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Satmar Has Solved the Secular Studies Problem

By Shmilka Bernstein

I watched videos of Satmar children participating in make believe demonstrations against Israel. The English accents were excellent, even better than their teachers. Goyim and and so-called Moderner Othodox make fun of chasidisher yeshivos. But look at how much can be learned when there is a purpose and enthusiasm. The hate of fersthunkener ziyonistim is all the motivation needed to draw the pure hearts of children. In Satmar schools, the children learn English, graphics for doing posters, math for quoting statistics, civics for getting permits, weather forecasting to advise those coming to demonstrations whether to bring plastic hat covers, electronics for setting up sound systems, and so on. [click to continue…]

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Warning Against Dating Dati Jews as a Gentile

Ed: Readers are encouraged to share their thoughts.

Dear Shragi,

I have been following your blog since my orthodox Jewish ex-boyfriend dated me, and with all the intentions to convert after reading on Judaism for months (i.e. I didnt want to convert just for him), having learnt Hebrew for months and after picking up partly keeping shabbat and kosher, and going to Israel to visit him for some time, he dumps me saying that he doesn’t think he wants to go through all the trouble of conversion and marriage registration outside of Israel with me after learning the details of how that could be done.

What he is saying is I am not worth his trouble. However, half a year ago, when I was skeptical about starting a relationship with him, he was encouraging saying we should give ourselves a chance. I met his family as a friend, and they loved me, so I’m sure my being Jewish and all the troubles that come with that are the only reasons why he breaks up with me. Until I left Israel, we treated each other very well, and even after the break up, we know what qualities we want to look for in our marriage partners because we were so compatible – except that I am a gentile. [click to continue…]

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Who Needs Pictures?

by Shmilka Bernstein

Hillary's HandI am upset by the decision of Yated Ne’eman to show the hand of Hillary Clinton. Where did their seichel go? Now there will be pressure on them to treat Trump the same way. We all know what terrible lewd thoughts cross American minds now about his hands. They might just as well start showing pictures of Metzitzah B’Peh.

This whole business of pictures is a bad idea. You now have pictures of rabbonim from earlier eras in their youth. Suddenly you have clean shaven poskim and roshei yeshiva, loy aleinu, not to mention bubbes who are untznius and zeides without Borsalinos. With the disgusting blogs around, PhotoShopping eventually gets revealed. [click to continue…]

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Shavuos Schedule

BaisMedrashInterior11:00-12:00           Shlep out meal as long as possible

12:00-12:05           Pre learning mussar

12:05-12:07           Set up shtender

12:07-12:10           Coffee

12:10-12:30           Chazar Babba Kama

12:30-12:35           Coffee

12:35-12:45           Break

12:45-1:00              Kuzari Beiyun

1:00-1:10                Coffee/bathroom

1:10-1:30                Tikkun liel Shavuos

1:30-1:33                Bathroom

1:33-1:40                Reb Chaim on Tashbisu

1:40-1:50                Bathroom/coffee/bathroom

1:50-2:00                Break

2:00-2:15                Brisker Rov on Chanukah

2:15-2:16                bathroom

2:17-2:40                Mesachtas Megillah bekius

2:40-3:15                Bathroom ( iyun)

3:15-3:45                Reb Elchonon Kovitz Shiurim

3:45-3:47                Kuzari, mussar, Gemara soteh, Tikkun, and Megilas Rus with perush of Gaon

3:47-4:15                Debate going to sleep

4:15                          Prepare for shachris

Haftorah – sleep

 

shamelessly stolen from WhatsApp

-Shragi

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Dor Yeshorim Rap

The good thing  about the awesome dor yeshorim rap that came to light last week is that there’s no music, just beatboxing, so you can listen to it during sefirah.

The problem is that it’s still kol isha. I’m not referring to the singing, that’s obviously kol isha, but I think even the beatboxing is; I don’t know, someone should show this to a rov and ask a shailah. The reason I’m less worried about the singing is because rap may not be considered music according to most poiskim. I know when I was in yeshiva we paskened that goyishe music doesn’t have a din music so you’re allowed to listen to it during sefirah.

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Pesach Is All About Relationships. I guess.

passover-meaning

Pesach is about gratitude. When nobody cared, someone looked out for you. That’s why we remember it every year, even though they haven’t done anything cool in a really long time and have probably forgotten about you. Thanks Maxwell House!

Pesach is about going back home to spend time with your family because then you don’t have to be at a single’s seder and experience feelings of wanting to kill everyone there. You can just go home where you feel the familiar warmth of shame and years-long suppressed rage. [click to continue…]

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A Frum Satire Pesach Vort

Gabriel Wasserman's HaggadaIn honor of Pesach, a yom tov that brings anxiety and longing to frum and OTD alike, I present to you a vort from Mar Gavriel, the author of a fabulous haggada which, due to my blogger’s nature I didn’t post on time for you to buy in time for this year’s seder but which you should nevertheless buy in time to pack up with the Pesach boxes so that it comes up with the newspaper-wrapped dishes, silverware and the Maxwell House haggada from twenty years ago. Stop using the Maxwell House haggada already!

This wonderful haggada will appeal to both the frum, who love digging up old forgotten piyuttim (and having them translated) as well as the OTD, who love unconventional divrei toireh. In other words, this haggada was made with the Frum Satire audience in mind. I apologize for not posting it sooner. 

Shragi

Avoodim Hooyeenee, we were slaves in Egypt. But were we really? Possible, but there’s no hard evidence for it. And way back then, was there really a “we”, anyway? And if not, why are we here at the seider table?

Because *this* seider isn’t about yetzias mitzrayim. In fact, no traditional seider is. It’s about how the rabbis said that there’s an obligation to tell the story, and then a story about how the Tannoim stayed up all night in Bnei Brak, and then about how you tell the story to four different types of children, and then about when you have to tell the story. [click to continue…]

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