean not full of shit), this Mitzvah is very simple. Find a girl, (make sure she goes to the mikva first) get her drunk (optional), fuck her brains out (unprotected of course), and wait 9 months till a baby pops out. However for those who are extra frum and like to do Mitzvos properly this Mitzvah raises some serious questions.
As we know, we paskin (in Pesachim I think, look it up if you really care) Mitzvos tzrichas kavana. This means one has to be aware of and have in mind what mitzvah he is doing or else he is not yotze his Mitzvah. In addition we know all Mitzvos assai require a bracha beforehand. Let’s analyze these issues together. For the very Frum community (Chasidim aka full of shit) the issue of mitzvahs tzrichas kavana is taken care of by reciting a declaration before performing the mitzvah. This declaration usually states hinini muchan umezuman lekaim mitzvahs asai……(I am ready and prepared to fulfill the positive commandment)…..some questions are, when does he say this declaration? Does the woman have to say this declaration? Some hold the woman does not have an
obligation in the mitzvah but rather is just a means to have the mitzvah fulfilled so she would be exempt from the bracha.
Before we answer the first question we have to analyze the issue of the bracha. As we know brachos ha’mitzvos have to be recited right before one is to do the mitzvah and he has to be holding the item is going to perform the mitzvah with in his right hand (left hand if he is left handed). Both of these can’t be done in this case because it is forbidden to recite a bracha when one is undressed kal vachomer when he’s holding his sausage.
Also the woman would have to be present and naked and it is forbidden to recite a bracha in front of an undressed woman. One would have to recite the declaration of readiness and the bracha before he takes his clothes off while not looking at the woman or waiting for her to get undressed as well. The problem with this is reciting the declaration and blessing then taking off his clothes off/ waiting for the woman may be a hefsek which would require him to make another bracha which as we stated before he can’t do. So in short this really frum guy is stuck and try explaining this one to the rav.
Another issue that arises is one is not allowed to talk between making the bracha and performing the mitzvah. The question is, is moaning allowed? this is only a problem if we paskin that one can’t make a hefsek between reciting the bracha and completing the mitzvah(similar to bedikas chometz) (which would be after the big bang boom and after that who has energy to move let alone talk). However if we paskin that hefsek is only between the bracha and starting the mitzvah, there is no issue. make the bracha (if you find a permissible way), stick it in, and moan away. In this regard one is allowed to me makel and say the moaning is part of the mitzvah and is not considered a hefsek.
One more issue that can be raised is the issue of Mitzvos laav nehenos nitnu. Mitzvos were not given to derive benefit from. This is a serious problem. Not allowed to enjoy sex? Wtf? Whats the point than? the only reason most people shtoop is because it feels good. A sub question of this is can one shtoop if the end result isn’t to knock up a
chick?
In conclusion there is no real answer to any of these questions and people should stop being so frum and complicating things, especially something as awesome as sex, because as I said before sex is really a simple, beautiful and amazing thing that can be enjoyed by all. Maybe we can discuss these issues at the next asifa and waste another 2 million of tzedaka money and 4 hours of people’s time. The only difference this time is that is actually a topic that interests people and more people will come.

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OTD Geirus Procedures

Halacha states that one must turn away a ger or giyores a few times before we finally open up our arms and embrace them in the loving embrace the frum community is so famous for; after the geirus they get the top shidduchim, their kids get into the best yeshivos and no one ever questions the sincerity of their conversion.

The reason potential geirim have to be rebuffed is obvious: the Jewish people are an ethnic community, they only take care of their own, so in order to ensure they don’t get stuck with schleppers and nebech cases they have to screen applicants very strictly.  [click to continue…]

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On your most excellent submissions.

As some of you smart commenters have figured out by now, Heshy is dead.

And while myself and Shragi do our best to fill his cold dead shoes, sooo very cold, we are just too lazy to keep the content flowing as chocolatey as he once did. [click to continue…]

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p9u_195194_john_wa
Every facebook girl who posts pictures of their kids as props for their selfies and secretary who tapes fortune cookie papers on their computer screen’s favorite spiritual guide is back  to share more wisdom with us in a New York Times op-ed, that just happens to coincide with this year’s book that shares the same theme. What a stroke of good fortune!
But that’s just what happens when your chi is in tune with the universe’s 7 chakras of compassion, my dear sweet friends. [click to continue…]

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Letter to My Geirus Rabbi

Hi Rabbi Posse,
I used to be pretty Jewish, and then I got mad at Judaism because of the people who often times represent it poorly like the following bright , and pure young man I’m about to mention. And then I became kind of jewisher again for a number of reasons . During my hiatus from jewishland I mingled with sheigitses . Upon return to dating Jew boys I encountered the aforementioned young gentleman who forgot to tell me he’s a Cohen. Let’s say he went to the store and tried on the shoes without having any intention to buy them. I haven’t spend too much time in shiur but I think that’s a no no . I’m also not the only pair of shoes he’s tried on , nor the least Jewish,  if you get my drift. At the end of the day it turns out that I’m classified as a whore unfit to marry this clearly super holy and pure guy.
The thing is, there’s a lot of different perushim regarding that hallacha, some deeming that a woman who had relations with a non Jew is invalid, others saying she isn’t , some even get down to whether or not contraception was used and , some say that even if she is invalid the children can still be cohanim and others say they cannot .
What was the original hallacha, who added my brand of “whore” to the list and why , and where do you stand on this issue?
I’m not marrying this particular idiot , but I want to know whether I should do like the other semi-secular Jewish girls and just lie about it like they lie about their virginity or if I stand a chance by just being that thing…what’s it called again?
Ah yeah…honest
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Satmar Has Solved the Secular Studies Problem

By Shmilka Bernstein

I watched videos of Satmar children participating in make believe demonstrations against Israel. The English accents were excellent, even better than their teachers. Goyim and and so-called Moderner Othodox make fun of chasidisher yeshivos. But look at how much can be learned when there is a purpose and enthusiasm. The hate of fersthunkener ziyonistim is all the motivation needed to draw the pure hearts of children. In Satmar schools, the children learn English, graphics for doing posters, math for quoting statistics, civics for getting permits, weather forecasting to advise those coming to demonstrations whether to bring plastic hat covers, electronics for setting up sound systems, and so on. [click to continue…]

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Warning Against Dating Dati Jews as a Gentile

Ed: Readers are encouraged to share their thoughts.

Dear Shragi,

I have been following your blog since my orthodox Jewish ex-boyfriend dated me, and with all the intentions to convert after reading on Judaism for months (i.e. I didnt want to convert just for him), having learnt Hebrew for months and after picking up partly keeping shabbat and kosher, and going to Israel to visit him for some time, he dumps me saying that he doesn’t think he wants to go through all the trouble of conversion and marriage registration outside of Israel with me after learning the details of how that could be done.

What he is saying is I am not worth his trouble. However, half a year ago, when I was skeptical about starting a relationship with him, he was encouraging saying we should give ourselves a chance. I met his family as a friend, and they loved me, so I’m sure my being Jewish and all the troubles that come with that are the only reasons why he breaks up with me. Until I left Israel, we treated each other very well, and even after the break up, we know what qualities we want to look for in our marriage partners because we were so compatible – except that I am a gentile. [click to continue…]

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